Imagine living every day on high alert, never able to relax or feel truly at ease. That's been my reality, and in this episode of Excellence Above Talent, I peel back the layers of my emotional struggles that came to light during a marriage counseling session with Pastor Mark Martha at Hope Alive Church. My wife Yanni's poignant observation that I've never been emotionally regulated hit hard, forcing me to reflect on my turbulent childhood and intense military career. From the weight of being the "man of the house" at a young age after my father left, to the relentless edge I lived on as a 19 Delta Cavalry Scout, I share my raw and personal journey toward understanding and managing my emotions.
Join me as I recount the pressures of growing up in a financially strained household, dealing with societal judgments, and navigating life’s challenges without an emotional compass. This episode isn't just about my story—it's a call to other men who recognize these buried struggles within themselves. Together, let's break the cycle of constant survival mode and learn to regulate our emotions, creating a better version of ourselves for our own sake and for those who depend on us. Tune in, and let's start this journey of growth and self-discovery together.
Imagine living every day on high alert, never able to relax or feel truly at ease. That's been my reality, and in this episode of Excellence Above Talent, I peel back the layers of my emotional struggles that came to light during a marriage counseling session with Pastor Mark Martha at Hope Alive Church. My wife Yanni's poignant observation that I've never been emotionally regulated hit hard, forcing me to reflect on my turbulent childhood and intense military career. From the weight of being the "man of the house" at a young age after my father left, to the relentless edge I lived on as a 19 Delta Cavalry Scout, I share my raw and personal journey toward understanding and managing my emotions.
Join me as I recount the pressures of growing up in a financially strained household, dealing with societal judgments, and navigating life’s challenges without an emotional compass. This episode isn't just about my story—it's a call to other men who recognize these buried struggles within themselves. Together, let's break the cycle of constant survival mode and learn to regulate our emotions, creating a better version of ourselves for our own sake and for those who depend on us. Tune in, and let's start this journey of growth and self-discovery together.
You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.
Speaker 2:
What's up my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas, with Excellence Above Talent, I love learning about myself. I like pushing myself to dig deeper into who I am as a person, and I was at a marriage counseling with Pastor Mark Martha at Hope Alive Church. So me and Yanni are in marriage counseling and we were having a conversation and she said something to me that at first there was defensiveness of you've never really been regulated. Your whole life You've been in survivor mode. You've always been in. There is no flight with you, it's always fight, and I didn't know how to take it right, but it was something that I needed to hear, because most of my life I have been in fight mode. I have been in survivor mode. I have not been. My emotions have not been regulated.
Speaker 2:
There's always been some dysregulation with my emotions and I started to think about how I grew up, and so this is something that I'm working through. So I'm having a conversation, but it's not something where, like, I fully understand what, where and why, but just having a conversation can maybe help out another person or another man trying to figure out why he feels the way he feels sometimes, why he's always on point, why he never can really relax and he feels like he has to move 24-7. He has to be on 24-7. Everything has to be perfect or he has to have some level of control. And that has been me for majority of my life, which is crazy because I don't have control over nothing but myself. And me and my little brother had the conversation two days ago which made me think that this is a conversation that needs to be had, uh, with other people of there was not really a lot of conversation, not really a lot of conversation. I didn't know how to talk to people or find a way to figure out why I felt the way I felt. I just life happens, you know, and you have to keep moving, and sometimes in that movement we don't take the time to figure out why we're moving the way we're moving.
Speaker 2:
And I had to, you know, dig deep, and I'm still digging, but we didn't have a lot growing up and that you feel that pressure on your mother and your father. You also feel that pressure when you go out and people look at you a certain type of way, or when your cousins gives you all their hand-me-downs. And I think there was one time in fifth grade where all the kids brought Christmas gifts for me, which was at that time I didn't understand. But now, looking back, they saw us as the poor black family and they wanted to do something special. And I'm not even sure how they knew. You know we were poor, but I guess I I looked at the part or whatever, or it just could have been like, uh, uh, you know, white people in crane assuming, uh, that black people didn't have anything. I have no idea, but that created a mindset within me. And then my father left and I was the oldest, and so I had to. You know, I was told you're the man of the house. Now, in the fifth, sixth grade, you're the man of the house. House, there's not a 11, 12, 13 year old young kid that's ready to take on that mantle of man of the house.
Speaker 2:
But I took it on, and I took it on quite literally. I I felt the pressure that I had to take care of and watch over mom and sisters and little brother, and, and I did that to the best of my ability, right, and then going into the Army and you know, they just put you on edge 24-7. And, granted, you need to be on edge, especially if you are in a combat MOS, like I was in 19 Delta Cavalry Scout, hoo-ah. So I, you know, in the military it's kill, kill, kill, kill, kill it's. You have to stay vigilant, you have to stay ready and I think all those things kind of compounded to getting out the military always just on Like I can't be off, because if I'm off I'm going to get got. And if I get got then that's a frustrating part Because I should have been on in the first place to never have gotten gotten. Follow along with me. And so when she said you have not felt safe or you have not been regulated, there was all the truth to it.
Speaker 2:
Most of my life I don't know what that is it. Most of my life I don't know what that is. I don't know how to just relax and go with the flow or maybe sometimes just let things go. If you piss me off or if I feel like you're trying to get over on me, I can be the pettiest of the pettiest people. I'll think about ways I can get you back, because you got me and you got to get got back right. This is my English lesson for today, and so you know I find myself wasting a lot of energy and time trying to get people back that think they got me, but they're mistaken, because they going to get gotten it. When they get got, it's going to be way worse, right, and so that has always been a mindset I can't get gotten. If I do get got, I got to go get the person that got me fight. Uh, if it's crazy that that this mentality hasn't been checked or talked about or looked into.
Speaker 2:
I assumed that it was normal until I started to understand man. I've gone through things, I've been hurt, I've been used and taken advantage of, so I put this pressure on myself to always be able to be ready when it was time to go to war. But if I'm always thinking about fighting, I'm not using my brain to be creative, I'm just always in a survival mentality. I'm always in a fight mentality to where I'm not using all that God has given me to the best of my ability, because when I do something, I'm waiting for somebody to say something so I can pop off. Or when I'm trying to help, I'm also in the back of my head thinking all the negative thoughts as far as well. Do they think I'm trying to help because I'm trying to get the attention? Do they think I'm trying to help because it's all the things that I don't need to be thinking about.
Speaker 2:
I'm thinking about because I'm in that survivor mentality or that survivor mode where I have to make sure if so-and-so says this or that negative, I need to rebuttal and come back with something to let them know. It's exhausting, it's tiring and it's something that I'm going to start to work on. There are some things that don't need to be said, or there are some things that don't need a rebuttal, which is going to be hard for me, because I hate when people have a slick mouth. Like that's just one of my pet peeves. You have a slick mouth, you want to say something. You don't say it directly, but you say it indirectly. Well, I'm going to have that conversation. What's up? What do you mean? What? That conversation? What's up? What do you mean? What are you trying to say? Sometimes I don't need to be doing that. I just need to let it slide, smile, let them think they said what they said and go on about my life, versus fighting all the time and it's not all the time, but it's one of those things where we're going to have to have that conversation, especially if it happens more than two or three times.
Speaker 2:
But in my present life, where I'm trying to really hone in on who Aaron Thomas is and last week we talked about change and why that is important I have to also in that process of change. You know, figure out me why I do the things I do, and I'm super excited to kind of dive into regulating myself, not putting so much pressure to be this person that is always on 24-7 because it's exhausting, and I also want to become more creative in the things that I do and I think always on, always trying to fight kills the creative nature that's inside of you, learning how to turn it on. If I have to fight, it's in me, but it should not always be on because I'm also trying to find ways to inspire, motivate and help guide this next generation of young men down a different path or a different road that maybe I went down. That was very destructive and it did not help anybody. And when I think about it, I realized, man, when I was creative, when I wasn't always on or in fight mode, there were a lot of things that I did accomplish and do because I wasn't putting so much effort into trying to defend myself. And I have this saying and I tried to live by it. And this is super hard because, again, you know, once you go to war and you come back, it's in you, you're always ready at any given moment, but it doesn't have to always be on.
Speaker 2:
But there's this quote that says but it doesn't have to always be on. But there's this quote that says do not hide, protect, defend or prove who you are to anyone. And I thought I lived by that quote until Pastor Martha had that conversation last week and I realized, man, I will defend, but what are you defending? And why? Because that person believes whatever that person believes. That's why they're opening their mouths and they're saying it. So there's not a whole lot of things you can say to make that person not think that way. It's not a whole lot you can do. That person believes what that person believes. So why am I putting effort into a defense that truly doesn't matter? I have wasted a lot of my time defending myself and I've also wasted a lot of time proving myself that I am enough, that I am worthy. But I don't need to do any of that stuff because, regardless of what society thinks or what the world thinks, or what people in your own backyard thinks. You are enough, you are worthy. You don't need to defend who you are as a person to anyone. You show up and you be you, and you can't do that always in fight mode because it takes so much out of you. So I appreciate the insight, because that's how you get better when there's someone who is willing to say what needs to be said in order for you to get what you need to hear, it's what you need to hear, and then you can use that information to either better yourself or you can say that information wasn't for me and let it go in one ear and out the other.
Speaker 2:
As men, there are times where you have to fight, but life isn't about fighting 24-7. And again, this is just a week into it, and it's something that I'm going to have to work through and work on, because I am a fighter. I will die fighting, especially if it's something that I believe in. There's no ifs, ands or buts about it, but I don't have to fight everything or everyone, or defend or prove myself all the time. I just need to show up, put forth the effort and try, and then let things happen the way they happen, as men learn how to as I am learning how to regulate yourself. Everything is not a battle, because in the regulation of yourself, creativity is opened and now you are moving in a different way that you never thought you would move. But you are moving because your mental isn't stuck in the fight mode. Your mental is moving with the way that life has been moving, versus being so rigid.
Speaker 2:
Because I started to become more rigid, I started to become more controlling. But I looked back over my life and I realized there were things that I thought I was controlling. I wasn't so just letting go and letting people have their say, have their talk. Let them do what they need to do and you just do what you gotta do and life goes on. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome. You're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you will get stronger. Y'all have a blessed weekend and we'll see y'all next week. Bye-bye.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and for daily motivational and up-to-date content. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember keep moving forward, never give up and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time. I'm out.
