A conversation with Yanni and Kelsie

Two unique and talented young women talked about life with me. 
I really enjoyed our conversation, and I know you will get some nuggets from these women. 

We talked about relationships, accountability, high-value men, what impact they want to leave on this Earth, and so much much. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_06 0:37

What's it up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with Excellence About Talent here with Kelsey and Yanni. Um, and I'll let them kind of tell you about themselves, and then we'll jump into the uh the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 0:55

Hey, my name is Kelsey. I'm so excited to be here today. I work for a beauty subscription company, and my hobbies are well, beauty. I do beauty blog and things like that. So those are my hobbies. Um, I also like to, I guess hobbies that people don't know about would be like playing guitar. Whenever I don't have nails on, I do play guitar. Um, I enjoy TikTok. I like to write. Um, I like all things like journalism. So I like to read. And yeah, those are just a few of my hobbies.

SPEAKER_06 1:28

So, can I ask where they can find you at?

SPEAKER_04 1:31

Um, you can find me on TikTok at Kelsey Collette, C-O-L-E-T-T-E, and that same name on Twitter and Instagram. Awesome.

SPEAKER_03 1:41

You make me seem so boring. Hello everyone, my name is Yanni. Um, I am a member of the Black Chamber as well as the Black Cultural Council. Um, I currently work for the state. Um, I don't have anything that cool going on at all, honestly. I don't either. With me being in school studying um homeland security emergency management. So that's pretty cool. Right. So like I don't know about right now, but it works. I got you. Um, and then as far as my hobbies, honestly, I'm pretty much just in the community doing different things, hanging out, meeting new people. I'm kind of new to this area. I've been here about maybe three years, so still getting to know everyone. I don't think that's you're not new. You can be here for three years, girl. You're not new. That was during COVID and everything else. Everybody was stuck in their house. So I feel like I'm still new. You still I still meet new people every day.

SPEAKER_04 2:33

Well, no, you know what? She's not new because people will ask me, like, what is there to do here? And I will literally call Yanni and I'm like, Yanni, tell me what there is to do here. Because she gets out more than me. So I'm always like, Yanni knows Odessa more than I know Odessa, which is really embarrassing. I shouldn't be admitting that on this podcast, but here we are.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

But I know because of the groups I'm in.

SPEAKER_04 2:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

Not because like I'm from I'm new.

SPEAKER_06 3:00

All right, cool. So, first question I want to ask is do you feel like relationships are harder in this generation?

SPEAKER_04 3:11

That's interesting. Um, well, I mean, being that I haven't been in relationships in other generations, I can I can speak for now. Um, yeah, I do feel like relationships compared to what I've heard in talking to um maybe even like my mom or other family members who are older and things like that. I do feel like um they're harder. I can speak from my own personal experience. I feel like men are a lot less intentional. And maybe I can say men around the age that I am. So I'm 30, so um I guess the 25 to 35 that I've talked to seem to not be as intentional about how they feel. Um, not really in like making it clear, or I mean, I hate to like use the like pursuit, but like, you know, honestly, like that's it. And so um, and that's not that's not to say that I feel like men should be um, I feel like women should meet halfway too. Like, I'm not saying that like, oh, they should just do the work. No, no, no. A woman definitely shouldn't play games and you should let somebody know that you're interested. But um, you know, I don't want to like beg you to date me either. So yeah, I do feel like men are a lot less intentional from what I hear um from other older, you know, people who have dated in other generations.

SPEAKER_06 4:39

So let me ask you this question. Then uh if a guy is into you and he's like really into you, is that not a turnoff? Do you do you want like the chase or like if a guy's really into you and he's he's saying it like because I mean I I've I've had people on this podcast and you know they've also said like if I really like a girl, I'll go out and I'll I'll pursue her. But because it seems like I want her more than she wants me, then she kind of like you know is is turned off. So is that something that happens? Like if someone's like really chasing after you, right?

SPEAKER_04 5:12

Maybe you're not feeling them like that, but so for me, I feel like it's so I think Yanni and I have said this. I was like, we complain sometimes about certain things that men do, but I was like, if it's the guy that we like doing it, we don't complain about it. Like we're not mad that he's overly interested or that sort of thing. So it is kind of like it sucks because it's like sometimes it ends up being somebody you're not interested in. And when they are overly, but usually let me make that clear. This guy would know that I'm not interested in him. So I would have like already made that clear. I don't want to play games, I don't want to lead you on. So I would have definitely already have said that I'm not interested in you. And then if you continue to be like kind of overly interested in, it is a turn off. Now, if it's someone that I'm showing clear interest in, like it's mutual interest, and they're showing that you're interested in me. Um, absolutely, like I'm I personally don't like games. So I like that you're into me. I don't care if you double text me, like I'm not here to like, we're not 13, you know what I mean? Like, if you're interested, be interested. Like because if you're not, there's other people who, you know, will be interested and like you never want to like miss out on something that you could have had with somebody all because they weren't, you know, putting themselves out there.

SPEAKER_03 6:30

Gotcha. I agree. I agree. I'm the same way though. But I think if uh as far as a guy showing me attention, I feel like this happened recently, or I feel he was a little bit more into me than I was, but I did have let him know, like, hey, you know, um, I'm interested in you, but I just moved a little slower. Um, but I did make sure and reassure that he knows that hey, I am interested.

SPEAKER_06 6:52

Yeah, I feel like he you put him in a friend zone. I asked you.

SPEAKER_03 6:55

No, I didn't say I didn't put him in a friend zone. It's just I feel like like I'm telling him, like, hey, I see you making the effort, I appreciate it. Yeah, but you just have to give me a little time to warm up to get there. That's not friend zoning. That's just saying, give me a second. Right.

SPEAKER_06 7:09

Yeah, but fill you out to do what you're really trying to do. But if you liked him, liked him, then you wouldn't be saying.

SPEAKER_03 7:14

No, I liked him, liked him, and like he's still got the same.

SPEAKER_06 7:17

Oh, okay, I got you.

SPEAKER_03 7:18

I kind of agree with him then.

SPEAKER_04 7:21

That's not friend zoning. About if you liked him, liked him. I think when all was said and done, could can you admit that you maybe not did not like him like him as much as you might have thought.

SPEAKER_06 7:35

No, it's it's a fact.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Like she's laughing because she's no it is.

SPEAKER_06 7:38

Okay, she's gonna act like no, she liked him like him. But if you like like somebody, you're not gonna be like, well, hold on, give me a give me a yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

We know you like him.

SPEAKER_06 7:47

Like we we're not disputing that. What we're disputing is you didn't like him like him. That's why you said, hey, give me give me some time to think about it. But I also feel like games are unnecessary. That's true. Like if I've I'm I'm reading this book and it's way too ways to a superior man, and women test men to test out his bitch assness. So in relationships, when guys are running around saying she's nagging or she's bitching or she's always talking, he's not listening because what she's trying to do is test to see how he's gonna react a certain way. And if he does, she loses trust in him. So if if he starts acting a fool or yelling or screaming, then she'll she'll start losing trust for that person. But if he doesn't allow her to affect him, she gains more trust, right? So the games are never going to stop being played. And if you do stop playing the games, then I don't think you're feeling each other like you know you think you are. But there's always gonna be like a certain level of game. There has to be a cat and a mouse uh when it comes to it. Sometimes it's you know the woman chasing, sometimes it's the man chasing.

SPEAKER_04 9:03

But I think it's yeah, I guess maybe I I mean, yes, games, I guess, you know, games can carry a negative sense with it. And so I guess when I hear games, I'm like, oh, I don't want to play games. But on the flip side of that, yeah, no, I do want to know that if I if I push, do you pull? Like, like, because I feel like that's actually great qualities for a husband. Like, I want to know that, like, if I push, you're not just gonna be like, okay, I'm out peace. Like, we want to know that um, I think about like I have a friend and she now has three kids with the guy that she ended up marrying, but I know that um prior to them getting married and they were dating. I remember she wasn't really playing games, but she was just like, girl, I quit talking to him completely. Like, I got scared, I didn't think that was, you know, like it was too good to be true. Like it has to not this has to not be right. And she quit talking to him altogether. Yeah, them games.

SPEAKER_06 9:56

Let me just talk about them games. Because because again, you she wants to see how he reacts. No, she definitely didn't react in a certain way, she wouldn't have gone back to him. No, she wouldn't have if he acted like, oh, okay, cool. Bye. You're right. I'm not worried about you. Well, guess what? Now she's gonna come back like running. But if he's like double texting and like calling, she's gonna be like, Oh, okay, he's too needy and she's gonna leave.

SPEAKER_04 10:22

Right. Yeah, I think that what actually did actually like hook and reel her was the fact that he was still very persistent in like you're who I want. Gotcha, like I'll do whatever it takes to like be with you. And then she knew, like, this is not a man who's gonna easily leave me. Gotcha. Like, if times get hard, if I feel like I'm gonna run, like this is what she, you know, and and she did tell me, she was like, That's what got me. Like, he he came back, like he continued to, even in my like stupidity or my, you know, getting scared and running or that sort of thing. She was like, stupidity wouldn't be the word, but you know, just getting scared, that sort of thing, and running. She was like, he came back, and that's what got her. So, yeah. I mean, like you said, then there is, even if we don't want to say it, it is a level of game being played, or you know.

SPEAKER_06 11:10

We're testing, yeah. You know, that's we're always testing the same Yani. Yeah. That one question. Um, what's the question is Do you feel relationships are harder in this generation?

SPEAKER_03 11:21

I feel like we make them harder. Yes, or certain circumstances make them harder. Um, I was thinking about this question. I think one of the main things is like social media plays a key part. Um, I think people see like other celebrities or just other people in general post about their relationships and what they're doing and what they have going on, and they may not have it in their relationship. So I think that plays a key part. And I do agree though, the intentional thing is big. But I think social media for sure nowadays makes things harder when it comes to dating.

SPEAKER_06 11:55

Gotcha. Uh, do you know the average age of a man to mature?

SPEAKER_03 11:59

Is it like 30 or 35? They probably 50, honestly, because 30 still don't have it together.

SPEAKER_06 12:04

43.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

I was gonna say 40. So I need to date someone who's 43.

SPEAKER_06 12:08

I mean, and that's the average age. You mean you might get somebody and still be immature. The average age of a woman is 32. So y'all are still, you know, two years away.

SPEAKER_03 12:18

I'm 31.

SPEAKER_06 12:19

Oh, well, yeah, you're one year away. Uh but yeah, the average age for a woman is 32 and a man is uh 43. So it it's you know, I think a lot of it is men don't want to do the work. They're when they when you look at yourself in the mirror and you realize like, you know, you are this person or you are this monster or you've been raised a certain type of way, um, you kind of run from the work because that work is very hard to do.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Right.

SPEAKER_06 12:46

Because you have to like break down everything that you have learned over time and then kind of like rebuild that foundation of yourself. Right. And that's a scary place to be in for men, not you know, not knowing who they are and trying to figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Right.

SPEAKER_06 13:00

Um, and I think a lot of men at some point will start to do that, but it just takes them longer, which which sucks for everybody, you know, women, family, just everybody, because uh a strong man I feel is what this nature needs to build it up and make it better. Uh I'm not saying just men alone, but I just think uh men have to be stronger in in all aspects of life. Um, okay, so how would how would you define love?

SPEAKER_03 13:30

Go ahead and answer the question. Oh, okay. Sign language. I'm like, you gonna answer it?

SPEAKER_04 13:35

Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay, so um how would I define love? Um, love to me is choosing someone daily and actually standing behind the vows that you made um with that person when maybe everything was going good. I truly believe loving someone in sickness and in health, being by their side in hard seasons and showing up for that person. Um, using this word again, but love is intentional and being intentional with the person you love and whatever time you all spend together. And maybe not so pretty, but I think that love is messy. Um, it doesn't always fit in a box. Um, love can sometimes look like holding on to someone and working something out, and in other ways, it can look like letting go of a situation and loving them down the street. That's what my pastor used to tell me. She used to always be like, Listen, you can love somebody from down the street. So that's what that looks like. And then um I said, I think that most of all, love is what works best for those two people. Friends or family may not understand your choices, but it's not up to them. And so I listened to Brene Brown, she's like a writer. You know, she is okay. Yeah, you love Brene Brown. Love Brene Brown. Okay, so in one of her books, Daring Greatly, there's a quote, and let me pull it out because I wanted to read this one. Um, is she said, if you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in our in or open to your feedback. And so the reason I like that quote is because it was like, love is showing up to fight in the arena with your partner, even if you don't know what it's what's what's going to end. And so, like, that's what love looks like to me. Like, it's messy, it's a fight, like you're but you're on the inside, you know. So many people can be on the outside giving you opinions on how love should be or what love should look like with you. But you know, if they're not in the arena fighting with you, they're not taking the punches, they're not taking the hits, they're not helping the other person up, you know, their nose isn't bleedy, like they can't really tell you what love is. So that's just my tidbit on what made me crap.

SPEAKER_05 15:41

I was like, that's good. That was good. You probably should have gone first.

SPEAKER_03 15:46

Look, she's obviously the journalist who writes. I'm just like, what is wrong? But it just made me think like when it came to my marriage and my ex, like a lot of people at first were like, Why are you getting married? And I was like, Why love him? Which I definitely truly did. But um, and I had there's a lot of people who had a lot of opinions, a lot of views. Um, I got married when I was 22, my ex-husband was 30. Um, so there's a lot that went with that. But I was in it for the end, um, until I just honestly couldn't fight anymore. And I kind of was like, Okay, well, I need to start loving myself. Um, because at that point it was like either due or you know, something bad can happen. But I do agree, love is messy, and I think that's something that um a lot of people don't realize, even when it comes to friendships sometimes, because we were just speaking from relationships, but friendships too, you can love your friends and it can get messy, especially if you guys both um aren't ready to talk about things. Love is just it's a beautiful thing, especially if you get up every day um when it comes to like your significant other your friends and just choose them and choose to love them as they are and grow with them. I think it's important too with love. Um yeah, I think Kelsey kind of hit that one on the head.

SPEAKER_06 17:02

So I'm reading a book. Um All About Love. I read it all the time. Like four or five different books I read. But it's it's it's called All About All About Love by Bell Hook. Okay, and they talk about how we all assume love to be a feeling, and so we all were looking for that feeling. And what y'all are saying is so true. Sometimes you don't feel that feeling, but you still have to get up and choose the person that you say you love. Yeah, being intentional about it. You know, it's messy sometimes, and when it's messy, you do you're looking at that person like, I don't like you right now, but you still show up and you still are intentional and you're still consistent with uh being there for that person without that feeling. And so sometimes we get it mixed up with like I need to f feel that feeling, and if I don't, then I'm gonna go look for it somewhere else. And you will, and you'll find it, but then you'll also come back to the same, that same exact feeling of like, okay, I don't feel this way now, and so you're just always searching for something that um that sounds like lust you you'll never find. So I mean it could be lust. Well, it does we people assume that they love, but I don't I don't think a lot of people even know like what truly love is. Right. Because the love that that I got from my mom and dad, like, was it really love? Because then you you it it was love, but then like it was you know a certain type of love. And that's the love that I'm gonna give to other people. But it's also like what what kind of love did they get from from their parents, you know? My dad, you know, dad wasn't around, his mom died at an early age. So he loved me the best that he could. And then my mom and you know, and and her family, like they had like you know, issues, but they uh my grandpa and and grandma stayed together, but and she loved me the best way that she could. So you you question like that type of love that they give me. Is it is was it am I giving that type of love out to other people? And is it really love or is it like just feelings and things of that nature?

SPEAKER_04 19:07

So sometimes um, oh okay. Sometimes something that like I like to think about is people can only love in the capacity of what they've ever received love. That's true. And so just like you were saying, um, I grew up uh it was just my mom, and my mom was a single parent. And so um I talked to her about my mom taught me with no negative intent, but she taught me to um how to make it without a man, you know, and I tell her, you know, I'm like mom in a lot of ways that is it it helped me because I wasn't like dependent on men, but I was like in my 20s, it also hurt me. And I was like, because I needed to also know what it was look like, what it looks like to like be okay with like with like wanting a man or wanting a relationship or needing someone or like not having to be the like the person in charge or you know, not having to be bossy, and I was like, so but my mom could only show me to the level of what she received herself, and so I definitely always take that into account that whenever I feel like certain people I'm talking to or whatever, I'm like, um, they're not really showing a lot of love, but I look at their like history and I say, like, for them, that's love. You know what I mean? I may look at it and be like, oh, love for me is I need more words or I need more actions. But then I'm like, if they didn't grow up like that, maybe I have an uncle who never says I love you, but he will go and like build you a house.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:37

And you know that that's his way of showing that he loves you is putting his work effort into that. So that kind of makes me think that like maybe he didn't grow up saying I love you a lot, but he has his ways of showing love. So I think it's also um that would also, I don't want to go too deep, but that would also go into learning people's love language. Yeah. Because you may realize, like, oh, they don't say I love you as much. All the words are good. I think everybody should tell people that you love them. But you may realize, like, oh, they spend a lot of time with me. That's how that person shows love. Yeah, that's their love language, or they're always gifting me. That's their love language, you know. Yeah, first shout.

SPEAKER_06 21:14

Um, so do you think society in general cares about issues that men have?

SPEAKER_03 21:21

Um, I would say yes. Society does care about men and how they're feeling. But I would say they care, but I don't know if men realize that they care or want to admit that they need help. Gotcha. I think is the thing. Right.

SPEAKER_06 21:35

Okay, that's a different spin on that. No one ever came and said that. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:39

Well, because I think it's true. I think they care if so if the guy women want to admit, hey, I need help with whatever they're dealing with. But a lot of times I feel like men are raised to, you know, be providers and be strong and not show their feelings. So they athlete they don't have feelings and nothing's ever wrong. So then it's like, okay, you guys have these resources, but no one uses them because. Everyone's okay and everyone's figuring it out.

SPEAKER_06 22:03

Gotcha. That makes a lot of sense.

SPEAKER_04 22:05

That's good. So I feel like right now, like especially with there being like a pandemic and things like that. So I feel like in some ways people are all getting a very valid past to have mental health problems. Like it's not as it's not as weird anymore. It's not that stigmatism around it. I myself, like I go to therapy. Like I'm very, yeah, Yanni and I, we have the same therapist. Not intentional. I've I've had her for the longest, but Yanni's not my therapist.

SPEAKER_03 22:39

Not a therapy therapist. But listen.

SPEAKER_04 22:42

But um no, like I feel like right now um it's almost like it's okay to be dealing with mental health problems, you know, people are dying at large numbers that have never like, you know, like this has never happened. Like that's not normal, you know? So it's okay to like have um, I guess, for men to have issues or to feel pressure on them. So I definitely feel like um, I feel like right now, if you wanted to base it off of society, I feel like it's more um acceptable now for, you know, for men's issues and things like that. Um, yeah, I guess that's it. I just, yeah, I feel like right now that it's acceptable for men to have um, you know, to have problems. I feel like people are in support of that, they're in support of men's mental health. But I also think that kind of like what Yanni said, it's more so like is not enough for society to care. Okay, I'll use an example. I feel like whenever there is like maybe this will go too deep, or maybe I shouldn't. Oh, I know how to do that. Okay, yeah, the deeper it is, the better it's so I saw something on Twitter uh the other day, and they were saying how like black women in particular always will go to bat for black men when there is like a problem if they are gunned down, if they're shut down. You hear the loudest on social media from black women, but those like those same black women aren't always protected by the same black men that we're shouting and holding posters for and things like that. And so it kind of goes back just to tie that in, not to get to like political or anything, but just to tie that into what Yanni was saying is do they care? Yeah, because it's not enough for me or society to care about your mental health or to care about your issues or different things like that. Do you care enough about your issues to be able to admit that you have a problem or that you're dealing with something or that you're struggling? You know?

SPEAKER_06 24:40

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I think it's when we talk about black men and and black women, and uh I think it's it goes way deeper than anyone really wants to talk about when it comes to uh slavery, not being able to protect, you know, his family, uh watching, you know, another man, you know, take his wife, um you know, watching his kids get taken away. Uh I feel like it's it's generational, where uh what society has done, what white people have done, what white men have done was they put women in the forefront in the black community. Uh and so it's it's called the Willie Lynch letter. And they he talks, they talk about how you break a, I guess you call it like a cult, like a male horse.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Right.

SPEAKER_06 25:37

You know, how you you know, you break the male horse to where um he's not really leading and you want the female to to he's teaching the female to eat out of you know the man's hand. And so when the female is in now uh having babies, she's teaching the babies how to eat out of you know the man's hand. And the way that they break, you know, they broke black men, well, they would like rape black men in front of everybody. Or they would, you know, put uh uh horses on all four or arms and legs and like rip them apart. And so it's there's like a um, it's it's something that I feel like is is way deeper than what it is that you know we're we're talking about. But it's something that, you know, I guess it needs to be talked about too, because black women shouldn't be on an island. But I feel like no one's really talking about them being on an island and not having like any backup or any help.

SPEAKER_02 26:37

Right.

SPEAKER_06 26:38

Um, there are some men who who will, but there's not a lot that that will come because I don't know, I just feel like there's there's something that uh generational that we need to just kind of disconnect, you know, have more conversations about because it's it's something that it's it's real, I feel.

SPEAKER_04 26:55

Yeah, no, I I definitely believe that. I believe that's true. Like I um I don't remember her name, but it was the story, it was a grown twitter, and I remember like um doing all the of the George Floyd situation, she was out like protesting that sort of thing. Long story short, um at some point in there, someone at some point she ended up being arrested. Um she was molested or she was raped and killed. And I just think about her story about like, dang, you are a black woman out there fighting, and like look how it ended.

SPEAKER_06 27:30

Like, this just just shows like kind of like it but then also no one no one you know protested or no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 27:38

It's it was just talked about on Twitter and then it kind of just died out.

SPEAKER_06 27:41

Right. Yeah, yeah. Understandable. Um, okay, so men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women. So I believe there are 132 suicides daily, and 94 of those suicides are men. Uh, why do you think that rate is so high? I think Yanni touched on it a little bit, but just like, you know, why do you think that's high?

SPEAKER_04 28:12

Um, so I feel that men live up to some version of manliness or masculinity that the world or maybe even a parent has given them. Um a lot of men growing up weren't allowed to be vulnerable without that being seen as either weakness or a feminine trait. So something that they were like teased on. Um as someone who goes to therapy, I already mentioned that. Um, I know what it takes. Um, and it takes you being honest with yourself and looking inwardly. Um brushing things off, sweeping things under the rug, or convincing yourself that you don't need help is not the best way to go about that. Um, I think that emotions begin to boil and things become overwhelming, which is the reason why some men commit suicide. Um, I also feel that some men feel a lot of pressure to live up to a certain standard, which can then create depression that can um also lead to suicide.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

I think the main thing, um, like when I meet guys or talking to guys, even just have male friends, I always try to let them know like, hey, I can be a safe base, safe place for you if you would like. I know there was a guy that I was talking to at one point, and he was trying to live up to a standard that I'm not even sure where he got it from. Yeah, um, but it became too much, and I can tell in his demeanor. Um, and I approached him and I told him, but he really wasn't ready to share. He shared a little bit, but not a lot. But I think living up to or trying to live up to a certain standard, and then also just not being honest with oneself to say, hey, I do need help. Um, and then kind of like isolating themselves to try to reach to a certain standard, I think also plays a part in it as well.

SPEAKER_06 29:53

Yeah. All right, so the suicide rate um for men, uh, a lot of it is is white men that are doing it. Um, but black men, uh, although they they're not committing suicide at a higher rate, they're doing something.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

Right.

SPEAKER_06 30:10

What do you feel like you know, black men are doing to uh you know create chaos or destruction in their life because they're they're having issues with explaining and talking about things with people. So it might not be suicide, but what do you think is like an another thing that black men maybe deal with in place of it or try to do to you know hide from their feelings?

SPEAKER_03 30:33

I would say like stop living and like start thinking picking up like bad habits. Like they're not there for their family, um, they're doing things they know they shouldn't be doing. Um I would say that's what I would say, really.

SPEAKER_04 30:46

Yeah, I think that question kind of got me. What do I think they're doing? Um, it could be a number of things. I think that um some of them become kind of like they become, you know, maybe like date multiple women. I mean, that's there's I'm thinking numbing, so that's what I'm thinking. Like, how do they numb what they're dealing with? Um, it can become they become this person that they're not. I don't believe, not I mean, some people are, but I don't believe that people wake up with the idea of like, how can I hurt someone? How can I hurt multiple women? But I think that um in some way numbs and eases a part of them, you know?

SPEAKER_06 31:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:24

Um, I think that's one way.

SPEAKER_06 31:25

Um for them five minutes and then yeah, still deal with the black.

SPEAKER_04 31:29

Right, exactly, and still deal with the pain. Um, it could be, I mean, I guess I can't, I feel like I can't really speak too much on for what black men are doing because I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 31:39

Um but I think you hit it on the head. Black men are way more sexually promiscuous when it comes to not dealing with emotions and not dealing with things, and they just, you know, they go out and they they try to conquer, to, to try to numb, to try to feel good. So, you know, instead of you know doing that, they just destroy families because you destroy families by doing that. Um, you destroy families by you know having kids and not uh taking care of kids and things of that nature. Yeah, and it was just for fun and it wasn't anything you didn't care about the consequences that could have happened um because you didn't wrap it up, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 32:21

So unfortunately, yes. Okay, so okay, so with that, yes, I do actually see that I guess that's one thing that I do see a lot, a lot of the just getting multiple women pregnant, yeah, multiple baby mamas, and not taking care of them. And it's like you're only creating more children who are going to grow up, however you grew up, you know. Like you're you say that you want to be different, but I mean, and definitely I know good black men too, you know. But um, yeah, the ones who are, you know, just kind of being more careless. And honestly, that not only is that careless with you and how you handle your relationships, but that's also careless with yourself. You know, you're not you're not thinking of even like the different like ways of just like protection or things like that. And so maybe that could also be like a self-love type thing. You're like you're not loving yourself enough to respect yourself enough.

SPEAKER_02 33:11

So yeah.

SPEAKER_06 33:12

Yeah. We can all put on the front to be like that good black man, but we don't know what's really going on.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

Right.

SPEAKER_06 33:19

Like I'm I'm big on stories.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 33:21

Like if if you can't tell me your story, then I don't know if I can like trust you fully as like a person or a human being.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_06 33:30

Because I feel like stories change uh the narrative.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

Right.

SPEAKER_06 33:34

Like if if I don't hear, if the world never heard stories, the world will never change.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

Right.

SPEAKER_06 33:39

And I feel like there's a lot of people out there hiding behind this facade of like who they want to be. I ain't gonna lie, I was that like good black man. Right. People assume like, oh, okay, like he's out in the community, he's doing all these things, but I still had you know demons and monsters that I was trying to deal with on top of that. And at some point, what's done in the dark will come to light. And so, you know, a lot of my things have been played out over the internet because I feel like if if I went through it, if I had a porn addiction, uh, you know, dealing with uh alcohol and things of that nature, well then I'm not the only person doing it. So there's other people out there that might need to hear like my story of like get your shit together because you could potentially, you know, mess up your life and someone's life who is and has been really good for you. Right. And so it's like, you know, pay attention to you know those signs, like go get help, you know, go get a counselor, talk about things. Yeah, yeah. So I have a counselor too. So it's just one of those things where, you know, you you at some point, you know, we have we make this assumption that, you know, we when you see someone, and I I guess it's just here and like this little area where you know people that have status or money, they're viewed differently than other people. And it's one of those things where like because you know you have status and money doesn't mean like you're you're not dealing with the same issues that everyone else is dealing with.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

Oh, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_06 35:09

But it's just one of those things where if you stay quiet, no one questions it.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 35:14

And if you talk about it, then you're like a pariah or someone who's just like, oh God, like he's dealing with all this stuff. And and I'm saying that because it has happened to me where and I now understand I also understand why people don't speak out. Because if you do speak out, then there's like these judgmental eyes, and that people then get to look at your life and try to break it down. And the funny part is their life is still jacked up. But they but they get to at some point, they they get to like just look at you and like you know, point fingers and say, ha ha about you, but at some point they gotta go back to their lives and and figure it out. And it's just like it's a easy, it's easier for me to look at you and be like, ha ha, versus look in the mirror and be like, oh god, like who am I? And so I think a lot of people just run around there and try to do that. They run around, especially men. Because men don't want to deal with their issues and their dramas and their demons and their monsters, they run around and look at other men and say, Well, at least I'm not him, or at least I'm stronger than him, perceived stronger than him. Yes, right. I had a Facebook post about me getting divorced. Crying. It's not crying and everything, but it was 100% real. The most views I ever had. The most views I ever had. Ain't nobody nobody gave a damn about nothing else I put on Facebook, but I'm over here talking about all my drama and issues. I would like to send you around guilty. The most views I've ever had. Right. And I've had guys like, oh man, I've seen your Facebook post. You didn't like you haven't liked anything on my on my page.

unknown 36:54

Right.

SPEAKER_06 36:54

Don't support the pinky. Yeah, yeah. But so so then like you're you're then you're telling me exactly what I need to know.

SPEAKER_02 36:59

Right.

SPEAKER_06 37:00

Right. You're making that assumption because you know, I I put myself out there that I'm viewed as as weaker or less than, which again is not what the case is.

SPEAKER_04 37:11

So I can tell you, like, um, I don't know a man's view of what you put out, but I can tell you because I spoke to Yanni actually like whenever you made that post. Yeah. And I was like, okay, so one thing that I really like about Aaron, I was like, I was like, it takes a lot to like put yourself out there and to tell your story and to walk in your truth, even if your truth is messy and it's not attractive and it's ugly. I was like, people relate to that. Yeah, like people, I feel like for what it's worth, even the guys who were like front and like, oh, I ain't at least I ain't deal with that. Yeah, it's people relate to that, you know, people relate to authenticity, they relate to struggles, they relate to um, it makes you relatable. You know, I think that um, I don't know, I can't speak for you, but I'm sure you had people maybe like reach out to you and like, man, I was dealing with that too. Never wanted to say it, never wanted to admit it, but then I saw your post. And so, you know, for what it's worth, I will know, like for I went there and when I heard that, I was like, wow, that's that's really honest. Like, that's you know, authentic. It may not be pretty, it may not be whatever. But I was like, he's walking in his truth. Like, that's honestly the best way of walking in freedom. You can't walk in freedom if you're not gonna be honest with yourself. You can't get me because I put it out there.

SPEAKER_06 38:22

Yeah, I mean you can't have like anything over my head.

SPEAKER_04 38:26

Right. There's nothing that you can tell.

SPEAKER_03 38:28

I told you, stupid, like the what you got. So that's good, that's good. Yeah, no, I definitely I agree with that. I was gonna say the same thing. I commend you because I I watched it and I've been following you though, so I've been keeping up. Yeah, but I'm just like, wow, that's nice. And I know that there are men out there um of all different ages that are looking at and like thank you. I needed to hear that, thank you. They know like they're not the only one, at least they know you know, if they're going through something, they have someone to reach out to. Yeah, so I commend you keep it up. Someone is listening to it, someone needs to hear it, someone needs to see it. So there may be days where you're like, Why am I doing this? Or it doesn't really matter? It does. Yeah, someone for sure, definitely. I feel like I'm on the same thing though, because nowadays I just be you ask me a question, I'll tell you. If I did it, I did it, if I didn't, I didn't. It is what it is.

SPEAKER_06 39:17

I can tell you right now, I am I am free. Yeah, 35 years old. Like it's I've never ever felt this way before. Yeah, but you're 31, so don't clean you. Women age. Women age. Oh no, I ain't gonna say that.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

I ain't trying to get canceled.

SPEAKER_06 39:36

But I I do feel like uh like there's there's a level of freedom with just like being truthful, right?

SPEAKER_02 39:43

Even your truth, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 39:44

I don't have the I mean, I'm not putting on this mask, I'm not trying to act like um I'm holier than now. I used to be that guy who like looked down on other people.

SPEAKER_02 39:54

Right.

SPEAKER_06 39:55

Like there's a lot of jobs out here. It's easy to find a job, like no compassion, no empathy, just like because I thought I was, you know, somebody. Baby, let me tell you, God will humble you.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

Won't he do it? Won't he do it? I always tell people don't ever think you can't be you can very well so.

SPEAKER_06 40:13

And I'm and that's where I'm at now. I'm like, okay, cool. You you can laugh and you can like create whatever you want to create and do what you want to do, but at some point, you know, if if you don't get your life together, God will humble you. And when he humbles you, uh, he will humble you. But I also believe that he humbles you to tell you that he loves you, but also, hey, let your story out. Like we were created to to to help other people and not just like hold all of this pain and frustration, all this stuff in and act like we're perfect. So I don't know. I don't I'm I'm not understanding why we have to feel like as humans, we have to walk around here like we have like this perfect face on, and there's nothing going on in our lives, and it's all a lie because we know I'm not the only one. Yeah, there's a lot of people out there struggling with a lot of different things, right?

SPEAKER_02 41:03

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_06 41:03

And it's just one of those things where talking about it makes it like it's a healing thing for me now.

SPEAKER_04 41:10

And I always try to tell people like you don't have to like for you, so you use your platform that's podcasting. Um I when I can get back to it, I blog. So like that's why I said like I'm like as comfortable or used to being on a podcast, but I feel you feel at all. But I definitely feel more comfortable whenever I'm writing, and I feel like um not everybody has to go that route because not everybody has to know your story or your truth. But I always say go talk to the therapist. Like you don't have to, like, you don't have to go and you know make posts about if that's not your thing or if you want to, you know, whatever you're dealing with is more private. Because there's definitely things that I've talked to my therapist about that I always tell her, I'm like, girl, this between me, you, and the Lord. Listen, listen, this between us three. But for real though, you know, it's just like you said, when you when you talk to someone, well, here's the thing um when you walk around with something or with there's like a level of shame with it, and talking it release the shame. Because, like you said, not even your mind, not even the enemy, not um, you know, I'm spiritual, so not even the devil or not even the enemy can like hold that over you because it's like uh I talked about that. Yeah, I already addressed that. So try it again, you know what I mean? So yeah, no, I definitely think um like walking in your truth and talking to whoever you can, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:34

I think also for some of the like older generation, don't forget the younger generation, like there's stuff that we know, their wisdom that we have that we have to, I feel like anyway, um pass down, let people know. And it's crazy because I always say, like, oh yeah, I would love to be a mentor. Um, I say that. And then the funny thing is, I always end up training um new people at work, and they always want to tell me their stories about my advice, and I'll be all in for it. I'd be like, Okay, well, let me help you with this. And it's funny because one went through a summer, similar situation with me as far as a divorce, and she I can tell that she was hurting, and I feel like um the Lord made that happen, and I was able to love on her so that way she can I feel like love on her kids and kind of get back to living, right? Um, so it was a blessing for me. I even funny thing is, I have one of the rings she gave me. It says, I am enough. Um, she wore it every single day, and I was like, Oh my god, I need that ring. And her mom had an extra one and gave it to me. It's my favorite ring ever. So it's crazy how things work sometimes. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 43:33

I like that for sure. I think one of the uh again, going back to the suicide rate, that's you know, one of the issues that uh men have. We're not walking around truth. We we feel like uh, especially black men, we feel like there's like an added pressure. Like I have to be um better than uh in in order to even be viewed as some type of ego. And that just creates a lot of like, you know, pressure, unnecessary pressure that we put on ourselves. Because we just should be just ourselves and let the chips fall where they are. Because at the end of the day, you know, people aren't the ones that blesses you. God is the one who that blesses you. And that God is, you know, that's that's where you get your your strength and things from. It's not from people. And I think a lot of us just we run around and we're trying to look for other people to give us something that uh they can never give us. Right.

SPEAKER_02 44:29

Only God can fulfill.

SPEAKER_06 44:31

Only God can and I and I know for a fact that's one of the things that my issues, instead of, you know, going to God. What the issue was God was in my heart in my life. I didn't have any of these problems. But then life got easier and I started to feel empowered.

SPEAKER_02 44:48

I'm good with that.

SPEAKER_06 44:49

And so then I I took God out of the equation and put myself in the equation. And I became, you know, that mini God in my life. And we make horrible gods because we make all these decisions and choices and all fulfillings. Yeah. And then now, you know, then you've you start to realize, like, oh crap, my life is going downhill. Then you, you know, try to put God back in it, but it's you're already in that spiral. So what God usually does is let you just go in that spiral, and then once you hit that rock bottom or perceive rock rock bottom, you know, then you go back and then you in church every week and you're praying, and and it's like, oh, okay, so it's just like that game that I mean we play all the dang time. So what does a high value man look like to you?

SPEAKER_03 45:33

Okay, so a high value man to me looks like a man that knows what he wants and his actions match. Um, and with knowing what he wants, he still walks humbly with it, yeah. Um, but just doesn't play the games like he's you know there to handle his business, get things done. I would think that's high value, man. It moves in a certain way.

unknown 45:57

It's good.

SPEAKER_03 45:57

What you think swaggy? Oh Lord.

SPEAKER_06 46:01

Can't what is swaggy?

SPEAKER_03 46:03

Like I'm just I don't just the way a man carries himself. A confident man.

SPEAKER_06 46:06

I got you.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

There we go.

SPEAKER_06 46:07

Not an insecure man, I got you.

SPEAKER_03 46:09

Oh no. I mean, that's yeah. Okay, so oh wait, hold on.

SPEAKER_06 46:14

You mean like what? Well, we I feel like we there's no story behind that, no. There's no story behind that. Do you do you feel like most men are insecure? Like the ones that you have talked to, is it like a lot of insecurity with men?

SPEAKER_03 46:27

The ones I've talked to? Yeah, I would say like half and half.

SPEAKER_06 46:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 46:31

I've dealt with confident men and men that move that way, but then like too confident or I feel like their ego was too bad.

SPEAKER_06 46:38

So it wasn't it wasn't like they wasn't walking around humble then.

SPEAKER_03 46:41

No, no, he's gonna be humbled one day.

SPEAKER_06 46:44

Yeah. Whoever you are, God bless you, brother.

SPEAKER_03 46:55

I stand by my statement.

SPEAKER_06 46:56

Yeah, yeah. We stand by it too. But change your ways when you don't want to be a humble box, man. Hey, go ahead and change your ways. Go ahead and put God back in your life and start living right.

SPEAKER_04 47:13

So, um, for me, a high-value man to me is one that has integrity. He's an honest man, he's in touch with his emotions, um, he values himself, which I can see in the way he represents himself. He is intentional and passionate in everything he does, and he's confident, like Johnny said, in who he is and whatever that is that he brings to the table. So I wanted to be very specific about that and being confident in who he is and whatever he brings to the table. Because I feel like kind of like men feel the pressure to like have this, like, oh, we have to bring all of this to the table, and then I will be confident. No, be confident in your table. If your table's a foldable table, be confident in that. You know, whatever it is, whatever it is that you bring, like you don't have to, or for me, I can say you don't have to have a certain standard or whatever. Be confident in who you are and what you bring and what you can do, you know. So yeah. Stand in your truth.

SPEAKER_06 48:13

All right, that's that's real good. There's a a saying that I love, uh, and again, it's this this book, Waves to a superior man. I read like I read it all the time. Uh, because it's like a small little snippet, like each day has like, you know, one like one page of like something. And uh the guy said the way a man, uh, let me see how you phrase it. Uh uh, the way a man has sex with the world is the way he has sex with his woman. So you can go and look at someone who is lazy or not doing what he's doing, or doing what he needs to do on the outside, and you can kind of tell, okay, that's kind of how it's gonna be if I let him in. Just lazy and not gonna not willing to do like the necessary work um to like make it all go. So um, but there's also a stat where it's like 70% of women don't have orgasms when they have sex, neither. So I can also see how that could be like, you know, an issue. And that's also one of those things where uh guys guys don't, you know, have those conversations or talk about it. Or I hear guys and they talking about, well, you better hurry up. Like I know I'm gonna get mine. I'm just like, bro, that's so to me, that's a red flag. That's selfish. If a guy isn't going to make sure like you are going to get yours too, well, then he's saying, like, I'm not gonna put forth the effort to, you know, when things get tough, I'm not gonna put forth the effort because I'm not gonna feel selfish. I'm not even gonna put forth the effort with having sex. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 49:49

So no, I definitely think it says a lot. It does.

SPEAKER_06 49:52

Yeah, for sure. Fellas, let's do better. All right.

SPEAKER_03 49:56

Uh please for a single woman.

SPEAKER_06 50:00

Rebecca. Uh okay, so what do you think? Uh, or what do you think the single most important thing a man can do to protect his family is?

SPEAKER_03 50:07

I would say be a godly man and a man that prays for his family. Okay. Um, that is the first thing. And then the second thing I would just say is be honest and runnable and say, Hey, I need help. Talk, communicate, whether it be with um whoever you're dating or married to, or even just a mentor to say, Hey, I need help. Maybe you don't feel comfortable coming to your wife or whatever for whatever reason, but tell someone you need help. But for sure, first, be a godfather man.

SPEAKER_04 50:36

So, for me, I think I know he said the one single most important thing. Well, don't point me to do. No way, no way. I'm gonna come right behind you with two.

SPEAKER_03 50:47

So the way we did that for one person.

SPEAKER_04 50:51

Sorry.

SPEAKER_06 50:51

It's okay.

SPEAKER_04 50:53

The one single most important thing, but obviously there can't just be one. Yeah, yeah, for sure. There has to be two. That's okay. It's um, I would say being transparent and taking care of himself, kind of like what you said, Yanni. Um, I always say that you are the best you for everyone else when you are the best you for yourself. Um, so taking that back to like mental health, um, I think that being the best you for yourself will automatically make you better for your partner or for your family. Um, and as far as protection, um, I would say transparency, being able to communicate well and express what you're feeling and what you're going through. Um, with just with black men in um particular, I feel like they're not always as transparent, or maybe they maybe they don't feel the freedom, maybe they don't date women that make them feel like they can be transparent. But I feel like if I know that you're struggling, if I know what you're going through, that actually will protect me. Like that helps me because we're able to address that. So, like that's actually safe for me. So, like you being transparent, you being open will create safety for me because I already know what you're dealing with, already know what you're struggling with, already know what's going on in your life. And so we're being transparent about that. We're not both walking around in a house with issues and neither body and nobody's talking about it, you know? So yeah. And then that will also show me in what ways can I show up to help you, to help assist you, to help H you, to help, you know, protect things with you or that sort of thing.

SPEAKER_06 52:22

So yeah.

SPEAKER_04 52:23

Yeah, I like it.

SPEAKER_06 52:25

Um, so do you think it's taboo? Kind of when you talked about loving on yourself first. Like I feel like a lot of people like they they try to put, you know, their wife or their kids in front of themselves when it comes to loving on on themselves last and give trying to give to everyone else. And they think like that's there's like honor in that. And I think that that is maybe one of the things that could be destroying families, right? Uh, where guys, men aren't filling themselves up to to give to the people that's in their lives. They are just, you know, giving uh on an empty uh tank. So they're not giving anything, but they're just making assumptions that they are. And if you know someone isn't uh appreciative, then they feel some type of way because they feel like they're just giving, you know, everything to their family.

SPEAKER_04 53:20

Yeah, um, yeah, I definitely think just like to go back to that point that I was making, um, I definitely think that you can't give from an empty cup. You know, like you're not going to, I mean, if you think about like water, you know, and there is, I think of, you know, that glass of water, it's two glasses of water, and one glass of water is full, the one glass has one fourth, and that's you. And you know, like the full glass is everybody else, you know, everything that you're dealing with, everything that you're giving to, but like, or we'll just say the other glass is half full. So then you go and give your one fourth. Well, that one fourth still doesn't even fill the half. So, like both of y'all are now unfulfilled. Yeah, you know what I mean? You're not full, and so I can speak for myself, and I feel like the same thing could be said about men is that you are the best you when you're the best for yourself. Like, I'm better for me when I take care of my mental health. I'm better for you, I'm better for everybody I'm gonna be around. Um, my my demeanor is better, and that sort of thing. So I think that same thing with with men. I definitely think that I don't think there's honor in putting yourself last. I actually don't I'm gonna have to disagree with that. I don't I don't believe there's honor. I do believe that that the pressure that that is honor is hurting, yeah, is hurting people. And I think that could even be leading to the suicide rate because men have these like great pressures that they feel the need to, you know, put put this before and put this before and put this before. But your family also needs you to take care of yourself, yeah. Like they also need you to be just the best version of you, and so therefore you can be better for everyone else, and so you won't experience burnout fatigue.

SPEAKER_02 55:05

Yeah, you know. Yeah, fact.

SPEAKER_03 55:07

I feel like I literally just dealt with that, like with the marriage. I feel like I gave all, you gave all, you give all, not even just my marriage, I think just where I was living it at that time in general. Just give, give, give, give, give. I was like, well, maybe if I'm serving, you know, maybe if I'm um serving my husband, maybe if I'm you know helping the family. And it got to the point where I literally was like about to break, like about to have a mental break, and I was like, I I got to take care of myself. And I did, and I think honestly, the move to um Odessa has played a key part. Um, I've had to like restart my faith, uh, got rebaptized, which was big for me, getting myself back in school, um, reminding uh myself what I love, what I like to do. And I think now when it comes to um the time when I would get into a relationship now, I feel like now I can handle it better. I can give a man more because I kind of know how to pour back into myself and kind of pour in him at the same time. That's good.

SPEAKER_06 56:03

That is good. All right, so this is uh one thing I've you know for four years I was uh a bib coordinator, which I was supposed to hold men accountable for, you know, when they were abusive in a relationship.

unknown 56:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 56:17

Uh men are very hard to hold accountable because they in my opinion, they always try to blame everyone else before themselves. Um, so and that's just from my perspective. Uh, but do you think uh men hold themselves accountable for their actions? And I guess give me also a percentage of you know men that do hold themselves accountable for their action. I would say 25%.

SPEAKER_04 56:49

You want us to give you a percentage? Yeah, I was gonna say like five.

SPEAKER_06 56:52

Oh, okay. That's that's good. I I I I'm out a lot. I'm I was 10 to 15, I'm trying to get rid of it. Maybe 19% you know uh 10 to 15 percent.

SPEAKER_03 57:06

Right. I was like, who do you know?

SPEAKER_06 57:08

So 5%, Yanni. I'm gonna say I'm gonna I'm gonna say 25.

SPEAKER_04 57:12

But the men who do hold themselves accountable, it's hard for me because I feel like I know some good guys who do hold themselves accountable. But they're I mean, like these are like married men, like like my friend's husbands and stuff, but like I feel like they hold themselves accountable. And so um, and they give me hope to think that there are other men out there who hold themselves accountable. I'll say 25 with you. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 57:30

So yeah, I need to meet some different guys, obviously.

SPEAKER_06 57:33

Assumptions are hell of a drug, though, man. Assumptions are hell of a drug. Um, because we can all again, we can all assume that relationships are like, oh, that's a perfect relationship. And I used to think that for a while, but then I started like doing the work and I just realized like ain't no perfect relationship. Like it's again, it's messy. It's it's gonna it's gonna be messy. So all right, so why do you think that is so low? Why do you think you know men don't hold themselves accountable for their actions?

SPEAKER_04 58:04

So um just like thinking about your question, that question in do men hold themselves accountable? Um, I don't really feel like this is something that I can answer for all men, of course, like we just made that assumption because each man is different, just like women, we are all different as well. But um I can speak on the men that I know um that that's whether that's present or in the past. And I do feel that some men do hold themselves accountable, but maybe not always as quickly as some may like, or as quickly as the situation is needed.

SPEAKER_02 58:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:37

Um and I'm glad they're it's kind of like I'm glad you're telling me your truth, but I needed it a month ago or last week when I asked you, you know. So I guess um another good question for me would be do men hold other men accountable? And just because I feel like that's big to me, it's not enough for a man to see an issue with the situation and then um tell me one thing, but not hold his friend accountable for it. And um, so I guess just also men being able to either address it within themselves or also within their boys. Because a lot of the men who I know who do hold themselves accountable don't hold their homies accountable, you know? And so, yeah, that's my takeover.

SPEAKER_03 59:20

Okay, so let me justify my percentage is so low. I feel like mine is low because the men that I've been around are dealt with. Um I really like society like tells them like they don't have to be accountable for something, certain stuff, or like they try to push the blame off on other people. Um, there's times where I'm like, hey, you know, this has happened, or hey, you made me feel this way, and it's like, oh, well, you took it that way. Or um that's what men do, they cheat. What? That's not an excuse at all, and it's not okay. Um, but I think for for sure, the one that I'm thinking of, society said it's okay, and for some reason they just feel like they can just pass the blame off on anything, the first thing that comes to their head that they think makes sense.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:08

Yeah, so it hurts. It's a level of entitlement too, like men feel like you know they're entitled to it, so uh they can. Um, and so yeah, and then if if they can't, then they'll blame it on uh well that's what I that's what I've learned over time, especially if they've gotten away with it more than once. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Or they'll say, you know, I know one of my biggest things was like if you don't do it, somebody else will. And it's so like just it's so jacked up to say things like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:41

Right.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:42

But it's just one of those things where like, you know, you assume that that's what, you know, when we're talking about cheating and and you know, going outside, you assume like that that's what you need at that time. Again, you're you're trying to cope with it in ways that are just so jacked up. So if it wasn't, if it wasn't coping it, coping with another woman, it was either watching porn or just going to get drunk, blackout, and not remember anything. Um, but at the end of the day, you're still creating chaos in your life that you're gonna have to explain or apologize. And if you don't want to apologize or look at yourself, then it's easy to be like, well, it was alcohol, or it was porn, well, I told you what I needed. Um, and you just sound like a little bitch when you do things like that. And I've had to like look in the mirror to myself and be like, Aaron, you are a little bit. Because like I was. There was no if, answer, buts about it. Like I like I was just running around uh again, creating all this chaos and all this mess, not being accountable. Um thinking I was accountable, but not being truly accountable for like, hey, boss, like there's some issues that you gotta deal with. And the only way you gotta deal with the only way you're gonna be able to deal with them if you stop what you're doing and look in the mirror and be like, You gotta find them head on. Hey, this this is what it is. And so, yeah, I think because men don't want to be uh accountable, that that's just what they do. They just they just kind of run from it and it's easy to blame everybody else.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:14

Sweep it. Right. And I feel like for a lot of men, sometimes it's like um if you're with someone who's very forgiving, and so I think you take that for granted. Like they'll they'll yeah, they'll forgive this.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:29

For sure.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:29

Like, I'm sure you know, this isn't gonna be the icing on the cake, or this isn't gonna be the final straw, you know, like, oh, like they've forgiven things in the past, and also I think that's why I kind of have like this rule where I've talked to Yanni about it before, but like when I'm married, there are just certain things of like it's it's forgivable, but it's not forgettable, and I will divorce because of it. Oh, yeah, 100%. I definitely think that if I don't follow through, it gives a this like perception of like you let this slide, you might let it slide again.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:03

Yeah, you know, for for facts, yeah. But I've also heard women say that, but when you're in the thick of things, not it changes, right? They, you know, you sit down and you realize, like, I'm gonna fight for this person. If that person's worth fighting for, and if that person's not worth fighting for, if there isn't like again, the actions to change, and it's just like this is what it is, well then you know, yeah, no, we'll we're out. But I've I've I've heard women say like that's their bottom line, but then when they're in it, it's like, well, let's try it again. Yeah, let's let's figure it out. Or do you think a lot of times it's because of you know kids or money?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:45

I was just gonna say different factors playing it right.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:48

If if the dude is like, you know, a multimillionaire and you're living the life that you always wanted to live, are you going to uh you know make an issue about it, or will you like go and do your own thing too since he's doing his own thing?

SPEAKER_03 1:04:03

That's that's what we were talking about. That becomes like a toxic situation right there.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:08

Toxic, I was saying, I was like, well, you know, it just depends. Some people marry for the lifestyle, and then that's okay. They're okay with kind of like turning the other cheek to whatever it is. I was telling Yanni, I was like, I can only speak for me right now, but like I'm a lover girl. So like I want love, and so and I want genuine love. And so I I don't think no matter what the lifestyle is, that I could really just keep like take my feelings out of it.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:34

What impact do you want to leave on this earth?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:38

For me, I feel like I would have, if I would have gotten this question years ago, um, my answer would have probably been different. Um at this point, I want to leave. The impact that I want to leave now is pretty simple. Um, I want to know that if anything ever happened to me, even now, that um those who I have been around and come in contact with that um that has, I guess, coming came around me or anything like that, that they feel love, um, accepted, and heard. Um, I often found find myself drawn to people dealing with difficult seasons, um, whether or not that's like grief or different things like that. And um I think that's because like a part of me relates to what it's like to like go through something and to feel lonely or to feel like you don't have um people there for you. So I have a really big heart for even when I was young, I used to always say that I wanted to speak up for those who don't have a voice, you know, whatever that that is, whether that's like um I used at one point I really had a big heart for like sex trafficking and like that sort of thing, and women and children. I haven't really been able to like narrow it down to like really where I want to take that with. But um, that's the impact that I think I would like to leave. I like whenever people. People get around me and the thing that they leave saying is like Kelsey made made me feel heard, she made me feel seen, um, she made me feel accepted. Like, no matter what the truth was, like Kelsey accepted me and I felt loved, and so yeah, that's the impact that I feel like I want to leave. It's probably a more simple one than what I would have given you years ago. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:24

No. Um, I think the impact that I want to leave is just one to uh let everyone know that it's okay not to be okay. Um, I think that's kind of where I am in the last couple of years, just to know, hey, um, things happen. Life happens. Um, you kind of have to get up and you know, allow God to put you back together. Um is what I would say. I would like to make it back together.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:47

That's good. No, I like that for sure. Things happen for a fact. People walk around here and they make the you know, the exception that it can't happen to them.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:58

Um two times, three times, four times.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:04

And it will, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:05

And it keeps happening, keep going in the same circle.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:07

For a fact. But also keep getting up and you know, keep trying. Like just don't give up, don't quit, because again, um, if you really want your life to be the best it could possibly be, you know, you're gonna continue having having to get up and and fighting for the things that you want.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:23

So And also I would say um that every last single person's story is important to touch back on that. For sure. Like everyone, I feel like everyone has a story that someone else needs to hear to get them through what they're currently going through. For sure. But I feel like it's up to us as humans to share it, yeah, however you feel comfortable doing it.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:42

Sometimes you feel like you, I guess, like don't relate or like no one's gonna have been has is going through this, and then like, like you said, you put something out there and it's like your highest viewed, you know, a podcast, and you realize like you probably had all types of people writing you, and you're like, oh dang, y'all too. You know, they were just waiting for the right person to speak up. And um, I definitely believe that people are attached to your truth. I believe that there are people who will walk in truth once you walk in your and so like I definitely believe that you carry that with you, you know. There are people who need to hear your story or hear what you have to say or your impact or whatever ways, you know. Not every like I said, not everybody does podcasting or writes or whatever it is, but um even if like I have friends who have like non nonprofits, and like that's something that I would like to start like in the future. And so, you know, that's something that you know, people are attached to that. Like, start your nonprofit. That's something that you know people will be blessed by.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:46

All right, uh, so I appreciate y'all for for jumping on and having this conversation with me.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:51

Thanks for having us. We enjoyed that.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:55

And again, this podcast is about uh creating a space for for people to come on and just talk about issues that we normally wouldn't talk about. Um, but it's geared towards uh more of finding ways men can be better and do better and learning from all different perspectives, I think, is is key. And so um I thank y'all for coming on and giving uh your time and and uh your your your stories and you know opening up and and letting people in on some of the things that that you have have gone through. Uh I believe that you know this is a place where you can also heal, or this is a place where you get to you know start to question, you know, certain things about life, and it just you know it helps you you know grow and be better as a person. So again, I appreciate I appreciate y'all for jumping on. Uh like, subscribe, share, or don't. God's got me anyway. Love y'all. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:53

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:56

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at excellent above talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.