You Can’t Change What You Refuse To Admit

We expose the seven common lies men tell themselves that protect ego and enable abuse, then show how accountability, consistency and humility rebuild trust. Practical reflections and clear next steps guide listeners to lead themselves before trying to lead at home.

• abuse begins with a story, not an outburst
• impact over intention as the true measure
• minimizing harm versus owning responsibility
• control and possessiveness are not care
• blaming others destroys accountability
• “this is just how I am” blocks growth
• apologies without change don’t rebuild trust
• isolation slows healing; support speeds growth
• practical reflection prompts for honest self-work

Share this episode with someone working on becoming a better man and answer the reflection questions honestly

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Mission
• 0:42 Why Abuse Starts With A Story
• 2:49 Lie 1: I’m Not Abusive
• 4:16 Lie 2: It Wasn’t A Big Deal
• 5:23 Lie 3: I React Because I Care
• 6:47 Lie 4: She Made Me Do It
• 7:51 Lie 5: This Is Just Who I Am
• 10:12 Lie 6: An Apology Is Enough
• 12:06 Lie 7: I Can Fix This Alone
• 13:20 Truth, Ego, And Real Leadership

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

SPEAKER_01: 0:36

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with Excellence Above Talent. We're still in phase one, episode four, and we're gonna be talking about the lies men tell themselves. Before a man ever hurts someone, he lies to himself. And those lies become the foundation for denial, control, manipulation, and abuse. Today's episode isn't blaming anyone else. It's about exposing the stories men tell themselves so they don't have to face the truth. And again, I have come up on come upon this knowledge in the past 10 years. Then it's been a struggle undoing the lies that I've told myself about myself, about the women in my life. And it's not easy trying to undo something that has been a part of you for most of your life. Even if there are lies, even if they potentially could destroy your life, could make your life hard, could make the lives of the people that's in your life difficult. There's still lies that you live by. And I want to have you come face to face with these lies. Sit in these lies that you have been telling yourself, and then stop telling yourself these lies. Most men think abuse starts with the moment of impact, the yelling, the intimidation, the emotional shutdown, the violence. But that is not where it starts. Abuse begins long before the behavior. It begins with a story. A story a man tells himself so he doesn't have to confront reality. And here's the hard truth. Every abusive pattern is protected by a lie. And if those lies don't get exposed, the behavior never changes. Because you can't fix what you refuse to admit exists. So let's break down the most common lies men tell themselves and destroy them one by one. Lie number one, I'm not abusive. Most men don't identify as abusive. They say, I just got angry. I'm passionate. Everyone argues, I don't hit anybody. But abuse isn't defined by your intention. It's defined by your impact. If someone feels unsafe around you, emotionally, physically, mentally, that's abuse. I'm gonna say it again. If someone feels unsafe around you, emotionally, physically, mentally, that is abuse. If someone walks on eggshell around you because they feel your reaction, that's abuse. It's not about what you meant, it's about what you created. And men, a lot of men, will be the first one to be like I'm the head of the household. But when you walk into the house, it is chaotic. And those same men that say I am the head of my household will be the same men trying to blame wife and kids for why the house is chaotic. Instead of looking in the mirror and saying, Because of who I am as a man, I have created this atmosphere for my house to be chaotic. You thought you lie to yourself by trying to blame others when you already had the buck stops with you. So whatever people feel when they walk into your house, that is the feeling that you as a man created. Lie number two, it wasn't that big of a deal. This lie minimizes harm. It sounds like I barely raised my voice, she overreacted. It isn't as bad as she's making it. Or I'm not screaming, this is what screaming is, and then proceed to scream loud so that you can protect yourself and show that person that their feelings don't matter because you're not screaming at them in the way that you assume screaming, but you're screaming at them because that's how they feel when you're talking loud or maybe even louder than you usually do. Minimizing behavior doesn't make it smaller, it just makes the responsibility smaller. And anytime a man needs to shrink the truth to protect his ego, he's already on dangerous grounds. Lie number three, I just react because I care. And that's a lie. Control is not caring. Anger is not love. Possessiveness is not protection. When a man uses emotional intensity to justify harmful behavior, what he's really protecting is fear. Fear of losing control, fear of being wrong, fear of not being enough. Love doesn't require domination, ego does. And a lot of the lies that men tell themselves, or that I've told myself, was built into my ego. I had to protect something that I thought was a part of me, but as I've gotten older, I've realized the ego is made up, and I make it up every single day. And at some point, if I want to stop hurting people, if I want to stop doing the things that create chaos in my life or in my household, I have to check that ego at the door. Lie number four, she made me act that way. This is one of the most destructive lies because it turns the abuser into the victim and the victim into the cause. It sounds like if she didn't talk like that, I wouldn't get angry. If she did what I asked, we wouldn't fight. She pushed me. No one controls your reaction but you. No one controls your reaction but you. The moment you blame another person for your choices, you've already abandoned accountability. And anything outside accountability feeds abuse. You have to be accountable for your actions, your words, because it matters. Lie number five. This is just how I am. This lie is the enemy of growth. It's the excuse of staying the same. It's the shield men use to avoid change. But listen closely. You were not born angry, you were not born controlling, you were not born distant or disconnected or explosive. You learn those behaviors, which mean you can unlearn them. And I think that's the hardest thing that for for men to understand. This anger, the manipulation, the possessiveness, uh trying to control isn't something you were born with. Something that happened over time. Maybe you got hurt in a relationship. Maybe you saw your mother and father in an abusive relationship. And so you assume it's normal. You assume yelling is normal. Being angry, punching holes in walls, not being able to control your emotions and feelings. It's normal because that's what you've seen most of your life. But you've only learned it because you've seen it. And if you're really trying to be better and do better, you're gonna have to sit in what was seen, work on yourself, so what is what what was seen can come out. And you're seeing things in a different way. And if you don't do that, you're always gonna be stuck in these in these patterns. And it sucks. I'll tell you that right now. You assume you're making headway, and then a trigger happens, and you blow up, and you made the assumption that you had fixed yourself and it was you would you was never gonna blow up again like that. And here you are doing the same thing you know you you don't need to do because you know it hurts the people in your life. Lie number six. I already apologized. That should be enough. Apologies do not replace accountability, they do not erase damage, they do not rebuild trust. Words without changed behavior are just manipulation with softer packaging. Healing requires consistency, not convenience. You can't be upset at someone after breaking their trust because you feel like you've done enough to regain their trust. And it's also just a selfish way of thinking. I've hurt you, but I've taken out the trash and I've bought you things and I've been knife to you for two months. You should be over it. And all your spouse or your kids need to see from you is consistency. They want a new normal from a dad, not screaming, yelling, hollering, being overly emotional, reacting, reactive. They want that, but they have to see you do it more than just a couple of times for them to really see that this is their new normal. Because again, you created this atmosphere, and now you have to go back and recreate an atmosphere that is more loving and kind, not reactive, doesn't yell, doesn't hurt. And that's gonna take time. And it's not gonna take as much time as you think it's gonna take. It's gonna take as much time as they need in order to move past the hurt and pain that they have felt in the presence of a man. Lie number seven, I can fix this on my own. Most men isolate because vulnerability feels threatening, but you can't heal in silence. You won't grow in secrecy. Real change requires support, accountability, honesty, and a willingness to face your patterns, not hide them. Growth isn't proof of weakness, it's evidence of maturity. The truth under every lie, if we strip every excuse, every minimization, every justification down to its core, all the lies point to the same fear. If I admit the truth, I have to change. And change means letting go of my ego, confronting my past, learning emotional regulations, acknowledging damage, becoming someone new. That takes humility, that takes courage, that takes ownership. The lies might protect your comfort, might protect your ego, might protect the mask that you try to show the world, but they destroy your relationships, your integrity, and your ability to lead yourself. And as a man, if you cannot lead yourself, why would your wife and kids follow you? They see you every single day, and they know that you can't lead yourself. You can't be emotionally mature. But then we get mad when they don't follow. When hell, you're not even following. You're creating chaos. The moment a man stops lying to himself is the moment transformation becomes possible. So here's the question. Will you keep repeating those lies to protect your pride, your ego, your so-called manhood? Or will you face the truth and become a better man? One step, one choice, one uncomfortable moment at a time. Because the lie keeps you the same. The truth builds you up. The reflection questions for this week. Number one, which lie in this episode felt the most uncomfortable? And why? Question two. When was the last time I minimized my behavior instead of taking full ownership? Number three, what truth about myself have I been avoiding? A call to action. Share this episode with someone working on becoming a better man and answer the reflection questions honestly. Growth starts with truth. So, if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You are awesome. You are amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up. The world does not get easier, but you will get stronger, my friend. Have a blessed weekend.

SPEAKER_00: 13:32

Bye-bye. Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAbove Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.