Excellence Above Talent Podcast
The State of Man Is in Crisis—It’s Time for a Conversation.
The Excellence Above Talent podcast was born from pain, loss, and a deep need for change.
- Men are 3.6 times more likely to die by suicide than women.
- Men commit the majority of violence in the U.S., including domestic abuse and sexual assault.
- 90% of the prison population consists of men.
These are not just statistics—they represent broken families, lost lives, and a cycle of harm and abuse that must end.
As a BIPP (Batterer’s Intervention and Prevention Program) Director for four years, I’ve had countless conversations with men—men who believed abuse was necessary, men who didn’t even realize they were abusers. What I learned is that men want to talk, but they have no safe space to do so.
Society teaches men to suppress their struggles, to avoid vulnerability, and to uphold a toxic version of manhood. But silence is destroying us.
The Excellence Above Talent podcast is here to challenge the status quo. We’re redefining what it means to be a man—one conversation at a time.
Join me. Let’s fight for the future of manhood. Our sons are watching.
#ExcellenceAboveTalent #MensMentalHealth #RedefiningManhood #BreakTheCycle
Excellence Above Talent Podcast
Finding Your Purpose Beyond the Paycheck
Youth Pastor Branden shares insights on modern manhood, challenging cultural definitions and exploring how men can balance strength with emotional intelligence in today's world.
• Being a man has become culturally defined rather than universally understood
• Essential life skills include communication, confrontation, and problem-solving
• Finding purpose beyond work and status involves discovering meaning in relationships
• Vulnerability is critical to being heard and understood in relationships
• Men face significant anxiety from unrealistic expectations at young ages
• Emotional intelligence is often missing from conversations about masculinity
• Healthy male friendships require accountability and willingness to receive feedback
• Leadership in relationships balances strength with service
• Healing from past experiences is essential to becoming a good father
• Making positive community impact requires intentional presence with younger generations
Creating a positive impact in our communities starts with intentionality and making time to mentor younger generations. Stop complaining about problems you aren't actively working to solve.
#excellenceabovetalent #EAT #dontgiveup #youdeservethebest #youareenough ...
You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.
Speaker 2:What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas, with Excellence Above Talent, here with Pastor Brandon. He is the youth pastor at Hope Alive Church. Like I said with Pastor Cliff and Pastor Andy, hope Alive Church is doing great things for this community. They're a church after God's own heart. They're trying to find ways and figure out ways to bring people to God. This is an awesome church, awesome people that are trying to make a difference in the community, and it's a privilege and a pleasure of having him on the podcast. This is the first one-on-one.
Speaker 3:One-on-one. Yes, First one-on-one, Because we did. We did one with Pastor Andy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, got you, so again we're talking about the state of manhood during this series. One-on-one yes, First one-on-one, Because we did one with Pastor Andy yeah, got you. So again, we're talking about the state of manhood during this series. The topics with questions will be identity and purpose, emotions and mental health, relationships and brotherhood, fatherhood and legacy, and then masculinity and society. So we'll just jump off into the first question what does it mean to be a man today, and how have that changed over time?
Speaker 3:Man- today, I think, in today's world, being a man, well, first of all, I think if you ask this question to 10 people, you'll get 10 different responses and.
Speaker 3:I'm sure you've experienced that already. A hundred percent You'll get. But, um, what I've seen in the past uh, five, six years of doing ministry and being around not only grown men but young men who are growing. Um, being a man in today's society, um, it's a lot of I'm gonna be honest man. What I've seen is it's just a lot of people I think men have identified as their work, especially in this specific area and in this community. Oh yeah, basin Gotcha. Yeah, what I've seen.
Speaker 3:When somebody thinks they become a man, it's because they've started to work, make their own money, do their own stuff. And I think over the years that's changed. Because I think at one point becoming a man meant I find a wife, I start a family, I have kids, I buy a home, and I think now, to be honest, you get 18 year olds that get some money in their pocket and they buy a big truck, and I think to them, this culture, that is what becoming a man is to them Got you. And I think that changes for every culture. I think every cult.
Speaker 3:If you go, you know, if you go four hours away in dallas, being a man becomes something different and I truly think that one of the things that it's changed is I think in the past, becoming a man was a general, overall, blanket thing, gotcha, and I think over time it's changed because it's changed with the culture that you live in, gotcha. If that makes sense, it does. I think that it just, you know, becoming a man in Odessa means something different than in Dallas. Yeah, then it's something in Houston. 20 years ago, I think, becoming a man meant the same thing everywhere. Yeah, providing.
Speaker 2:Providing, protecting, taking care, providing, protecting, taking care of your family. Do you think that's a good thing or a bad thing, or it's kind of like the nature of change.
Speaker 3:I think it's. I think, like a lot of things, I think it's something that can be used for good, but also it can poison a generation, gotcha. Because what happens, what I've seen happen, is maybe somebody becomes a man and I'm using quote, they can't a man. And I'm using quote, they can't see me, but I'm using air quotes, got you. They become a man in Odessa and then they move somewhere else, like Dallas, houston, maybe even out of Texas, yeah, and what made them a man here does not apply somewhere else, got you. And I think that that's where the fault is, because there's skills. You can't just learn skills based off of your area.
Speaker 2:Your environment.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you have to learn life skills that can translate anywhere in the world, and I think that becoming a man based on your community has almost hurt young men in today's day. Yeah, because it almost puts them in a box of their environment. And there's some kids who and here's the thing I know people who thrive working in the oil industry, but if they ever had to leave Odessa for some reason and they had to go out of the state, they would struggle because they don't have the life skills outside of the oil industry. Got you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally different perspective, totally different response. Yeah, totally different perspective, totally different response. So when you talk about life skills, what are some life skills you feel all young boys or men would benefit from living?
Speaker 3:this life, yeah. So I think, in all these life skills that I'm about to name off, I want to put a disclaimer out there. I'm not an expert in any of this. This is something that I say because I'm currently learning myself, but I think the art of communication not just speaking to somebody but truly communicating and there's questions about it as we get deeper but being vulnerable and actually you know, communicating face-to-face.
Speaker 3:We live in a generation when I do quintas for for young women, one of the things I tell them is to learn how to communicate face to face. We live in a world of cell phones, and so I think the art of communication is a life skill, gotcha. I think, um, the art of confrontation now, this is one that I struggle with. Yeah, I grew up very non-confrontational. Yeah, confrontation to me growing up, because of the way I was raised, is if you're being confronted, it means you're in trouble, means you did something wrong. So, as I grew up to be an adult, I still struggle with confrontation. But learning that, as I've taken a step out and tried my hardest to learn a new way of confrontation, that's one skill that I'm saying, man, you need this everywhere that you need to go. One skill that I'm saying, man, you need this everywhere that you need to go. Um.
Speaker 3:And then the, the skill of being a problem solver. I think is so important, especially for young men. Um, because life will forever throw you a set of problems and if you don't learn how to become a problem solver, you and every uh profession that I've done in construction and digital marketing and graphic design, and everything that I've done, I've had to train myself not to say I'm giving them a service. I've trained myself to say I'm giving them a solution to a problem, because if you're just service based, everything you do is service based you will expect some form of payment, gotcha. If you do everything based off of I'm trying to solve a problem, the payment, to your mind, is a solution to the problem, gotcha.
Speaker 2:If that makes sense, that does so when you talk about confrontation, yeah, that was one of the things I also struggled with until I realized we are in confrontation daily. Oh yeah, if it's not with ourselves, it's with brothers, sisters, mom, dad, it's at school, it's at work, it's with teachers. I just finally realized, man, I can't run from the weirdness of having to confront someone by having a conversation about how they're making me feel, or maybe even talking to myself was like that was a dumb way of doing it and things of that nature. So it is a. I think that's one of the most difficult ones, in my eyes, that you have to process, but I think that's a life skill that really would take you far, because confrontation will be around every, every corner I think, to confrontation.
Speaker 3:When it comes to it is at least one thing I've dealt with. The biggest reason that I've struggled with confrontation is because every room I've been in I've been the youngest person there, gotcha, and as a young man, yeah, in a room of older men need to, there's a sense of pride, yeah, and I almost feel I'm just gonna be. I feel inferior at times Just because purely my age. Not because I know less, not because I can walk into a room where I'm the smartest person.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But because I'm the youngest person, I struggle with confrontation in that aspect.
Speaker 2:That makes sense. That really does. Speaking of way off subject, I want to thank your parents. I don't know if you saw the Facebook post I put Me and Yanni went to K-Pop. Yeah, they told me, yeah, but then they paid for our dinner because the Eagles won a Super Bowl and they were trying to celebrate with me. Oh, okay, but I'm pretty sure he's not going to like the Eagles part of it. All right, so how can men find purpose beyond society's focus on status and wealth?
Speaker 3:Man, when I was reviewing these questions, I almost, for a lot of these, I tried to put myself in the situation. I tried to say, how did I find? For a lot of these, I try to put myself in the situation. I try to say, how did I find? And truly, one thing that I think we've lost sight of as a generation is the importance of, you know, relationship, intimate relationship, and marriage, not just relationships, but marriage.
Speaker 3:Gotcha, I was thinking back on this question specifically because, you know, when I was 17, 18, 19, and I had a five, six-year plan, I knew I was going to get out of school, I was going to do this, I was going to do that. I had a plan. I was going to make this much money by the age of 30. And for more reasons than just this, it didn't happen like that. God had a different plan. But one thing I realized as I grew up was status and money really wasn't the ultimate happiness, and I struggle with this daily because I work as a, as working in ministry. I just put it out there If anybody's listening and they're thinking of doing ministry because of the money find a different profession, same for teaching.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you don't do ministry for the money you don't. And I struggle daily because, especially us having our daughter, the daughter she's about to turn one Us having her I had this masculine sense to let my wife stay home and be a mom, but the paycheck from ministry didn't allow that and so, even to this day, I struggle with I can quit doing ministry right now and I can go make because I'm not pulling in 250 000 in the oil field. Yeah, um, and as a man, the my masculine, like what they would call your toxic masculinity, that makes me say you're not air quotes as well.
Speaker 2:Air quotes as well.
Speaker 1:Freaking hate. I hate that verbiage.
Speaker 3:But yeah, yeah but that thought process would tell me you need to quit doing ministry. And because, um, we're not, I'm not. I don't have the luxury of not looking at the bank account when we pay bills. I don't have the luxury of being able to go buy a brand new truck when it comes. I don't have the luxury of of doing all that like we're barely. But the thing I do have the luxury of is getting to see my family every day. Gotcha, getting to eat dinner with my wife and my daughter every single day, yeah, not having to worry about is she out there talking to someone else because I haven't been around.
Speaker 3:And so I think, purpose finding that purpose number one and I don't want to get too spiritual and churchy, but it truly is number one finding your purpose in God. I tell students all the time you were not created to grow up, graduate, pay bills and die. Everybody has a specific divine purpose for the kingdom, but then, finding somebody to do that purpose with you. I also believe you weren't called to have a purpose that you do on your own, maybe for a season of your life, and I'm sure you can attest there's a season of your life where you have to walk alone. You have to get close to God. But then, once you get to a certain point, there's a shift and now you have a family and you have a wife.
Speaker 3:And so I think finding that purpose number one, it starts with finding your purpose in God, knowing what the what the word says about you, how, how you were made, what it is. I mean, if you just look at the story of Adam and Eve, I think all the time of that Number one, god never let Adam stay alone. Yeah, he just did it. He knew he couldn't do it alone. I let Adam stay alone. He just did it. He knew he couldn't do it alone. I can't, I cannot live this. When I was single, I didn't have a dining room table. I ate on my couch. I had a metal bed frame. I mean, I had a TV. That's it.
Speaker 2:That was my bed. We have a bean bag in my office.
Speaker 3:That's what I stayed on and you know what it worked for that season of my life? We did, yeah. But when I found my wife, yeah, I walked in one day and I had a dressers. Yeah, I had a dining room table stuff and it was nice and neat. I had decorations. I had never had decorations in my life and yeah pictures and yeah all that stuff.
Speaker 3:When I was single, my purpose was to live and to work and to grow closer to God, yeah, um, and to have my apartment was just a place to sleep, gotcha. When I was married, my purpose was to have a home that I get to go home to every day and look forward to being there. Now I'm such a. Before I met my wife, I was doing something every day, yeah, not even bad things. I was at the church, I was with friends, I was working out, I was working.
Speaker 3:Now I'm a homebody, yeah, because we've cultivated a home and I've shifted my identity and what I make, what I own like materialistic things. I've shifted it from that to. I have a happy marriage. Yeah, I have a healthy, that to. I have a happy marriage. Yeah, I have a healthy daughter. I have a home. It's not the biggest home, yeah, but I have one, yeah, and so I think that's when it comes to purpose. It comes in finding Now don't hear what I'm not saying Don't just go marry the first person you see, please, don't. You need to go through processes and date and make sure that they have good morals and stuff but I think we've lost the art of finding love and finding a wife, a true wife.
Speaker 2:So I asked Pastor Andy this question the phrase happy wife, happy life, how do you feel about that phrase?
Speaker 3:So I mean, now I'm very new, pastor Andy's been married 20 years, yeah, uh, and I'm I'm just barely a couple years in gotcha. So honestly, in the beginning that was my thing happy wife, happy life. Yeah. But I really very quickly found out, sometimes making her happy makes me unhappy, gotcha, and that's where some of these life skills and the communication, the confrontation, because at some point I'm just going to be honest the best way to keep the peace is to have an uncomfortable conversation, 100%. This past weekend we attended a marriage conference and one of the days really provoked a lot of emotional conversation. And I'll tell you one thing Neither of us were happy having that conversation, but we were closer when the conversation ended.
Speaker 3:Gotcha and I've had conversations with her where I make her happy but deep down inside I start to almost resent her, gotcha. And then it puts you in a position Happy wife, happy life puts you in a position where you start to resent somebody Because they're not listening to, something you're not saying. And I would, I'd have all these feelings and say man, in my head. I would say, man, I feel like this, I feel unheard, I feel unseen, I feel unloved, and then I'd be mad at her because I think to myself she doesn't see me, she doesn't hear me, she doesn't love me, when in reality I never told her how I felt, yeah. And so I think there is some truth to happy wife, happy life, yeah. But I think there's not a fun, rhyming way to say it, but I think having uncomfortable conversations cultivates the happiest times of your life Gotcha.
Speaker 2:So that's me personally. I hate the phrase, yeah, because as a man, if you're the leader of the household and you're not happy, there's no one in the household that's going to be happy and so you're kind of skipping over the guy and going straight to the woman and make her happy and the guy suffered from that, because making her happy sometimes you lose yourself in that process, and Path to Ending said something about you have to be selfish, and I mean I think that there's some truth to it. I can't fill anybody's cup if I'm running on empty. The phrase, you know, has been passed down and I, you know I was a believer of it until I realized like I am miserable trying to to cultivate and create happiness within her and that's not even a job.
Speaker 2:I can't make anyone happy no, that's that's a her deal, not a me deal. I can just show up and kind of do the best that I can, you know, while I'm so. How does vulnerability fit into true masculinity?
Speaker 3:So I've learned that vulnerability fits in because, truly, it's easy to act tough. Oh yeah, it's so. I mean, when I tell you, before I met my wife, before I met my wife, and I was hanging out with my friends and you know, everybody has their little party phase.
Speaker 3:We'd go out and we'd have dinner and we'd have a couple of drinks, the easiest part was to act tough. And when I tell you I'd walk out and we'd have dinner and we'd have a couple drinks, the easiest part was to act tough. And when I tell you I'd walk around and be like I wish somebody would. Yeah like I don't know like I got to a point where it's a man thing I wish somebody would look at me I wish they'd bump into me and not say sorry, I promise, yes, yes, yes, um, those things were easy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the hardest, one of the hardest things that I've ever, ever, ever done was, um, me and my wife were having a conversation and we were having an argument. Truly right, when the baby was born and it was, it was. It was a pretty heated argument, but some backstory. I've always grown up and I was going to talk about this too at some point. I've always grown up like my wife is my number one outside of my children.
Speaker 3:I love my children, but I love my wife more, and I told her that she came from a household where that wasn't the case, where her mom put her kids before her husband, and so at one point I had to literally break, and I mean I was crying like breaking down, crying because she made it known to me and it wasn't out of ill intention. Yeah, she just told me she's not, she's learning and she's not wired like that right now. And it says you.
Speaker 2:Sometimes we can't get mad at people for for what they know and how they were raised Like you have. There has to be a level of grace and understanding when it comes to that.
Speaker 3:So yeah, and I told her, I said, and I was thankful that she's even making the effort and she's come such a long way since then, in eight short months. But my first instinct was to get mad, to get angry and to yell Because I think, as men, that is our. It's like a cop-out.
Speaker 1:That's what men are, first thing we do.
Speaker 3:Be tough, but she saw me the most and she saw what I was saying the most when I broke down and started crying about it, yeah, and I had to be open, I had to tell her that, like I've never said something, but I told her, I said that breaks my heart and I'm in tears saying it breaks my heart to feel like I'm unloved the way I love you, and it was the scariest moment of my life 100%. Scariest moment of my life 100 because I think, when it comes to being vulnerable as men, we have this, at least I have this idea that when I'm vulnerable, you know, and I'll be honest, culture's made it bad, yeah, where girls are like I saw him cry, that gave me the ick, yeah, or that turned me off, yeah or he's a punk or I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't. He's too in tune with his emotions. He can't save me if something bad happens.
Speaker 3:I think that that's something that culture has just made men even become less vulnerable. Yeah, but it wasn't until that I broke down crying that she was able to sit and understand the pain that it took me through. I think, as a man, if you want to be heard, you have to be vulnerable. No one hears you while you're screaming. Nobody will ever hear you when you're screaming yeah, when I think of it, when the baby was first born, even now, and she gets into her life like really heavily crying, like she's really, and she needs her pacifier. I don't care what I do If she's screaming at the top of her lungs and I try to put her past her and she's pushing my hands away and screaming even more. It's the second that I let her calm down and let her be seen that she's crying. Yeah, then I can comfort her. Yeah, and I don't think we've.
Speaker 3:I don't think as people, we've grown out of that. I think we've gotten older, we've learned how to talk, gotcha, but when you're at the height of your anger, your sadness, and you're screaming and you're yelling, there's not. They can say everything right, and you still won't hear. And I think that's why men, at times, they get to a point where they feel unseen and unloved. And I'm not saying by any means that it's their fault, yeah, what I am saying is we have to make intentional effort to be vulnerable. And now, if you're vulnerable and you still feel unseen and unloved, it's a whole different conversation.
Speaker 3:But if you can't even take the first step to be vulnerable, then I almost have a feeling that you shouldn't be complaining that you're unheard.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so it's hard to say but it's something that it's real man.
Speaker 2:So I'm a big believer in you are the creator of your atmosphere, yeah. So in your home, at work, at school, at church, wherever you're at, you are the creator of your atmosphere, yeah, and you cannot change the atmosphere around you, but you can control the atmosphere that you have, that you come into. You can control your house atmosphere and things of that nature that you come into. You can't control your house atmosphere and things of that nature. And I think it's super important when you said if you're screaming and then everyone else is starting to panic or starting to feel some type of way, and then when you come down and everyone else is still on high alert, you can't get upset, anger or mad, because it was the atmosphere that you created that then started this downward spiral that you now have to do some work, a lot more work to try to fix than just to like, blow off and be like well they'll get over it when they get over it.
Speaker 3:Things like that. They're simple to hear and simple to understand, but they're hard to do 100%, and I think we've mixed up the terms simple and easy gotcha. Things can be simple. That doesn't make them easy, for sure, so yeah learn.
Speaker 2:Trying to learn who you are is, should, is a simple thing to do, but it is one of the hardest things to do at the same time.
Speaker 2:Yes, because, you have, you have every, you have books and you have videos and you have people and it's like, well, this, go with this, go go with them. But then I go with them. I'm like I don't like none of this shit. I'm seeing in here like this dude is messed up, he is, he is a monster, he's thinking about crazy things. I don't want to go with them. So then I I jump back out. I'm like, no, I'm good, but yeah, it's a. Yeah, it's simple as going within and having a conversation, but that conversation is very difficult.
Speaker 3:Very difficult.
Speaker 2:All right, so, switching gears, we'll go into emotions and mental health. Why is emotional intelligence often left out of the conversation about manhood?
Speaker 3:I think it kind of goes back to what we were talking about and just the culture of being a man. Honestly, this is one of the things. It's why I said that changing like the man, like the definition of being a man, changing isn't necessarily always bad, because I think since the beginning of time, being a man had nothing to do with intelligence. No, it had all to do with work ethic. Yeah, it had to do with providing. Yeah, it had to do with providing, yeah, and it had to do with.
Speaker 3:I grew up in a family where sort of like the happy wife, happy life thing, where I was told, as long as everybody else in the house is okay, it doesn't matter, gotcha. That I would get told you do everything you can to make everybody else happy, gotcha, you do everything else to make everybody else happy. You do everything else to make everybody else feel loved and comforted and supported and assured. But I never had a conversation that said evaluate how you feel, include yourself in that, and I think you kind of hit the nail right on the head that if you're the leader of your household and you're emotionally unintelligent, yeah, your whole household will just be unemotional, emotionally unintelligent, yeah. And so I think it's left out number one because it's just because I think you just need to provide and be a man and suck it up yeah I also think it's left out because it's.
Speaker 3:I think some, a lot of men don't understand it and as men, I think we're wired to only do things and pursue things that we understand.
Speaker 2:Or we're wired to do things that doesn't make us seem weak, so emotionally intelligent weak. I'm doing the opposite, which it clashes and makes it a lot harder.
Speaker 3:I've never grown up I mean here, recently it's gotten better just in the world but I've never grown up. I only ever saw fathers as not just my father but other people's fathers. Yeah, Upset, yeah and happy. Yeah, Mad and happy, that's it.
Speaker 2:And crying on occasions, whenever they you know, crying on occasion when somebody passes away.
Speaker 3:They get something Upset. But it's upset. You're either frustrated and mad or you're happy, nothing else. And then what happens is I only ever saw mothers as emotionally stressed out and happy Like none of it ever. Like I didn't even know all the emotions you could feel, because I thought as a man it was either you're happy or you're mad, not sad, not depressed, not anxious, not none of that Happy and sad.
Speaker 3:And I think what happens is there's a generation growing up older than me and even older than you that they're realizing mental health issues are real, yeah, and they're realizing you can run from it all you want, but one day it's gonna, it's gonna catch up to you and there's no hiding. And so I think it's left out purely out of fear. To be 100% honest, I think they're just scared to talk about it and it's almost like that's tomorrow's issue. It's almost. My dad told me this analogy once and he said that it was really about situations and being upset. But it's the same thing here, where there's a rug on the floor, you're sweeping up, and you're sweeping and you start brushing stuff under the rug. Well, at first it's not that big of a deal. In the beginning stages of your manhood, maybe emotional intelligence isn't. You know, you're still man, you're not fully developed.
Speaker 2:You're trying to figure it out.
Speaker 3:Young men are normally just pretty happy yeah. But over time you just brush that off and brush it off. Before you know it, there's a pile of dust under this rug, yeah. And before you know it, now it's a tripping hazard, yeah. And one day you're going to fall and you're going to be on the floor and you're going to say what, how did this even happen? Yeah, and it's because 10 years ago your father or your, they didn't even bother.
Speaker 3:And now there's generations worth of emotions weighing on you, yeah and sure and I think it's down. I think it's unfair for a generation now to be responsible for the past generations. Um, emotional irresponsibility got you. I think that's so. I think that's wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I, I think it's super important, important when you're talking about understanding how to find love and the importance of it. And if you're an emotional, intelligent guy and you and you open up to the wrong person, that could also do damage as well. Because if I'm opening and I'm telling you like hey, this my feeling, that's what I need, it's what I want, um, and you change the narrative and it becomes about, uh, you and about you know your feelings and you know what I'm not doing for you. Um, that definitely will, uh, just kill the point of like, well, what, what's the point of me opening up to her when she's not gonna, she's not gonna understand? I'll try to understand. So now I'm just gonna be quiet and just, do you know, go back to like the mindless, you know, provide, protect, keep my mouth shut, don't say anything, which is also dangerous as well.
Speaker 3:I think we fall into the trap, especially in this, in this environment, the west texas environment, yeah, where and I'm not, this isn't obviously this is a manhood podcast and I'm not going to speak on womanhood and stuff, but there's people out there and there's women out there who they marry for the money, yeah, and they don't want someone who's emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 1:They don't want someone who's even present.
Speaker 3:They want someone to fund their wallets, they want someone to fund their shopping. And I had a conversation with somebody who literally just went through that and that right there.
Speaker 2:That's not love. I don't care what they say, that is the opposite of love. Facts, facts. So what are the biggest mental health struggles men face? And I would also ask what are the biggest mental health struggles you face? And I would also ask what are the biggest mental health struggles you face and then why are they often?
Speaker 3:overlooked. I think one of the biggest ones that people don't realize is that men struggle with anxiety a ton. Oh yeah, and that's even me personally. And again, that's because we live in a place where you have been put to a standard that sometimes is unrealistic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, I think especially.
Speaker 3:You know what 18 year old kid knows what they want to do with their life. Yeah, and as a woman, I'm not saying that they don't, that you don't have to. They still put that standard on women. But you know it's also go find a husband. They can. And again, that's the culture. As a man at 18, it's it's more normal to find a 20 year old, 21 year old woman who still lives with their parents yeah, and it's normal and I think it's 100 okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but you find a 21 year old man who still lives with his parents because he wants to save money, and now he's a bum. He doesn't have any priorities. He's less than a man. He's less than a man and I think men have been put to this standard. That can be unrealistic, yeah, and I don't think that's fair, gotcha. I think the age of, I think 18 years old is not. When I was 18, and I was 18 not too long ago yeah, I'm barely scratching the surface of learning to figure out life at 24. Yeah, so to put all this pressure on an 18-year-old and then wonder why they deal with anxiety and then wonder why they start to um, pop pills and drink.
Speaker 3:Find ways to cope with the issues of life, yeah and and you wonder why they go down the wrong path? Well, because you're putting an expectation on them that what? No kid should ever go through that, yeah for sure. Like they're barely learning how to be a person and you expect them to move out, get a job, be financially. I think that's ridiculous, and so that's probably one of the biggest ones that not only I see in other people. But I've dealt with Gotcha. I mean, I was 19 and I lived with my parents and even me.
Speaker 3:Nobody told me this but I felt like a failure. Yeah, I said how am I, almost 20 years old and still living with my mom? And this is because you know, culture put that on me.
Speaker 2:They said you have to be out of the house and the average age of a man to mature is 43. Really 43. I did not know that that's crazy the average age of a man to mature. So I got a couple more years before I could finally mature. That's crazy. But yeah, it's 40, 30. I think women is 32. They mature a little bit quicker than we do, but with me saying that giving us some time to figure it out would make us a lot stronger in life, versus just kicking us out and saying go and take care of it, I think men could go so much further if they were just given just the smallest amount more of grace yeah, for their life, yeah grace to say, hey, you don't have to have it all figured out right now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we and and I don't know, and I don't know if it's because my crazy thing is, and it's one thing I've experienced is, the past generation went through the same exact thing, yet they haven't broken the standard yeah and I don't know if it's because they just need to be better than me, or or I believe in them more. They're strong. I don't know what that.
Speaker 2:I don't know what the motivation behind it is yeah, but they know how I made them, made them feel while going through it. So why would you want so? Now? That's my motivation. Whenever having conversation or talking to young boys, it's like I don't. I don't want young men, I don't want you to go down this same path I went down. It is not fun Mentally, it's draining. You lose yourself in this process and I don't want you doing that. So let's have the conversation and fix it now, versus waiting for you to mess up things and then trying to have the conversation.
Speaker 3:I think, going back just real quick, I think another life skill that needs to be learned is the skill to give people grace. Yeah, and to give them the same grace that you wish somebody gave you Facts Because it's difficult. Yeah, it's a very difficult. I just thought of it right now, just thinking about it. Grace is a life skill that will take you far, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, going on to relationships and brotherhood, what does a healthy relationship, male friendship, looks like, look like, and why do many men struggle to form deep connections?
Speaker 3:and I think a healthy male friendship looks like somebody who is willing to have the hard conversations and who is not only willing to that, but hold you accountable because, um, you can find, you can find a bunch of yes men in the world. Yeah, and those people you know, you could throw a rock and find someone who's gonna just, yeah, good idea. Yeah, it's hard to find somebody who's gonna say, hey, I think you're wrong. Yeah, I think that's the wrong way to do it. I think it's the wrong way.
Speaker 3:And I think it's so hard to find healthy friendships. Um number for two reasons. Number one, because as men, there's a mutual respect and we feel like if we held someone accountable, we're stepping on their toes. And number two, if you do run into somebody who rarely, like the rare type of person who would tell you what's true, your pride and your ego would get hurt and say what do you do? Who do you think you are? Yeah, I think we do this thing where, because my friends, my close friends, they're close to the same age as me and when they try to correct me on something, my first instinct is bro, you're not older than me. Ego.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's my ego saying no, no, no. Who are you to tell me?
Speaker 3:what to do and I think we need a huge ego check. Yeah, because at the end of the day, I don't think anybody a true friend doesn't do any of it out of ill intention. Yeah, they don't do it to hurt your feelings. They do it because they want to see you prosper. They want to see your marriage grow.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they want to see you stop being depressed and anxious, and it's just number one. If you're the person who doesn't want to step on someone's toes, I would encourage you, just say it. Yeah, one of two things is going to happen they're going to get offended or they're going to take it well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, if they get offended, you did all you could, yeah I tell people all the time as long as you do your part, if you apologize, if you tell them the truth, if you hold them, if you do your part and they still get offended, it's not your fault. Yeah, that's definitely on them. It that's, that's a personal thing that they need to deal with. Uh, but two, I would say you know it's again.
Speaker 1:It's a simple one, but it's hard. Lay your ego down. Yeah, you don't know everything you don't.
Speaker 3:And I think it's funny because I've realized the younger men are, the more they feel like they know everything. Yeah, and the older I've gotten, I've been like can somebody please tell me how hot somebody what am I supposed?
Speaker 2:to do. Please tell me how I did. What am I supposed to do? Please help me. And I think it's the more knowledge you gain, because, man, yeah, it's terrifying when you start to understand knowledge and you realize I don't know anything. Yep, I'm just barely scratching the surface of what I think I know because, you know, your eyes are open to it.
Speaker 3:You know all the craziness Having a child. Up until that point I was like, man, I'm gonna do it like this, I'm gonna do this, she's gonna, she's gonna learn how to walk up by this agent. And then they handed her to me in the hospital and I said I don't, I don't know what to do with this, this human being that is now in my possession. Yeah, and I think when I was young, oh, I thought I had parenting and being a husband a lot. You knew everything.
Speaker 1:I was like no, no, no. I would see everybody else's marriages and be like I'm never going to be like that my kids would never be like that.
Speaker 3:And now I'm sitting there and I'm like my house is a mess. People are crying, we're arguing, but honestly, I think it's one of those things my mom told me all the time when I was growing up. You need to either listen to the wise counsel that God puts in your life or God's gonna humble you himself.
Speaker 3:And she always told me you don't want the second, you don't want the second one because God will do it to a place where you will break. Yeah, he won't let you fail, yeah, but he'll. He'll break you down pretty well, he'll break you down pretty well To let you know you cannot do it on your own, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's crazy that we sometimes think we can. So how can men balance strength and leadership with equality in a relationship so strength and leadership.
Speaker 3:I think the better of a leader you are, the more willing your wife would be to follow. Yeah, and so I think that looks like being strong in. Really, what I've learned is when you make a decision instead of asking yourself how is this going to go. I would compare it to what the word says about this decision Me and my wife talk about as parents for the first five months. Parent, if you haven't known. Parenting has changed me a lot, because this is everything where I get all the information.
Speaker 3:For the first four or five months. Every decision I asked myself was was this what my parents did? Because instinctively, I wanted to do the opposite? Yeah, but that doesn't the opposite of how I grew up, doesn't make it right, yeah, it just makes it my way, gotcha. And so to lead and to have strength is to number one. Sometimes there's things that I didn't like when my parents did it. Sometimes it takes some strength to say you know what they were right, yeah, and to say what does the Bible say about this situation? What does the Bible say about confrontation? What does it say about marriage? What does it say about parenting? What does it say about running a household? And so I think the balance between being strong and having leadership and the equality to it is also to make sure that you're serving your wife, gotcha.
Speaker 3:I agree with Pastor Andy that you should be selfish in a way, yeah, but also some decisions you make should be for the better of the household, 100%. And there's some decisions that I've had to make. For the marriage conference, when we went, that was the first time we ever left the baby alone with somebody else, yeah. But one day I came home and I said we're going to go to the marriage conference. I didn't ask the question. I said we're going to go to the marriage. I said it out of love. I said it nice.
Speaker 2:I wasn't like boom, we're going here. Yeah, you ain't got no choice.
Speaker 3:I came home and I said hey, we're going to go to the marriage conference. I said we have enough time, let's make a plan. And so, yeah, I've learned Having confidence changes everything in your life. Yeah, so if you lead with confidence and you lead. And the best way to have confidence is to know what the word says, to know the right thing. Then I'll be honest. There's no. This may be controversial In a marriage there is inequality.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you guys aren't equal. Yeah, you just you're not. Yeah, you lead, she submits. Yeah, you lead, she submits. Yeah, but in the same way, you serve the church. Jesus was the head of the church, yeah, but he still served, yeah, and so there's going to be times where you're going to make a decision that seems unfair to everybody else. But leadership says. I know you're upset about it right now.
Speaker 1:I know you don't like the idea of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but we're still going to do this. I trust me. I think trust goes into it too. If your wife trusts you and she loves you like she says she does, she'll be able to say okay may not be happy. May not like the decision, may have done it a different way, and so I think maybe it's controversial to this question, but I don't think there is equality in relationships, especially in marriage I think there is.
Speaker 3:There is a leader and there is somebody who holds the leader's arms up. Gotcha, they're not just following my life's, not my follower. Yeah, she does, she helps me. Yeah, and so it's almost like at the church. We have leads of departments and co-leads. Yeah, co-lead isn't leader junior. Yeah, the co-lead supports the leader's vision, yeah, the leader's decisions, and I think that's the same for relationships, gotcha.
Speaker 2:And that makes a lot of sense as well. All right, so fatherhood, we know you are a new father, yes, sir. So what makes a great father, and how can men heal from their own path to be better parents?
Speaker 3:Man. To be honest, I'd be lying if I sat here and said I knew what it took to make a great father. Yeah, I love my father to death I do, and I love my grandfather. I know I'm doing my best to be a good father. Yeah, but I don't 100% know what it takes to make a great father. What I'm doing is I'm doing my best to be a father that listens, that is stern and strong, but also emotionally intelligent, a father who can discipline their child and love them in an effective way. And so I can sit here and I'm just going to be straight up. I can sit here and give you all the attributes of what I think is a great father, but I can't. I can't tell you out of experience. I'm not an expert. I'm not an expert in fatherhood. I'm not an expert, and I've been in it for less than a year and so. But when it comes to healing from the past, I think from their past.
Speaker 3:I think it's what I said. Number one is to acknowledge that you went through something growing up. We didn't. We weren't poor, um, we weren't rich. We're about middle class. We weren't poor. If I wanted something, most of the time I got it. Yeah, my parents made me work for a lot of my stuff, but they showed me a good work ethic. Like I, we weren't poor, um.
Speaker 3:There wasn't physical abuse in my home that I saw. My parents argued in front of us quite a bit, but there was nothing physical. My mom wasn't getting beaten every day. We came from a, somebody from the outside looking into my home. They would say they have a pretty good life and honestly, I thought that. But there was a point in time where I saw attributes and I said you know what? There actually was some different stuff going on in my home that hurt me. Yeah, there was some emotional stuff. There was some different traumas. There was ways that they did it wrong and nothing against them. They did the best they could was what they had I was. I was their first born. Yeah, you know, when you make a pancake, the first one always comes out a little bit, a little bit weird. It's a little bit man. It still tastes good, but it doesn't look the best.
Speaker 2:The full, the first boy gets, gets the short end of that stick for sure, yeah, and so I never hold that against them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I never resent them for that um, but there was a point in time where I had to acknowledge that and that was the first step in healing from my past, because if I would have never acknowledged the issues I came from then I would just pass that on to my own marriage and my own parenting.
Speaker 2:So we'll do one more, okay. I'm kind of curious about this one. We'll do two more, okay. Pastor Andy took it to a different level, so I want to see where you would take it. Okay. How have feminism and gender equality reshaped what's expected of men?
Speaker 3:I think it's kind of to what I talked about earlier about relationships, and it's controversial to say, yeah, I understand. I think that they have restructured the way that the Bible deems marriage and life and household, because, at the end of the day, and if somebody gets mad, they can read the Bible and they can talk to God. But God made man first and so God made man first. Now, although some people may think first means better, first also means you hold a heavier load. Yeah, I want people. I hope people can start to learn that just because you came first. Um, I'm not a runner, so, but I'm sure pastor andy would agree, and if he doesn't, he can tell me. And then I sound dumb on the podcast, but but no one would know, because nobody would know we didn't fact check.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but somebody who's running a race, the person who comes first yeah, they put in the most work. Yeah, that's everything. The team that, the team that wins the championship they held the load heavier, like the eagles.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. I'm sorry you man, the way you, just you. I tried it, I tried to stay away from. That's why I went running.
Speaker 3:I went running for that reason, yeah, but then you came back to team, I did, I was like you know, because I knew I don't know running, so I had to do something. I didn't know, but truly so. God made man first, yeah, but God also gave Adam a heavier load. God gave Adam the responsibility to upkeep the land and to take care of the garden. Eve was called to help him. And so, when you put equality in the mix, yeah, oh, we're equals. Oh, you know, girls can do more than that same thing as guys. Yeah, girls can do the same thing as guys. Um, at that point, you're, you're mixing everything, you're mixing up god's plan. Yeah, and again, I do think that there's a way that women can be served and still be led. Yeah, that's, and I think that's another thing. I think feminism has been, uh, inequality has been this thing where we're oppressed yeah no, no, no, no.
Speaker 3:And again, another controversial part of that is the man's fault. Yeah, because, as men, you tell the man it's your job to lead and provide. Well, now the man thinks he's up here, superior, above. We're like this. I don't know why I keep doing this. There's no video here but you're very close to equal, but you're not equal there's a hierarchy.
Speaker 2:So you know Jesus, you know we're made in the image of Christ and we're serving and submitting to him and we're not on the same equal level. Yeah, and he created us first and he said go out there and be food for a multiplier. And so you know he made women. And then you know we're not. So I get what you're saying.
Speaker 3:And it's messed up, it's reshaped. What's expected of men?
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 3:Is because you're trying to put God's creation, that was called to lead, into submitting Gotcha, and it's the same thing in nature. If you find the leader of the pack and you try to get them to submit, they're not just going to submit, they're going to fight back. You have to make it, you have to Like if a wolf pack and somebody else wants to be leader, they want to be alpha, well they have to challenge who's there right now. And I think there's this thing where women want to be superior and I'm all for. I think some of the strongest people in my life are women, 100%. My mom is one of the strongest women I've ever met in my life, so I'm not trying to discredit women.
Speaker 2:But there is a push to make women stronger, like if you watch movies and TV shows and cartoons, and I get it to an extent. But it's like women can be strong, men can be strong, we both can be strong. You don't have to try to make someone be so weak and push them back and then build someone up to where, like, that's the standard, because it's not.
Speaker 3:I think, I do think too. I think men can't do it without women.
Speaker 2:Men can't do it without men.
Speaker 3:Yeah, 100% I think men can't do it without women. Men can't do it without men. I think a strong man is still weaker than a man and a woman together, and a strong woman is still weaker than a man, because that's how God created it. When God sent Adam and Eve out, there was a divine plan that he sent them out when they got banished after they ate the apple and all that stuff. And he sent them out.
Speaker 2:That's a whole nother story, cause they? But I mean, I get it, but then I can get.
Speaker 3:I can get men in that one too. I can 100%. I hate when men, that's another when men are like Eve did this.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no but you still walked up and you still have the authority to be like no, that's not what I'm doing. And you caved yeah Like that's also cowardly dude. You know what I mean, that's a whole nother story that is a whole nother story.
Speaker 3:But when he sent them out, he sent them out together, yeah, and he I I would almost say that God made it known. He said you broke your promise to me, but you will not break your promise to each other. You have to leave my garden, you have to leave my perfection, but you will be committed to each other. This covenant, that covenant, the covenant of man and woman, was still a covenant, even after sin. Yeah, and so I think, when it comes to, uh, the feminism and equality, I understand, I'll be the first to say I understand where the desire comes from 100 but I also don't think that there's an understanding of the weight that being a leader holds. Yeah, because you just it's, it's heavy, it's heavy, yeah and whether you can't give it to anyone else once.
Speaker 2:I mean like, as a man, I can't give it to anyone else. No, and I think that's why a lot of men put a gun to their head or, you know, drive fast and run off you know the the road. That's why men drink until they die, do drugs until they die, do drugs until they die because it's heavy and at some point, if you don't have a good support system or friends that are there for you, the burden just becomes too heavy in their eyes and they just want to take it away.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's one thing that I would tell anybody Unless you would take on the mantle and the weight of the mantle you shouldn't have it. God designed men to hold the weight God designed men, not only physically stronger. But I'll be honest and I keep saying it's a little bit controversial I think sometimes men deal with emotions differently because we're built to be stronger Men deal with emotions differently.
Speaker 3:Because we're built to be stronger. Yeah, we're built to be not as emotional, because you should be able to bear your emotion, yeah, and your wife's emotion, 100%, and your children's emotion, yeah, and this emotion. That's how men were wired, they're scared.
Speaker 2:I can't show that I'm scared. No, Because if I show I'm scared, then we're all, just then they are for real scared. I'm scared, then we're all, just then they are for real scared. And then now you know, you kind of lose some respect because I thought daddy was, you know this or that.
Speaker 3:There's a beautiful balance between because we just talked about being vulnerable there's a beautiful balance between being vulnerable and strong.
Speaker 3:It's okay to say, hey, I'm scared, yeah, 100%, but you still have to be strong and hold the weight of everybody else yeah me and my wife went through something tragic not too long ago, and her first, her first response to me was please don't try to be strong for me. And and as much as I talked about it today in a therapy session, but as much as I told her, her I wouldn't. Mentally and physically, I was wired to bear my emotion and also bear her emotion. It's just instilled in me. That's being a father, that's being a husband, it's instinct. It's instinct. It's not that women don't have that, it's that God didn't put that in women. I'm sorry to say that if somebody doesn't like that, but that's what it is. Gotcha. They just emotionally, physically, they cannot. Um, women deal with hormones in a different way. Yeah, and some ways. Now there are some ways that women can be stronger than men. A hundred percent, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:But it all works intertwined in a beautiful fashion got you all right. Last question how can men lead and make a positive impact in?
Speaker 3:their communities today. One way that I think men can lead and make a positive impact in their communities today is, kind of what I said a beautiful mixture of everything that we talked about yeah I think number one is being intentional in reaching a younger generation. I'm not going to say the next generation, because this is the generation They've outgrown, the whole next generation.
Speaker 1:This is the generation that's living now.
Speaker 3:This is the future of our businesses and our political stuff. But number one is being intentional and I think making time, budgeting time to be intentional and go out and be active in community and church and I don't care what that is, I'm not even just being I think everyone should go to church, yeah, find a home church, but I think that people need to just be active in their community. You can't make a difference in your community if you work 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Yeah, you just can't. It's physically impossible. And even if you do make some time to be on the community, you're tired. Yeah, you're not thinking straight, you don't know what's going on. You're not giving your best foot forward. You're not giving your best foot forward. Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's hypocritical to complain about a generation that we neglect 100% and I think that sometimes we fall into that trap. Yeah, and also to learn how to mentor a generation out of love yeah, I think a lot of people try to do this tough love thing.
Speaker 1:Times have changed.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I grew up on a tough love type of father, like he was tough on me, he was strict on me, but things have changed. That doesn't work with everybody now. I tell people all the time when, when I have like leaders trainings, I teach them about like conflict, like how to conflict resolution for a student, because you know it's inevitable kids gonna get mad, they're not gonna listen, they're gonna complain, whatever it may be. And a lot of the leaders they're older and their first instinct is to yell at the kid hey, da-da-da. I told them. I said you have to really stop and think because this generation is totally different.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:One of three things is going to happen They'll listen, they're going to break down crying or they're going to buck back. Yeah, and I know you've probably experienced the kids who they buck back. Yeah, but I've also experienced the same kids that buck back. Whenever you yell at them, I go up to them and talk with respect. Yeah, I say, hey, man, I really need you to help me out here. I'm asking you, please. They'll go. Yeah, I got you no worries.
Speaker 2:See, I do it the opposite way. I give them the hey at the very beginning. I let everybody know hey is, this, is the expectation of what we're going to be doing. So you can't get mad at me. Yeah, if I do raise my voice, because I've already gave you that expectation, yeah, and so you know I give them, you know they, they come in and try and I might raise my voice and they look at me and I'm like, yeah, the expectation, and I think that's just that.
Speaker 3:Open communication. Yeah, one way or another say hey, listen, here's what we're not gonna to do. Yeah, and if you do it, don't get freaked.
Speaker 2:I tell people.
Speaker 3:One of the biggest things that we do is when we do worship at youth. Nobody wants like a lot of the kids.
Speaker 3:They make it, they feel awkward, yeah, and so they always try to go use the restroom, and so what we've started doing is, right before worship, we use the restroom you cannot use. Well, I told you. I said gotcha. I said we have 15, 20 minutes, yeah, hold it for that. I said then you can go. And then I tell him. I say, and don't get mad if you try to go and we tell you no, because I'm telling you right now, yeah, you cannot go. Yeah, and so I think, just making an impact and doing that thing, it takes some open communication. Yeah, it takes some true vulnerability, but overall it takes intentional effort. Yeah, you can have all the ingredients and if you don't put in an effort, you won't make a difference. Yeah, and you won't leave any type of legacy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, man, so 24 years old. Yeah, yes, sir Left a lot of nuggets in this podcast. I can't wait to go back and listen to it. It also just goes to show you that you don't need age to have wisdom. There was a lot of wisdom dropped by Pastor Brandon and his 24-year-old self. Let's just know he's lived life, understanding and trying to figure it out, and that's the beautiful thing. That also shows that there's mentors in his life that have helped him along the way. And to be 24 and to speak the way you have spoken of leaving an impact and having good men in your life that can help show you and lead you down a different path than most 24-year-olds.
Speaker 3:Because I can tell you right now, most 24-year-olds aren't in a mind space of thinking the way you're thinking, and that's a beautiful thing, I would be a huge advocate, for obviously I'm an advocate for youth ministry, but I'm a huge advocate for father figures outside of your own family.
Speaker 2:I grew up with a father.
Speaker 3:My father taught me a lot of things, but if it wasn't for people like Pastor Cliff I have an old youth pastor who lives in Michigan, pastor Trenton Harold. There's a pastor here in Midland, Pastor Carlos Rodriguez those are men who, every single one of them at one point in my time, had a huge influence on my life, and it was men. I've had a lot of women who influenced my life, but I remember everything from the men, and so I would agree and I'd echo that finding somebody who loves you enough to have hard conversations, who loves you enough to mentor you and push you in the right direction, is important, because I can't take credit for anything that I've said, learned or done. It's all because of the things that they've taught me and what I've seen and, honestly, dude, that's a testament of their vulnerability, because I've seen all three of those men in a state where some would say they failed, but I saw it as a redemption story and I saw them dig themselves out of a hole, all three of them at one point.
Speaker 2:Awesome, so cool. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome. You're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you get stronger. Bye-bye, I wouldn't have a good week thank you for listening.
Speaker 1:Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and for daily motivational and up-to-date content. Follow us on facebook and instagram. At excellence above talent. And remember. Remember, keep moving forward, never give up and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time you
