Why Are Men So Lost? Finding Direction and Purpose in Today’s Society

Today's episode engages deeply with the theme of men's struggles with purpose and accountability, shedding light on how their development is influenced from a young age. Through real-life stories, we examine the pivotal transitions from youth to adulthood and the impact of societal pressures on men's self-worth.

• Exploring societal expectations and their effects on young boys 
• Insights from the classroom: Stories of accountability and growth 
• The role of parental protection in developing resilience 
• Identifying struggles with purpose and direction today 
• Practical steps to reclaim personal accountability and build community 
• Emphasizing the importance of vulnerability and connection in manhood 

Thank you for listening! Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and for daily motivational and up-to-date content. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Journey of Men
• 11:25 Voices of Experience: Real Stories from Men
• 19:00 Teaching Moments: Lessons from the Classroom
• 37:30 The Quest for Accountability and Purpose
• 51:00 Building Meaning through Relationships and Community
• 1:04:20 Practical Steps for Creating Personal Accountability

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Speaker 2: 0:31

What's up my beautiful people, aaron Thomas, with Excellence Above Talent. I started teaching October of last year Came into a situation where students said a teacher put their hands on them. I don't think they did a big investigation, but they made the teacher resign.

Speaker 2: 1:08

I took over for the class and there was a young man that helped assist and I guess the teacher getting fired and I had him for maybe half a year and I could see why. Just a misguided, angry young man that was looking for attention in all the wrong places. And it's sad that an educator lost their job. I guess from hearsay, because what?

Speaker 2: 1:27

some of the kids told me was it didn't happen or he had kind of grabbed them, but I guess again, you as an adult shouldn't be grabbing anybody, kids that is not theirs. But it kind of sent me on this path. I've been on this path for a while Of trying to figure out why men Do the things that they do and where it comes from, and teaching middle school boys, seventh grade, dealing with seventh and eighth graders, starting to get a Bigger picture of how A lot of men's Attitudes, character, morals Are cultivated Around this age. The ambition, the drive, the motivation is cultivated around, you know, 6th, 7th and 8th grade. And it's crazy because as a grown man we are searching to be and find our best self and find our best self and I think we don't give the young men in our lives that opportunity to strive to be their best selves by letting them mess up, by not fixing their mistakes.

Speaker 2: 2:37

A lot of kids that get in trouble it's usually the mom. But the mom comes to school and she protects it. She protects her young boy from getting in trouble, when most of the time if your kid got in trouble, most of the time it's because he most likely did it. But instead of trying to make a teaching moment or holding him accountable. A lot of parents protect their sons from punishment, which I think is just making them weak as young boys, and if you're a weak young boy you tend to grow up to be a weak man. But there are two things that I've seen in my almost two years of teaching that correlates between what happens when you're a young man and what happens when you're a man. Two things that I've seen held in my life because I'm on this journey of learning and growth and trying to figure it out. But it took me until in my 30s to figure it out. But I think a lot of issues that young boys face in our society today is not feeling enough. They don't have drive or vision or purpose and they struggle with setting goals, seeing the bigger picture, being accountable for their actions, because the sad part is they know they're going to a lot of them know they're going to get in trouble and they do it anyway and they try to act like they didn't do it and that's just again. I don't know if that's a taught thing or no one has really sat down and let them know like that is not how you do things, like if you're going to get in trouble. You have to sit there and take the punishment, whether good or bad. So there's this question that I've been dealing with most of my life and it's have you ever woken up feeling like life is just on repeat you work, you eat, you sleep and you do it all over again.

Speaker 2: 4:49

And the question is why do men struggle? Because there is a struggle. Why do men struggle with purpose and accountability? And I just kind of want to have that conversation. So why do men struggle with meaning? Why did I struggle with meaning?

Speaker 2: 5:02

We live in a society where they tell you to be strong, not to show emotions. Show no fear, be tough, don't cry, Be a man, be dominant, make people respect you, and I just have a hard time thinking that that's what it is that we should be teaching our young men and boys. I think men are struggling with meaning because they lack a purpose. Society has shifted traditional roles and it's leaving men feeling our young boys and men feeling directionless.

Speaker 2: 5:40

So for a long time, how I viewed it was as a man, you provide and you protect for your family. Be willing to die for your family, be willing to give up all that you have in order to protect your family. And now we live in a society where a lot of women are saying they don't need a man. A lot of women are saying I can provide and protect for myself. I can provide and protect for myself. So if that's what I feel is innate in me as a man and now it's not there anymore but that's all I've learned my entire life. Where do I go and what do I do? How do I find direction? Again, when all I've learned was one way of doing things?

Speaker 1: 6:26

And.

Speaker 2: 6:26

I've found that making myself a self-sufficient man, being able to take care of myself, that saying of you have to provide and protect for your family Well, you can't provide and protect for your family if you can't provide and protect for yourself first. I think that was the biggest thing that I had to process and go through. It's like trying to fill up a cup when you're on empty is the same way. I feel that a lot of young boys tend to become men, and a lot of men are right now. They're trying to fill up their family's cup and they're on empty. They have nothing left, they're lost, they're confused, they're trying to figure it out, and I think we have, instead of going within and having like deeper conversations, challenging ourselves to to do better and be better, we sometimes would draw to shallow distractions.

Speaker 2: 7:29

Social media is a big one. You can get lost in social media and if, when you look at it, there's nothing but piranhas on social media where, if you don't check yourself, you'll find yourself scrolling, and now the dude you're scrolling is big booty girls, titties all over the place, it's uh, they're setting you up to well, you're setting yourself up. I'm not putting no blame on on women that are doing what they're doing on, and on the internet.

Speaker 2: 7:57

Uh, because if it's making them money and dudes are like it and giving them money and flying them out, well that's on the dudes, that's not on them. But it's a setup if you don't have a conversation of direction with young boys and men, because without direction they'll just fall into that, the scroll doom of watching videos, of liking videos, not really going out and having conversations with people, not trying to find ways to give back to the community. They just work, they go home, they doom scroll, they go to sleep, they wake up to do it all over again. So a lack of purpose is one reason why men struggle with meaning. I also think isolation and loneliness is another reason why I've struggled with finding my meaning in my life. I want friends. I know I need friends, people that are going to hold me accountable and pick me up when I'm down and just hang out with Because it's nice to just hang out with like-minded people. But I have a hard time cultivating relationships. It's not that I don't want relationships, because I know I need them.

Speaker 2: 9:12

When I was in the army, that was one of the reasons why I loved the army the most. It wasn't because of being in the army or going on missions or going to Iraq or fighting for my country. The reason why I love the Army the most was the camaraderie, the friendships, the brotherhoods that were created while in the Army. To know that this person to my left or my right is willing to die for me today if they had to. The conversations, the deep conversations we've had, the raw emotions we showed each other in war there's, there's nothing like it to to wake up and and fight for something that you believe in, with people that you love and that love you most of not not all of them and then you come back from that and you go your separate ways and that becomes difficult because the relationships that you cultivated were deep and sometimes I come into it with the assumption they're going to be superficial, so I don't even try or just don't want to bother. You know a person living their lives or just don't want to bother.

Speaker 2: 10:25

you know a person living their lives, but I've learned that, man, if you just reach out and call and talk, the person on the other end was also needing someone to also talk to, and you created that space to where you know you can get whatever is off your chest and they can too. Another reason why I struggle with my meaning in my life was sometimes on a growth journey. You see how difficult it could be, how difficult it is, especially when you're in it and you see that there's, or you feel that there's, no let up. It doesn't get easy.

Speaker 2: 11:05

Some days you just want to just stop lay down, stop trying and you get caught up in the comforts of life Because, if you haven't noticed, as a man, this world tries to eliminate discomfort for you, so you can just be in this pocket of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, eats, sleep. But I wholeheartedly believe this as a young man and as a man without struggle, there is no sense of achievement or meeting in your life. You have to go through some type of struggle in order to be your best self. You just don't get to be great without navigating difficult situations in your life. It's like that saying you know, a boxer can be 50 and 0 and never lose a match, but the first match he fights and he fights someone good and they punch him in the face. They won't know how to react because they've never been knocked down. And then they have this option to stay down and give up or get back up and keep fighting. And a lot of times when people get punched in the face, they start questioning is it worth it? And it is. But at that moment, at that time, in that moment, you feel like, you feel that it is not. So you go about your business, you do something totally different, you change it up, only to realize that you are preventing yourself from being greater than.

Speaker 2: 12:34

The second thing I feel that prevents young boys and men from being great is they have a hard time being accountable for their actions. And accountability is hard because it's funny. I just watched a or maybe I saw it on social media where a guy got in trouble and, instead of him trying to lie and say it was somebody else, try to defend himself. He came out and said yes, it was me and I accept full responsibility. And the comments on that young man's post was that guy is stupid. He should have never said it was him. Why give yourself up? So we talk about accountability like it is, like we want it, but when it's time to be held accountable, most people don't want no part of it because at the end of the day, it society's view, it makes you look weak, because you're going out and you are essentially exposing yourself, telling people that yes, this is what I did and forgive me, and I'm trying to move forward, versus acting like it wasn't you fighting people who are calling you out, even even though it is true Like you put up this front and it's more. It's. It's a. It's a heavier burden to not be accountable than to just be accountable. That burden, and at the very beginning is like OK, I do, the dude did it, he's a bum, whatever, but you go, go on. People go on about their lives. But if you're fighting it and saying it wasn't you and not being accountable for your actions, people will still go on about their lives because no one's that important to where someone's going to be thinking about them for years upon years. But when your name comes up, there is a distrust. I don't trust that guy because I felt like he did do it. He didn't have accountability. So, um, that's that reason. It's um, Accountability is an ego thing.

Speaker 2: 14:37

As men, admitting that you need to improve, admitting that you are wrong, that you failed, that you're not a great man like you want to be, but you're going to still strive to be. Admitting that is tough. But how are you going to grow if you don't see the ugly in you? I've seen my ugly and it's not a, it's not, he's not pretty. The monster that's inside of me, what he's willing to say or do to protect that ego. So I've had to sit with that, with that person, and let him know, like, hey, this is not what we're doing.

Speaker 2: 15:16

This is not how we're doing it. This is not how we're doing it. You have ran majority of my life, and now it's my turn to start living my life the way that I deem fit for my life to be lived. And you sometimes have to do that when the ego tries to get involved. A lot of times, young boys and men have issues with accountability because you don't have strong mentors in your life showing you the right way, and that's one of the things that I want to do before.

Speaker 2: 15:48

I leave this earth is show others the way out of this misery and pain that we sometimes put ourselves through because we have no purpose and no accountability. To be a role model, to live by example, to lead by example. As a man living in this society where young boys don't have a lot of role models, don't have a lot of people to look up to, we should take on that fight, stand in the gap, reach out and call and have conversations with your nephews, your cousins, your friends' sons. Be a role model, live the life that you would want them to live.

Speaker 2: 16:30

Jocko Willick is one of my favorite artists. Him and David Goggins are just monsters when it comes to taking complete ownership of your mess. And there might have been one or two kids in the two years that I've been teaching that took complete ownership of their actions. The rest of them I've had to have a conversation of. That's not what real men do. Real men are accountable, they take ownership of their actions and they try to fix the problem. And I like Jocko because he has the extreme ownership mindset where everything in your life is your responsibility.

Speaker 2: 17:10

And at first that's hard to swallow. But then I look back at previous relationships and this argument or battle that we had for like three or four months started when we were having a conversation and I said something that I shouldn't have said and that created a response, and then from that response it just snowballed. And a lot of times I can try to blame that person for the issues or the moments of how we got here, but if I peel back all the layers, I can go back to that point where, if I would have said something different or if I would have walked away, it wouldn't have gotten to that part or it wouldn't have gotten so bad. And so I now believe that with my whole heart, extreme ownership, I don't run from anything.

Speaker 2: 18:05

If you call me out, you call me out. My ego might get bruised a little bit. I'll have to check my ego, let them know that, hey, this is for correction, this is to be better. So I got to sit on it for a little bit and then I go about my business. I take ownership of the situation because it's so powerful. You don't have that power anymore to try to make me feel some type of way, because I've already, you know, had the conversation with myself. I was already accountable with my actions. I know the things I said, or who I hurt, and a lot of times.

Speaker 2: 18:39

people think accountability and I've said it multiple times but people think accountability means punishment. But it's not punishment, it's improvement. I see I did something wrong. Now there's consequences sometimes with those actions that you have, but those aren't punishments. That's just the consequence of your action. But in those consequences, if you want to improve, you can improve. So being accountable is more about self-improvement than it's about self-punishment. How to build accountability, because I don't want to just talk about it and leave you with anything.

Speaker 2: 19:14

Number one you find a trusted accountability partner, someone who is your ride or die, someone you can have conversations with and the town isn't going to know all your business, someone who you trust and they trust you, and I would dare to say I would not find an accountability partner or a mentor that also doesn't show you a piece of themselves as well, because when you're being held accountable, you have to be vulnerable. People have to know things about you so that they can call you out when they see you going down a certain path. But to me, it should not be one-sided. You know some of my deep, darkest secrets and I know none of yours. I don't know if I could trust someone like that or if I want someone like that as my mentor. I want someone that has been in the trenches and has fought this fight and they are overcoming or have overcame the fight, and so now they are trying to pour back into the next generation. Second thing is write your goals down, your month goals, six months, yearly, weekly. What are you trying to accomplish? What are you trying to do? Look at them, often early and often to help keep you on track or on pace.

Speaker 2: 20:39

Create non-negotiable habits. I did this way back when and I stopped. But I'm gonna start it back again. It don't have to be like a lot. I think I had four, three or four non-negotiables that I'm going to go back after this podcast and like, sit down and and rewrite my non-negotiables. But my non-negotiables were to read and pray every day, to work out every day and to try to do something that was going to help you grow if that's reading a book, if that's doing a challenge, if that's working on your podcast, like, do something that's going to help you be a better person each and every day. For my three non-negotiables and I've lost track of those over the time you sometimes let life overwhelm you and you lose track or sight of what you're supposed to be doing. But my uncle said, like a couple of years ago when I was struggling go supposed to be doing. But my uncle said, like a couple of years ago when I was struggling go back to the basics. Strip all of the unnecessary things that you feel like you needed to have in your life in order to be a man. Strip it all away and go back to the basic, and sometimes that's what we need to do as men, young boys go back to the basic, find what motivates us, inspires us, us wants us to be better.

Speaker 2: 22:04

And, in daily reflection, what did I do right? What do I need to improve? You see how they say what I did. That was like negative or bad. It's improvement. You're looking for improvement. The words you say matter, and so maybe you didn't have a great day. So, instead of sitting back being negative about it, choose your words wisely. What do I need to improve on this day to make it better?

Speaker 2: 22:27

And I want to leave you with practical steps for finding meaning in your life, things that have helped me in my process to be a better man. And, trust me, I am still in the process. I'm still trying to figure it out and I'm not afraid to say I'm not where I want to be. And each and every day I'm trying to be better For myself, for my wife, for my kids at school, family, friends, the young boys, young men that look up to me, the men that look up to me. I'm just trying to be better. So one thing helped me find my meaning was to find my core values. What do you stand for? What do I stand for? What kind of man do you want to be? So you sit down and you list your top five values and align your actions with them. So my top five values, or core values, is one I want to be a godly man.

Speaker 2: 23:28

Two, I want to be a man of integrity. Three, I wanted to be accountable. Four, I want to be vulnerable and open. And five to be vulnerable and open. And five, adaptability knowing how to adapt in any situation, because life will throw a lot of different things at you and if you can't adapt to those things, it makes it hard. Those are my top five values, things I stand for, things that I have to fight for every day. It's an everyday battle, everyday fight.

Speaker 2: 24:01

My second thing is is to build resistance through discipline. So I believe that purpose is not found. You don't just wake up and be like, oh, this is what it is. It is built. Your purpose is built Doing hard things daily Waking up in the morning at four to go work out at five to start your day, fasting.

Speaker 2: 24:25

There was a series that we were in about fasting and fasting. He said it was like 12 different ways you could fast or reasons why you should fast, but it helps build discipline. It's telling God. I need you, I need your assistance, I need your help, I need your guidance and I'm going to put myself into some level of pain while praying to you, asking you to guide me through whatever it is I'm trying to go through.

Speaker 2: 24:53

We sometimes run from building resilience through discipline because it's uncomfortable, because you're gonna have to go through some pain and suffering, like, no, I don't want to get up in the morning to work out, like I just don't. I'd rather stay in my bed, stay asleep, wake up when it's time to wake up and go. But if I want to be better, if I want to challenge myself to not be average, you have to push yourself. You have to push yourself to greatness, you have to push yourself to excel. Podcasts excellence above talent. Everyone has talent in any areas of life. They have talents. But talent meets excellence when you push yourself beyond the pain, when you want to quit, when you want to give up. That's in working out, in relationships, career.

Speaker 2: 25:48

And the last thing that really helped me find meaning was I started to volunteer a lot. Helping others gives life meaning. So I volunteered, started a mentorship program, supported multiple causes, would talk to anyone that's willing to talk to me about the struggles and triumphs of life. I began to serve more and that really opened my eyes to see the importance of me. It opened my eyes to see that I am needed. It opened my eyes to see that I am needed. It opened my eyes to see that I can make a difference. It opened my eyes to see that I am enough, because there were people willing to listen, take my advice, learn and grow from me. And there have been people after the fact that came and said I appreciate you for all that you have done for me, for being you, for showing up, for being open, for being vulnerable, for talking about your struggles.

Speaker 2: 26:45

I did build a community of like-minded men, did it twice, but I have to get better at sustaining. We had a men's group during COVID. We'd just reach out every week, get together on Zoom, talk about life and what we're going through and if anyone could help. It's pretty cool to see because we act like men don't want to talk, don't want to express themselves. But if you create an atmosphere where men can talk, where they can express themselves and be themselves, they will. It's a pretty awesome thing to see, to witness, to watch.

Speaker 2: 27:22

So meaning isn't something you find Meaning is something you create, and I'm in the process of creating and recreating myself, and that's the beautiful thing. I don't have to sit miserable thinking that that is manly, that I can't go out and make better for myself and kids and makes their life a living hell because he is stuck trying to be what society says a man is. Then you question yourself do you think that's really a man? A man who torments and abuse the people that he says he loves because he's stuck in a job that he hates and he feels that that's all he provides or can provide or can do in this relationship or in his family. We view that more of a man than a man who goes out, tries different things. It doesn't work. He doesn't stay there, he's filling his cup. He's providing and protecting for himself first so that his family is protected and provided for. That's the real man and we've changed it up.

Speaker 2: 28:46

So it's sad, because that's why men are putting guns to their heads or ropes around their necks, taking pills or slicing their wrists, because of all this unnecessary pressure that we put on ourselves to try to provide and protect while on fumes. We're tired, but we can't quit because we got people looking at us, depending on us. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming to where it's easier. Or you think it's easier to not be here, to not burden your family or friends, to make their life easier, because you feel that you're making their life hard by just existing, because there is no meaning, there is no purpose. You don't see yourself beyond how society sees you.

Speaker 2: 29:31

And if we are allowing. If you are allowing society to judge you as a man, you are in a world of hurt because they don't know what it is. And then I want to challenge you to find one thing that you'll hold yourself accountable for this week. Reach out to a friend, reach out to me, reach out to family members, reach out to somebody. With that one thing you want to be held accountable for this week and hold yourself accountable. Begin to build that resilience through your discipline of making tougher decisions and choices that will benefit you in the long run. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome. You're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up. This world does not get easier, but you will get stronger. You have a blessed day and have a great week. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1: 30:28

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and for daily motivational and up-to-date content. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember keep moving forward, never give up and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time, thank you.