Are You Killing Yourself to Keep Everyone Else Alive?

We challenge the dangerous myth that men must sacrifice their mental health to care for their families. Sharing my own experience with suicidal thoughts from trying to be everyone's hero while neglecting myself, we explore how this common pattern leads men to silent suffering and self-destruction.

• Men often operate under a false hero complex, believing self-neglect equals strength
• Over 75% of US suicides are men, with approximately 100 men taking their lives daily
• Mental burnout and emotional emptiness make you less effective as a husband and father
• Children need your emotional presence more than just financial provision
• Self-care is not weakness but strategic preparation for leadership
• Setting boundaries creates order and helps crush chaos in your life
• True leadership is earned through actions that make you worth following
• Balance between sacrifice and self-care is essential for sustainable family leadership

If your wife and kids got 100% of who you are right now, would it be enough? Check in with yourself. Schedule therapy, journal, exercise, or take just 30 minutes daily to recharge. The world doesn't get easier, but you will get stronger.

Chapters

• 0:00 Podcast Introduction
• 2:12 The Hero Complex That's Killing Men
• 8:16 Mental Health Crisis Among Men
• 12:53 Self-Care Is True Leadership
• 17:58 Leading Through Action, Not Words
• 21:30 Balancing Sacrifice and Self-Care
• 24:58 Call to Action: Check In With Yourself

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Speaker 2: 0:37

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas, with Excellence Above Talent, I'm going to give you a few one-liners. That's going to tell you what this podcast is going to be about this week. You cannot lead your family with a broken mind and an empty soul. A man who ignores his mental health isn't sacrificing. He's silently self-destructing. You are not your family's foundation if your own mind is crumbling beneath you. Providing without peace is like driving with no gas. You won't get far Before you take care of them. Make sure you are taking care of you, sure you are taking care of you.

Speaker 2: 1:29

These are things that the last two months I've really been having a conversation with myself about, because I'm seeing a lot of men on social media and out in the world say that they don't put themselves first, and I would say what if I told you that putting your wife and kids first might actually be hurting them? It's a complex that men have, that we have to take care of everybody, but that everybody does not include ourselves. I was married once and I had a family you know mom, sisters, nieces, nephews and I thought I needed to take care of everybody. My dad had left. I'm the oldest, so it was my job to make sure that my family was OK, while also taking care of this new family that I had, wasn't going to counseling, wasn't growing or trying to put myself first. I just dove into making sure everyone around me was good, to the point to where one day, I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger because it was so overwhelming. Head and pulled the trigger because it was so overwhelming. So overwhelming because I didn't know who I was as a person, as a man, and I felt that I was doing all the right things for everyone else and mentally broken. But you couldn't show that neither, because as a man you can't be weak.

Speaker 2: 3:03

So we in my first marriage started off in a deficit where I didn't feel enough as a person and as a man, I didn't have the belief in myself, insecure about everything. Was I doing enough? Could I do more? And that pressure got to me and I thought to myself one day it would be easier dead than to live like this. And it had nothing to do with my ex-wife or my family. I put this on myself. I did this to me because I thought that is what I needed to do as a man, and it broke me.

Speaker 2: 3:46

And I know there's all these guys that you know. They're so tough and oh, I'm just not who I am. I would never do that. But keep going down that path where you're taking care of everyone else and not taking care of yourself, and you'll find out. You might not put a gun to your head and pull the trigger. You might not put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, but you might go out with your friends and party or drink or do drugs or watch porn to get away. It's a form of a drug and that also creates issues and trauma that can lead you down this path of destruction.

Speaker 2: 4:31

So we're going to go over a few things that I feel why men sometimes feel the need to put themselves on a back burner to take care of everyone else. So I know for a fact I had this false hero complex and it's something that you learn at a young age where men are supposed to suffer, and I don't know if it's a societal thing, it also could be a cultural thing but that real man sacrifice everything. We show up, we give and we give and we give, and we don't expect nothing in return. We make this assumption, and we hear it all the time that self-neglect equals strength and, to me, the weakest men I know are the ones that don't pour into themselves, because at some point your frustration and anger about needing what you want is going to come out, and it always comes out on your wife and kids. Not another man, but the people that you have sworn to protect and love forever get the worst version of you because you're too busy trying to sacrifice for them. Your mindset can lead to emotional burnout, resentment and mental health breakdowns your mindset burnout, resentment and mental health breakdowns your mindset. That is why it is super important to take the time to take care of you, because if you're emotionally burnt out, how can you help your wife and kids? If you hold resentment towards your wife and kids, how can you be the best version of yourself? If you're broken down mentally, how can you be the best version of yourself? You cannot. But you're walking around here saying I provide and protect and I give them this and that and this and that, and they don't want for nothing. They do want for something. They want the man that they love to see them and love them back. And I feel sometimes we're so busy trying to be the hero in their story that we forget. In order to be the hero in their story, I have to be the hero for me first. I have to show up for me first.

Speaker 2: 6:40

Mental strength is foundational how a man's emotional and mental well-being directly affects his ability to lead, protect and provide. I don't understand where we got the notion that we don't need help, or it's a sign of weakness, because in order to lead, you need the help of others. In order to protect or provide, you still need the help of others. You're never going to leave this world not needing the help of the people around you. And how can you lead, provide and protect Broken? How can you lead, provide and protect when your cup is empty and you have nothing left to give but fumes, and those fumes are choking out your family and you think you're doing a great job because that's what society or your culture says, that's what you have to do and it's killing you on the inside.

Speaker 2: 7:43

So I'm going to share some stats and quotes about the suicide rates among men and how depression can manifest as anger or distance. So one in 10 men experience depression or anxiety, but less than half seek help. It's Mental Health America in 2023. Over 75% of suicides in the US are men Over 75%, so approximately 100 men by the end of today will commit suicide. 100 men will commit suicide. Today is June 5th, 2025. Today, because they don't feel enough, because they're trying to be the hero in everyone else's story except for their own, they're trying to lead, provide and protect on fumes Crazy.

Speaker 2: 8:37

In a 2021 study by the American Psychology Association found that fathers report similar or higher level of parenting related stress compared to mothers, but are less likely to talk about it. Yes, women tend to be the ones to get up and take care of the kids in the household, but as a man struggling or maybe you're living paycheck to paycheck and you're trying to take care of your family that can be a pressure within itself that only men who have gone through it feels is old women and they're tired and they want the help of men. And we're frustrated as men because she doesn't see the late nights of us worrying about how we can provide for this family. She doesn't see the pressure or the struggle that I am facing because I want to make sure my family has everything. It can be overwhelming, especially if you have someone in your life that doesn't see what you are trying to do and just tells you what you're not doing. It's heartbreaking. And then, as men, we don't go and have a conversation or talk to anybody. We just carry the weight and this burden by ourselves, and it's killing us a hundred men daily. It is thursday. By the end of this week, 400 men will have ended their lives from the pressures of this world, and no one's fucking talking about it.

Speaker 2: 10:25

According to a research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, emotional availability from fathers was a direct link to children's social, emotional development and partner satisfaction. Yes, money is important. Providing, protecting is important, but showing up your best version of yourself for your wife and kids helps develop your kids and helps create a satisfaction in your marriage with your partner. No one's talking about it. It's just the you got to be a man and put everybody else in front of you, so you work, work, work, work, work. Your kids and your wife have everything, but emotionally they're broken or bankrupt because they need you to show up in that area as well. So instead of working 80 hours a week 75, give them five hours of your time. Give yourself five hours of your time to work on you, to grow yourself and to be present in their lives, because money can only go so far. And then people start to need that emotional connection. Your kids need that. They need to see that daddy showed up and that he's present.

Speaker 2: 11:43

Burnout in Men a Harvard Business Review reported in 2021 that men in caretaking and leadership roles are experiencing a sharp increase in emotional exhaustion Again, but no one goes and seeks to help because they think if I'm asking for help, I am a failure as a man, versus if I'm asking for help, I'm at my wit's end and I need strength from others to boost my energy back up. We don't think that way. We think that asking for help means I am a failure as a man and you can't live or do anything in this world by yourself. It's just, it's simply not going to happen. And here we are trying to push through, thinking that this is what real men do, when pushing through creates a pressure, and that pressure can't be seen. And one day that pressure will explode and you'll find yourself doing things that you never thought you would do because you tried to push through. So we have to start rewriting the script. As men.

Speaker 2: 12:58

Self-care is leadership. Self-care is not weakness, it is wisdom. When a man takes care of his body, his mind, his spirit, he becomes more grounded, more present, more effective. That's leadership Women and kids would want to follow that man. You cannot lead a home, you cannot lead a team, you cannot lead in a community if you are constantly running on empty, if you have nothing left to give to anyone, including yourself. Leadership isn't just about providing financially or being physically present. It's about emotional stability, clear thinking and wise decision making. And it all starts with how you take care of yourself as a man. We should start thinking about self-care as a strategic preparation. So getting enough rest will help you lead in clarity. Going to a therapist or talking with a friend could help you listen better.

Speaker 2: 14:04

Setting boundaries as a man will benefit you, but if you have kids, they will also see that daddy is setting boundaries, and boundaries are okay. They are needed in life in order to live your best life. And if you protect your peace as a man, your household is protected because you're not running around doing all this crazy stuff. You're protecting your peace and the household is protected because you are in the peace that you should be in. And when I say the peace that you should be in, I'm not saying you're not working or you're not taking care of the things you gotta take care of, but know the things you've got to take care of. But you have set those boundaries on the inside and out and so when you walk in, there is order, and your wife and your kids and that people around you understand that there is order.

Speaker 2: 14:58

So there's a book by Dr Manny Arango it's a new book that he has out and it's called Crushing Chaos. And peace isn't what you need in order to crush your chaotic ways. It's a part of it. But in his book he says order is how you crush chaos, and a lot of men are living in chaos because there is no order in their home, there is no order in their spirit, there is no order mentally, there's just chaos all around him. There's just chaos all around him. And in order to crush your chaotic lifestyle or your chaotic ways, you have to bring those things into order. And a way to bring things into order is to set boundaries. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries.

Speaker 2: 15:58

Self-care as a man builds resilience. Resilience builds trust, and that is what real leadership is made of. If I see you, open and vulnerable, scared, but still pushing through, you're making the right decisions and choices for yourself. You show up daily. That builds trust and if a person can trust you, they can follow you. And we have an issue and I had it where, as a man, I'm supposed to lead, I'm the head of the household, you're supposed to follow me, and we're saying this to women and kids, but we're not doing anything worthwhile to be followed. You want to be the leader. You want to be the leader. You need to be the leader. You need to be the head of the household. It doesn't come with just words. You do it through action.

Speaker 2: 16:53

When we look at God in the Christian denomination field, looking at God and saying God is ahead of my life as a man, you're just not going to say God is ahead of my life as a man. You're just not going to say God is ahead of my life and not see God put in the work to become the head of my life. He has shown up and shown out on many instances. He sent his son to die for our sins, a brutal and horrible death. He has shown up for me in my life in multiple ways. So my goal and focus is to make sure that I'm following him, that I'm doing his will Because I trust him. There are a lot of men who haven't done the work, who haven't shown up for their family, who just made the assumption just to have a family but don't do any mental work in that process and then expect their family to just trust them to follow him. You have to lead your family through action and the actions just can't be working. You have to show up mentally and physically and emotionally. It just cannot be financially, because you can be a financial donor to your family but your family will not follow you because you're not worth following.

Speaker 2: 18:24

Leading yourself down this path of you know alcohol and partying and anger and punching holes in walls and you don't know how to communicate and talk. Who the fuck would follow someone who can't control their own selves? And then we get mad and try to blame our wife and kids for the fucked up situation that we put ourselves in, because we don't want to talk to anyone, we don't want to fix the ugly that's inside of us. So we create these families and we say follow me, and you turn around and they're not following you. And then you get angry and you want to blame your wife and kids Instead of looking in the mirror and saying I need to work on myself, I'm not worth following, I'm not even following me, I'm hiding behind porn, I'm hiding behind drugs, I'm hiding behind alcohol, I'm hiding behind chasing other women. And until you slow down and look at that man in the mirror and start working on him and be willing to be a person that you're willing to follow, then the people around you will also allow you to lead. And I'm not saying you're just going to run around and just only be about you and forget everyone else.

Speaker 2: 19:39

There's a balancing act that you have to do. I'm not going to work, I'm just going to take care of my mentally or emotionally. Take care of my family. Then your family ain't going to like you neither, because you're broke and they're hungry and they need to be fed physically, but also spiritually, mentally and emotionally. So there's a balancing act that you have to figure out. You have to balance sacrifice and self. You have to find a way to still honor you as a man, but also honor your family, and it could be the gym. It could be 30 minutes every day.

Speaker 2: 20:15

You get up, you read, you pray. It could be on your lunch break instead of hanging out with your buddies or eating with your buddies. You go find that quiet place and you eat and you work things out in your mind On your drive home. Turn off the radio, start reading a book, start processing your day and how you're going to come into your life and into your family's life, and help them out on your way home. You have to figure out your routines. One of the things that I have a hard time with is setting routines because I feel like they're boring. Waking up at a certain time every day, doing these things at a certain time every day, doing these things at a certain time every day. It's not boring, it's putting your life in order so that chaos doesn't reign your routines, your habits, your boundaries. They help keep chaos out of your life by you creating that order.

Speaker 2: 21:11

We, as men, have been living in survival mode since the beginning of time. The first human. We had to hunt for the food. Women and children gathered the food, the berries, the leaves, the things that we were going to eat, while the men went out there and hunted. We have been in survivor mode since the beginning of time and I think it's created by us Because when Cain killed Abel, there were two brothers One was thriving and one was surviving.

Speaker 2: 21:45

And if you break that story down, one was thriving because he was allowing God to lead. He would give God 10% of his best, allowing God's will to be done in his life. And God showed up for him. This could be found in Genesis 4, 1 through 6. Abel showed up mentally, stabled, prepared, had boundaries, had order. God see to him. God saw him and blessed him because he gave his best. Cain gave God what he think he thought God needed, or Cain gave God the things that he didn't want. He wanted to keep the beautiful things that he saw. And his offering was rejected. And instead of looking within and trying to figure out why this was going on, he took the outward appearance. So no accountability for Cain. He looked at his brother and he blamed him for it, and that blame turned into jealousy and anger. And the crazy part that a lot of men go through is God warned Cain that sin was crouching at his door.

Speaker 2: 22:59

You know, as a man, when you're going down these roads, these paths that you know are only going to lead to destruction and pain. You have that clarity. You know, if I keep picking up this bottle and drinking, what's going to happen and you still do it. Or if I keep popping over my phone and watching porn I know what path it leads me down. Or doing drugs, I know what path it leads me down. You have someone inside of you saying if you don't stop, destruction is coming.

Speaker 2: 23:38

But instead of mastering his emotions, instead of looking at himself in the mirror and working on himself, he lured his brother into a field and killed him. That is what you're doing to yourself. That is what you're doing to your family. What you're doing to yourself. That is what you're doing to your family. If you don't learn how to master your emotions, to talk things through, to understand that it's okay not to be okay sometimes, to understand that sometimes you need to lean on other people for support and help and help, you're not leaving this world doing it by yourself.

Speaker 2: 24:19

And the crazy part is, when God confronted Cain, he still took no accountability for his actions. Manhood requires accountability and jealousy is the enemy of brotherhood. And that's another podcast for another day as to why men can't be friends and have close relationships. Is it because of jealousy? Cain killed Abel, not because God rejected him, but because Cain couldn't handle the standards Abel upheld. Sometimes people don't hate you. They hate the mirror, your excellence put in front of them.

Speaker 2: 24:55

So my call of action for you today is to check in with yourself. If your wife and kids got 100% of who you are right now, would it be enough? And if you're saying it would not be enough, I challenge you to start writing things down in a journal to schedule that therapy appointment, to schedule that vacation, to go get that membership to that gym, to schedule 30 minutes for yourself each and every day. You have to, as a man, learn how to release and recharge, because it not only benefits you, it benefits the people around you that you truly love, that you would truly die for. So if anyone haven't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome. You're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you will get stronger. Y'all have a blessed weekend. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1: 26:02

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and for daily motivational and up-to-date content. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember keep moving forward, never give up and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time you