You Cannot Heal What You Broke Overnight

We explore how men rebuild trust and respect after emotional harm and why safety, not speed, must guide the process. We share practical steps to shift from demanding forgiveness to becoming dependable, predictable, and calm under pressure.

• how trust breaks through control, anger and shutdowns
• why apologies alone do not restore safety
• respect proven under pressure, not ease
• predictability and consistency as the core of repair
• owning impact instead of chasing comfort
• seeing partners and equals, not wins and losses
• becoming trustworthy through small repeated actions
• questions for reflection to guide weekly growth

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Remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage: Safety Over Fear
• 2:17 When Trust Breaks And Why It Hurts
• 3:35 Respect And Trust Are Earned Slowly
• 6:10 Predictability Builds Safety
• 8:58 Comfort Vs Damage: Owning The Impact
• 11:22 The Rebuild: Consistency And Boundaries
• 14:10 Seeing People As Partners, Not Wins

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

SPEAKER_01: 0:34

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with Access About Talent. We're back on, we're back on, we're back on. So last episode we were talking about power seeks fear, leadership creates safety, and coming into a home, being non-threatening as a man, finding ways to allow the people in your life to be open and to talk without them feeling like you're going to blow up or scream or get angry. And sometimes in this process, uh we're human, uh, we will get upset, we will blow up, we will get angry. And this episode talks about when we when we break that person's trust, your wife, your kids, the people around you, when you break their respect that they have for you, you have to rebuild it. And that rebuilding process is humbling because it's not your respect, it's not your trust, it's their respect and their trust that you have to rebuild within them. And so it's not about you, it's about them. And I think sometimes, you know, you feel I've done enough, so I should have that respect back, I should have that trust back, and it is not how that works. So you cannot demand respect, you cannot rush trust, both are earned slowly through consistency, humility, and changed behavior. Today's episode is about rebuilding what abuse, emotional or physical, destroys. And again, we're still talking about abuse. The way men can be abusive, it does not have to be physical. Um, if you go back episodes one through six, you can see ways men can be abusive. A lot of men want trust back immediately. It's funny because when I do something to my wife that makes her upset, and I realize crap, I shouldn't have done that, I go and apologize, and she's like, get away from me. Don't touch me. I don't want to be around you right now. Fine. But when something happens to me, to her, and she apologizes, it's in the media, like, okay, we're moving on. So there's a difference. Just because I as a man accept your apology and move on doesn't mean that your wife is going to do the same thing. You're gonna have to find ways to show her that you apologize, right? So a lot of men want trust back immediately. They apologize, they promise change, they might even cry. And when things don't go back to normal fast, they get frustrated. But here's the truth you can't heal something you broke overnight. I will say it again. You cannot heal something you broke overnight. Respect and trust are not reset by words, they are rebuilt through behavior over time. And the overtime isn't your time, it's overtime when they're ready, when you've done enough to garner that respect and trust back. Respect is shown under pressure. It isn't how you treat someone when they're good. Respect is how you treat someone when you're angry, when you feel disrespected, when you're stressed, and when you don't get your way. And that's something that I'm working on because when my emotions get high, um, it's a 50-50 for me right now. I might find a way to to woo-saw and calm down, or I'm gonna say something or do something, or, you know, not be the kind of man that I know I should and can be. And so it's still a daily process that I'm going through as well. I'm not talking about this stuff because I'm just above it. I'm talking about it because there's a process and I'm still going through some of these, you know, uh abusive behaviors that I've had that I now want to get away from because I know it doesn't help me or the people in my life. Trust is built through predictability. When someone has experienced abusive behavior, they need most what they need most is consistency. They need to know you won't explode. They need to know you won't manipulate. They need to know you won't shut down. They need to know you won't punish emotionally, they need to know you won't flip blame. Trust is built when your reaction becomes predictable in a healthy way. Not perfect, but controlled. And we're gonna go back to why men get impatient when they did something and the other person has to heal. A lot of men feel like, I said sorry, I am trying. Why can't we move on from this? But the mindset that that man has, that you and I have, is centered around comfort instead of the damage done. So I'm not looking at what I did. I know what I did was wrong. I'm sorry, let's move on. That's the easy way. But healing isn't fast. It's about how safe the other person feels over time. You created it. Now you have to sit in it and work through it with your spouse or your kids or the community. Here's what rebuilding trust really looks like showing up consistently, controlling reactions, communicating calmly, being transparent, following through. If you say you're gonna do something, do it. Accepting accountability without defensiveness, respecting boundaries, not rushing forgiveness. Trust is built in small moments, repeated over and over. I think a lot of times we get we get caught up on the over and over part. I've done small moments, from now on let's get past it. As a man who is trying to rebuild trust and respect, you don't get to set the timeline. One of the hardest truths for men to accept, you don't get to decide how long healing takes. The person who was hurt sets the pace. Your job is to show growth, not demand progress. Respect begins with how you see others. So a lot of times you're you hurt someone, maybe because you don't respect them, and you know is wrong. So you're trying to find a way to regain that respect and trust from that hurt that you have caused. But a lot of times respect begins with how you see others. Abusive behavior often comes from seeing people as something to control, something to win, something to manage, something to own. And a lot of times when you get into arguments, you everything goes out the window because now instead of listening to understand, you are listening to win. And if you ever listen to win, you're gonna do whatever it takes. And that's gonna break the trust in your relationship with your kids, with your spouse. And it's never, it's never a good thing. If I have to win, somebody has to lose. And somebody will lose because I'm always going to win. But in that winning, I'm crushing the people in my life that I say I love and want to take care of. Healthy men see people as partners, equals, humans with emotions, individuals with boundaries. So until this shift happens, respect can't exist. And a lot of times men want to be respected, but are you showing respect? Are you showing the respect that you want to other people? Because how you treat people usually is how they treat you. And so if you're kind and you're respectful and and you listen and you know you you try to be heard and you try to hear them, usually it reciprocates. But if you're always disrespectful and you're not really listening to what they have to say, uh they're not inclined to just respect you because you're a man. The goal isn't to be trusted again. The goal is to be trustworthy. There's a big difference. Wanting trust back is about comfort. Becoming trustworthy is about character. Your focus shouldn't be, do they trust me yet? It should be, am I showing up as a man who deserves trust today? It shifts the accountability back to you. Can you be trusted? Can you be respected? And if you can't look in a mirror and feel that trust and respect, where do you think it is okay for you as a man to demand that from other people when you yourself can't even respect or trust you? Respect and trust take far longer to rebuild than they do to destroy. You can destroy your respect and trust with within seconds of waking up in a day. And that might take you two years to rebuild. And you can't get mad or upset because your choices and your decisions are your choices and your decisions. You made them, and now you have to figure out a way to fix it. But the good news is they can be rebuilt if the change is real. Not perfect, but consistent. So if you're serious about becoming a better man, stop chasing forgiveness, start building trust. One controlled reaction at a time, one honest conversation at a time, one consistent action at a time, and that is what will start the building process of trust and respect. So the questions of this week. How have I damaged trust in my relationship? What behaviors of mine feel unsafe or disrespectful to others? What is one action I can take this week to show real growth? This week I want you to focus on one behavior that proves you're serious about growth. Then share this episode with a man who's working on becoming better because we're all trying to figure it out. And there's not a blueprint for men. There's not a workbook. A lot of men don't have other men to look to. Um, and so we feel like we have to create something new. But there are people and men that are trying to figure it out together, who want to have these tough conversations, who want to call out all the things that are stopping us men from being great. Because there are a lot of great men out there. There are more great men than not, but society would rather us not see our greatness and focus on the toxic of who we are, what they think we are, and we're not. Men are amazing. Men can do amazing things, men can come into an atmosphere and completely change it in a good way. Men are loving, men are kind, men are honest, they're trustworthy, they're respectable. There are a lot of great men out there that I see in my community. And so I don't want us to get so caught up in the negative. Yes, I'm talking about abuse and ways men could be abusive, but I'm talking about it in a way of hey, if you didn't know that this was abuse or abusive behavior, and now you have to build up this trust and respect, now you do. It's information. Because I want average men to be good, I want good men to be great. And in order for us to grow and move forward, we have to have the tough conversations. Because that's where growth is. It's in looking within yourself and saying, oh yeah, I've done this, I still do this, I gotta work on this. It's not something something that's gonna happen overnight, but it's something that if if you're really committed to being better, it'll help over time. So if anyone having told you today they love you, let me be the first. Say I love you, you're awesome, you're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but y'all will get stronger. Have a blessed week. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00: 15:05

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceaboveTalent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.