Owning The Truth About Abuse

The hardest part isn’t admitting what happened; it’s admitting why. We open up about how abuse forms long before it turns physical, in the quiet moments where insecurity, fear, and ego go unchallenged and entitlement takes the wheel. 

You’ll hear why reactions are still choices, how the victim mindset keeps men stuck, and why “she made me mad” is a lie that blocks growth. We talk frankly about the early signals we ignore, especially with boys learning to posture instead of communicate, and how schools and families can teach emotional literacy, boundary-setting, and accountability without shame. This isn’t about labeling men as monsters; it’s about giving men a process to become stronger, safer, and more honest—starting with the mirror and moving outward to the people we love.

Along the way, Aaron shares the cost of unowned behavior, what rebuilding trust actually looks like, and three reflection questions that can jump-start change today. If you’ve ever wondered how to stop the cycle—whether in yourself, your classroom, or your home—you’ll leave with a clear framework: pause, name the feeling, choose by values, repair with action, and stay accountable. Growth won’t come from comfort. It will come from courage, practice, and a community that tells you the truth.

If this conversation resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and answer one reflection question honestly. Your next decision can be different—what will you choose?

Chapters

• 0:00 Return And Teaching Struggles
• 1:46 From BIP Classes To A 24-Week Series
• 4:09 Early Seeds Of Abuse
• 6:12 Personal Accountability And Past Mistakes
• 8:31 Control, Choice, And Victim Mindset
• 11:20 Radical Honesty And Reflection
• 12:51 Three Questions And Closing Encouragement

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

SPEAKER_01: 0:33

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with excellence above talent. It has been a minute. I know I was wanting to be more consistent with my podcast, but goodness, being a school teacher, I don't think people understand unless you are a school teacher, how much draining it is to teach and coach a sport. So especially if you don't have like a a solid schedule or a plan, you're just kinda forced to figure things out on the fly. And that's something I'm working on as a man to be a better man is putting a schedule together and staying disciplined and focused enough to keep that schedule, no matter what's going on in life. I'm not there yet. I'm working towards it. And so that's just the beautiful thing about life and being a man or a person. You find things that make you weak, and you work on those things to be better for yourself, for your family, for the people around you. I used to teach a BIP class. BIP stands for Battering Batterer Intervention and Prevention Class. It was a 24-week program where men came in who were abusive, some form of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, financial, sexual. The court system deemed that there was abuse in the home and they needed this class for like a rehabilitation. And a lot of men came in angry and upset over actions that they did, over chaos that they created. And it was our job to sit with them through this process and have tough conversations about the importance of not being abusive or where did it come from. And a lot of times we don't know where it came from. We just know that we have this anger that is stored up inside of us and we explode. And we never explode on the people that we know or the people that are in our lives, but not in our lives that we live with every day. So people at work, uh, random people at the grocery store, we don't really explode on those people, but we will explode on our wife and our kids, or our mama or dad, or someone that, you know, knows us and loves us. And so we started to deep to dig deeper into where do we where does it start? And I am going to do a 24-week podcast series on why men become abusive and how we can change. Because I think it's super important to call out those things that make us weak as men, not to hold it over someone's head, but to push them to be better for themselves and their family. And we're going to go through phases. There's about four phases in this podcast series. Uh, and we're in the first phase, and the first phase is the importance of personal ownership and accountability. And the first topic in this 24-week series is the truth. Why men become abusive. Most men don't become abusive overnight. It starts quietly in how we think, how we talk, how we react. Abuse is the end result of choices we refuse to take responsibilities for. If a man never learns to deal with his insecurities, his fear, his ego, those things don't disappear. They turn into control, manipulation, and violence. Today, we stop lying to ourselves. Today, we deal with the truth. I am a seventh grade math teacher, and the disrespect I see are young boys showing the women that are teaching at the school how they treat girls, kind of put me on this trajectory of starting to have this conversation. You know, I call it out when I see it in them, but I it hit me like, man, this is this is how men become abusive. If we don't stop it before it starts, then a lot of these young boys who have insecurities, who have fear, and has the big ego, when they turn 18, 19, 20, that turns into control, manipulation, and violence. And we're, as a society, looking at young boys as toxic masculinity. These boys are toxic. But you can't call something toxic if there is no process to helping them learn the process of how to live a better life for themselves and the people around them. And I, as a man, have been abusive. It sucks to say. It makes me feel less than, but there were insecurities, there were fears, there were ego problems that I had that I never fixed, that I never looked in the mirror and tried to be accountable for the things that I was processing and the things that I was doing, that I was doing. And I I think, you know, I don't, I never blame or talk bad about my ex-wife because she was in this process of, you know, figuring out her life and learning, and I was as well. But there wasn't a a deep dive on how I was treating the people in my life or how I was treating her until maybe four or five years into the marriage. And I think at that time it was already too late. At that time I had already broken trust and and hurt her to where she couldn't see past or didn't want to see past, and you can't blame anyone for that. So you fight until you can't fight anymore. And I it has taken me a while to forgive myself and to move forward and be a better man for the people in my life. Am I perfect? Not even close. But now I can look in the mirror and try to figure out if things are going crazy or my mental is going down this path where I know it could be, it could lead to negative things. I slow down and have the conversation with myself first. I hold myself accountable. So, abuse doesn't begin with a punch or a shove. It begins with entitlement. It begins with the belief that your emotions, your frustrations, and your expectations matter more than the person you're with. Most abusive men aren't monsters. They're men who never learn how to manage their emotions, communicate honestly, or confront their insecurities. And because they don't want to face discomfort of change, they choose control. But let's call it what it is. Control is a choice. Manipulation is a choice, violence is a choice. Blaming someone for your actions is a choice. Not being accountable for your actions is a choice. When men says, she made me mad, he's lying. No one makes you do anything. Your emotions don't give you permission to harm someone. Your emotions don't give you permission to cuss someone out. Your emotions don't give you permission to go somewhere else and sleep with somebody else because you feel that your woman isn't giving you enough sex. Your emotions don't give you permission to do. And here's the hard part. Abusive men rarely see themselves as abusive. They see themselves as disrespected, unappreciated, pushed too far, or reacting. But reacting is still a choice. And I also want to say how much a lot of men walk around with this with this big chest and they puff up and they're like, I'm this and I'm that. But they rarely go and look in the mirror to see how their actions are viewed from the perspective of their wife or their kids or the person that they're with. So they don't look to see how they're making everyone else feels or feel. They look and see how it's making them feel. And if you're already insecure and you already have issues with fear and you already have issues with your ego, you're always going to be disrespected. You're always going to be the one that's the victim. And I believe that if you look at these issues that these young boys have and men have about manipulation and violence and blame and being disrespected and unappreciative and pushed too far, the one thing that stands out the most is they find a way to be the victim. And these are like, you know, big strong men, men that you would make the assumption like they had their lives together, but they're inside destroying themselves because it's it's everyone else's fault. So they're mad at their wife and their kids, and they find ways to take it out on them because they are the victims. Men, that man is a victim, and he doesn't want to hurt. So in order for him not to hurt, he has to hurt someone around him. It doesn't make him feel good, maybe at that time, but afterwards, there's more brokenness that he has to deal with for hurting people that he said he loves. The real reason men become abusive is because it feels easier than taking responsibility. It's easy to intimidate than to communicate. It's easier to blame than to self-reflect. But easy never makes you a better man. If you want to grow, the first step is honesty. Radical honesty. I mean, I told my story to everybody on Facebook. I think Facebook took it down. Someone might have reported it. Who who knows? Who knows? But that was my most viewed video talking about my marriage and crying and saying that I just wasn't a good person at that time. I was going through things and processing things, and I wanted to be a good person. And I started to look at myself in a mirror, and I realized that there were things that I had to have a deeper dive into to figure out why and what. And that sucked and it hurt. But it's crazy. I post videos and things, and I get a few likes and things of that nature. But when you're open and vulnerable and you're posting your business and um your hurt and your pain, the most views I've ever gotten from a video. And I'm not saying that in a negative or positive way. I'm just saying it in a way where it could be healing to some people, and some people just, you know, want it to be nosy and try to figure out what was going on. But that self-reflect part is very hard. If you want to grow, the first step is honesty. You have to be honest with yourself. The kind that strips away every excuse you've ever clung to. If a man wants to stop being abusive, he has to stop protecting his pride and start protecting his integrity. These are questions that if you're listening to my voice and you find yourself in a situation where you are abusive and you want to do better and you want to stop? These are reflection questions that'll help you look in that mirror and start to build on the things that you need to build on to make you a better man. Number one, when was the last time I blame someone else for my reaction? Number two, what insecurities or fear usually triggers my anger or control? And number three, if I stripped away all excuses, what truth about myself would be would hurt to admit? In your call of action, if you're ready to grow as a man and as a person, subscribe and share this episode and answer one reflection question, honestly. Not for me, but for the man you are trying to become, for yourself, for your wife, for your kids, for your community, and for the world. If anyone hasn't told you today they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome, you're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you get stronger. Y'all have a blessed weekend and see y'all next week.

SPEAKER_00: 13:52

Bye bye. Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.