You’re Not a Victim of Everything!!

We close the 24-week series with a blunt truth: ego turns accountability into a threat and keeps men stuck in blame. We break down how ownership creates freedom, why victim mentality weakens manhood, and what it takes to actually change. 
• the difference between accountability and taking all the blame 
• why ego interprets correction as disrespect 
• how victim mentality blocks healing and growth 
• a reframed way to think about high-profile domestic violence allegations 
• why staying with obvious red flags is still a choice 
• coaching middle school boys on responsibility and decision-making 
• shame versus accountability and why the wording matters 
• Aaron’s personal story of cheating, validation-seeking, and finally owning the damage 
• why “performing innocence” protects image but kills character 
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAbove Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. 

Transcript

The 24-Week Series Finale

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Aaron Thomas with Excellence Above Talent. We are on week 24 of our 24-week series on why men uh become abusive, why men are abusive, and ways we can get better. So this is the last episode of it. Uh when I was a co-facilitator for the batterer's intervention class, this is how long it took. Uh how many weeks you had to try to get men to be accountable for their actions as to why they were put in the class. And we're gonna have a conversation about it, but a lot of men love to blame everyone else around them instead of stopping and thinking, what part did I play to put myself in this predicament, in this situation? Because at the end of the day, no one put you there, no one forced you to take these classes, uh, you have to pay for the classes, you know, your kids are getting taken from you, you have to go to court uh to prove uh your innocence. There's a lot of things you have to do, and a lot of men love to blame everyone

Why Accountability Triggers Defensiveness

SPEAKER_01 2:05

else for the circumstances that they put themselves in. So the last title, per se, for episode 24 is Accountability Feels Like an Attack when your ego is in control. Some people don't want healing, they want innocence, they want a version of the story where they never did anything wrong, never ignored the warning signs, never played a role in the chaos. But accountability doesn't mean you you caused everything, it means you're honest about the part that you played. We're talking about victim mentality, ego, accountability, and why some people confuse correction with disrespect. So let's start here. We live in a culture where everybody wants sympathy, but no one wants responsibility. Everybody wants understanding, they want grace, they want compassion. But the second accountability enters the conversation, people get mad, people get defensive, people try to protect. Why? Because accountability threatens your ego. And we've had this conversation multiple times on the 24-week episode series that we had. Your ego is made up. You created your own ego. So if you can create it one way, you can change and create it another way. To where your ego doesn't look at accountability as something that is threatening it, it's looking at accountability uh as in something that's going to make you better. So I need you to understand this is a very important uh part. Taking accountability does not mean you deserve abuse, you caused everything, the other person is innocent. Taking accountability isn't the same thing as taking the blame for all of it. That's not what accountability means. Accountability means I recognize the part that I played in this situation. I could have said something different, I could have moved differently, but because I didn't, it created a snowball effect and it got us here. I'm not the only one to blame, but if you want to blame me, that is fine. I will take accountability for the part that I played in this situation, and that is maturity. The problem that a lot of men have is they like to play the victim. And some of the strongest men I know love to play the victim. They love to play the why as me. It's not my fault. They love to protect their ego. Victim mentality keeps people stuck emotionally. Because if if everything is someone else's fault, then I never have to change as a man. And that's just some weak stuff right there. No one else's fault. Or it's somebody else's fault and not yours. And if that's the case, you don't have to change because everyone else around you is imperfect and you're perfect. You never have to reflect when everyone else is wrong and you're not. You never have to grow, heal, set boundaries, leave unhealthy environments. You just stay emotionally frozen while blaming the world.

The Josh Jacobs Case And Choice

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Josh Jacobs, the running back for the Packers, he got booked for domestic violence. And there are two camps. He didn't do it, she was trying to get him in trouble, or he did do it, he's got to be accountable for his actions. The situation creates so much division because people immediately run to the extremes. One side screams he's innocent, the other side screams he's guilty. But I want to ask a different question. Real accountability will ask a different question. Instead of he's innocent or he's guilty, what choices led him to where he's at right now? Because you can try to blame the woman. You can say she's crazy, you can say she set it up, you can say she forced him to get angry and upset, she pushed his buttons, but Josh Jacobs still had a choice. If she was crazy and he knew he was crazy, why stay in a relationship? If she said she was gonna set him up, why stay in a relationship? And a lot of dudes are probably out there saying, because that game is good. Head game, the P game, so I'ma just gonna stay in it and take whatever comes with it. This is what comes with it. It doesn't make sense. If you know she's crazy, if she's if you know she's already caught the cops on you, the best thing you need to do is to get out of that relationship because it's not worth it. And work on yourself. Because no one should ever have the power to make you spaz out and go crazy, to physically hurt someone, strangle someone. But on the other side, if you know you have anger issues, trauma, unhealed pain, and you've spazzed out before, you need to go get the help. Because a lot of times people aren't trying to get the worst of you or bring the worst of you out. They're also going through things and processing things. And maybe you don't you don't have the space, or they don't have the space to to help you in that process. They don't know how to communicate or talk to you. You don't know how to understand or communicate or talk to them, and so you blow up because you feel like you're being unseen and unheard and disrespected when it's just a bunch of unhealed people trying to figure out life. Josh Jacobs doesn't get to claim his innocence. He doesn't get to say, I didn't do anything to put myself in jail, to have a police record saying there's strangulation and uh like abuse and there's signs that someone was hit was got hit on. You don't get to come from jail and be like, I'm innocent. That's some of the weakest things that I've that I that I see right now. You you can't be innocent. You definitely played a role, and a real man, because this is what society isn't teaching our young boys and men, a real man will stand in the light knowing he's going to be judged and still say, This is the part that I played, this is my role. I did that. Running around saying you're innocent, that's a coward thing to do. And I would be probably laughed at and made fun of, but majority of men, these men who we think are just amazing and awesome, majority of the men in your life who've never had to deal with like the inner turmoil of being a hundred percent accountable, most men in this world are cowards. Because we were taught to defend and deflect and to prove our innocence when we know we did something to create the mess that we are in. And instead of accepting it and trying to fix it, they play the victim, they blame, they run, they are cowards. Josh Jacob is a coward because he's running behind his lawyers and lawyers and he's saying how much he's innocent, but there's a part that he played. He can't claim innocence, he can't claim being the victim, and we are so quick as a society to find ways to victimize or to allow grown men to be victims of scenarios that they created. It's weak. And this is why we are in a time where manhood is weak, because all a lot of men are pointing fingers and trying to blame people for situations that they created and could have stopped.

Coaching Boys To Own Their Actions

SPEAKER_01 11:26

As a seventh and eighth grade coach at a middle school, my biggest thing that I tell that I told my athletes, be accountable. You will be in less trouble with me if you tell me, yes, coach, I did it, versus me having to find out that you did do it, but you blamed and you tried to be the victim of a situation that you created. And even if you didn't create the problem, but you stayed in that room where the problem was at, you're still in trouble because you could have made choices to remove yourself, to call out your teammate, to go find a coach, but instead you stayed. You are still accountable. And there's so many young boys and men running from being accountable. But I'll tell you this that is where true strength is at. I can show up knowing that I have nothing to prove or nothing to hide, and I'm still working on ego. Well, when I catch it, I'm like, you know what? You're right. But we're we are in a crisis in the United States because men think it's cool to do bad things and then claim innocence. And it's so weak, and you see it everywhere. And it should not be that way. The Joss, the Josh Jacob situation is annoying because Josh Jacob, big strong running back, 28 years old, doesn't want to come out and say, I had a part to play. He wants to be the victim, he wants to cast blame, he wants to make everyone think this girl is crazy, which which is so freaking annoying. You as a man are trying to convince the world that this girl that you've been with is crazy. What the hell does that make you? Because you chose to stay with someone who you say is crazy. That's crazy. That doesn't make any sense to me. And no one's kind of asking that question. Bro, if she's that crazy, why are you with her? The sex cannot be that good. The head game cannot be that good. I mean, it can, but not good enough to where you're losing millions of dollars. You're going to jail. Just for you to come out and say she's crazy. That makes you so weak as a man. Because you have a choice, and you made that choice, and that choice backfired, and now you want to blame and be the victim. That's coward stuff. And there's a lot of boys and young men being taught that being a coward is good because it saves your ego. Your ego that you made up that's not even real. And it's saving it for you. It's not saving it for your community or for your wife or for your kids, because you never get to challenge yourself. Because you're always right and they're always wrong. So you never grow, you never get better, you stay the same, and you expect everyone else to change around you. Cowards. I would venture to say we have more cowards in this world than we have men. Because healthy people, healthy men don't wait for destruction before recognizing dysfunction. Cowards will create dysfunction, watch the destruction and claim their innocence. It's crazy how men will come into a woman's life and verbally and emotionally break her down, not pretty enough, not fit enough, body isn't T like they want it to be. Like pick and find ways to break down this woman, right? They're creating dysfunction because they don't believe in themselves, they're broken, they feel that way about themselves, that they're not good enough, and so they create dysfunction in their relationship, and then when a woman finally starts to attack back or communicate back, it becomes a problem. And then a man who doesn't know how to regulate his emotions crashes out, punches, strangles, throws her against the wall, throws her things against the wall, breaks her things. He crashes out from the this the dysfunction that he created, he goes full destruction mode, cops get called, he goes to jail, and he comes back out claiming innocence. If you can't see the weakness in in that, you, my friend, might be the coward that I'm talking about. And I'm not trying to ruffle feathers, I'm not trying to piss anyone off, but if I do, I could give a damn. We have to be better men. Because this world is not getting any weaker, and we have to stop producing weak men. Because this world is getting dangerous, more dangerous, and there can't be, and there shouldn't be, soft men leading the charge. Because when it gets hard, they will fold, they will quit, they will curl up in a ball because they let society build their heads up without doing the work. And then when you now have to do the work, you now know you have you don't have the tools to lead like you like you thought you could lead. And it's super important as a man to pay attention to the the red flags in yourself and in others, and then also know that if you stay in a scenario or a situation, what is the worst possible outcome it could be? And if it's bad, you should probably get out of that situation. A lot of people ignore red flags because they want attention, they want validation, they want to be in a relationship, they think they can manage someone else's chaos. And when the situation explodes, they suddenly want to pretend that there were no warning signs. Like I didn't see that coming. I can't believe this is happening. But six months ago, you felt it and you chose to throw it to the back of your head because this is what you thought you wanted. You're not being honest with yourself, and that potentially could break you. In order to be accountable, you have to be aware. Aware of yourself, aware of others, aware of your surrounding. So you have to ask yourself, why did I stay? Why did I tolerate this? Why did I keep participating? Why did I ignore what was obvious? Doesn't make you evil, doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you an aware person who can now hold yourself accountable for your actions. It makes you human. But if you refuse to ask the tough questions, you will stay trapped in this cycle. With Josh Jacob, she's not the only one. This is the first time of him getting caught, but she's not the only one. And usually how this plays out is more will come out and say, Yeah, I've also had issues with him. Or he's done this to me. And people will say, Oh, they're out to get the money and out to get this. No, they have power now to speak and talk because they're still processing their hurt and unhealed trauma from this young man who has never processed as his unhealed trauma because he's been gifted athletically. So no one questions anything until something big like this happens. You don't have strangulation charges and confess your innocence because there are bruises that the cops see. And you can say, Oh, she choked herself, blah blah. Man, I've tried choking myself. You know, when you get angry as a young kid and you say, I wish I'm not here, I wish I was dead, and you choke yourself, but you don't choke yourself like that because you're not really trying to die. So you don't leave any marks. But if cops are seeing marks, strangulation marks, and you come back out here and say you're innocent, that's weak. Why? Because your ego hates correction. Ego interprets correction as disrespect. That's why a lot of people, a lot of men, get angry when confronted, shuts down during conversations, deflect responsibility, attack the messenger, rewrite the story. I wonder what story Josh Jacob is trying to rewrite in his head to claim his innocence. But at the end of all that rewriting, he should sign it, coward. Because your ego protects your image. But if you want to grow, you have to be accountable for your actions.

Shame Versus Accountability

SPEAKER_01 21:26

But I need you to understand that there is a difference between shame and accountability. Shame says that you are bad. Accountability said I made a bad decision. Because if I'm bad, there's nothing I can do to change me being bad. That's just who I am. But if I say I made a bad decision, I can change that bad decision into a good decision. That's why accountability is so important in this world. Shame attacks your identity. Accountability creates growth. And that makes When you're trying to be a better man, your identity isn't bad. Some men avoid accountability because they think admitting fault makes them worthless. But it doesn't, because no one in this world is perfect. We're all gonna mess up. We're all gonna do something that we didn't want to do, but because we didn't heal properly, or because we didn't have the conversations with the people that we need to have the conversations with, we're gonna spaz out every so often. We're going to mess up. We're going to cuss. We're going to hurt someone that we'll that we love. It's inevitable. There's nothing that you can do to stop it. And the fact that people are walking around saying, not me, I have never, I would never, like God created a perfect human, it's crazy. You're not worthless for admitting something that you did. It just makes you self-aware. And the more self-aware you are, the more accountable you can become. And the more accountable that you are, the more growth you can have. Because healing requires ownership. You cannot heal from patterns you refuse to acknowledge. This applies to relationships, anger, communication, cheating, emotional avoidance, addiction, toxic behavior. Ownership is the doorway to

Aaron’s Confession And Real Change

SPEAKER_01 23:26

change. I didn't think I had a problem cheating. I thought it was normal. I thought if someone wasn't giving you what you needed at the house, you would just go and get it somewhere else. And it wasn't like a I want to get to know you or learn you. It was just, hey, you have something I want. I have something you want. Let's just make this happen and then go about our lives. Something that was that I picked up on on a very early age. And so for 36 years of my life, 37, I have never been faithful to any female I've ever been with. And I lived with the the victim mentality. It was their fault. I wasn't getting what I needed at the house. I also wasn't communicating what I needed. I assumed that they expected to know what needed to be done without having a conversation. I created these scenarios in my head. I had one foot in the door and one foot out the door because I knew it was going to happen eventually. And when it slowed down, the affection, the love, it was immediate. I can go find it somewhere else. It was already, I had two or three girls in mind that was already giving me the eye, the extra giggles, the eye contact. So kind of knew, oh okay, if I ever wanted to, I could get her. And you slowly start to say things and do things to make her also feel, oh, okay, well, he's also open to trying new things. And after a while, at home, you would I would create dysfunction in order to go out and sleep with someone else and then come back and say, you made me do it. This is your fault. So when I talk about someone being a coward, I'm also talking about myself. I don't get to talk down or inspire or motivate without saying, I was that guy for 36 years of my life until I stopped and became more self-aware of who I'm hurting. And as a Christian man, a lot of times we say, oh, I love God, but hurt his daughters, which doesn't make sense. You can't say you love God and try to have sex with every girl in the world. I mean, I guess you can, because David definitely loved God. But he was definitely slanging and banging. But you can't say, I guess you can't say you love God while trying to have sex with every girl in the world and not changing to better yourself for God. I guess you can say it like that. Because at some point, the love for God should overtake your desire of what you want in your life. So majority of my life I have been a coward. Majority of my life, I have created dysfunction. Majority of my life, I have tried to be the victim. I have tried to blame the people around me as to why I did what I did. And in the past few years, I have been the loneliest, but I've also been the freest. Because I'm not chasing validation, I'm not looking to protect myself. If I did something, I will be accountable for it, I will stand on it, and I will go about my life. Yanni, my current wife, is the only person I've never cheated on. And I'm going to keep it that way because I'm aware of myself and who I am and where I don't need to put myself. And if I do, she's with me. And I'm accountable. I don't get to blame her for if I'm feeling some type of way. I have to go within and try to figure out why I'm feeling this way. And then once I figure it out, go and have the conversation with her, communicate, talk. So now we're both on the same page and there's no confusion. Hard thing to do, yes. But it is a must if you're trying to change your life. If you're trying to change your relationship, you have to be aware of yourself and why you do the things that you do to become accountable. Because ownership is a doorway to change. If you want to change your life, you have to be the owner of your life. So when bad things happen, you can't look around and try to blame other people. You have to ask yourself, what dysfunction? What did I create? What did I do? What did I not see? What red flag should I miss to put myself in this situation?

Stop Performing Innocence

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Men, stop performing innocence. Because some people, some men, spend more time trying to look innocent, they spend more energy trying to look innocent than actually becoming healthy. A lot of men care more about public perception, protecting their image, and controlling the narrative than honestly evaluating their behavior as a man. And you're performing, you're not growing. And it might look like you're growing because you're making money, you have a good job, you have a business, your business is flowering, your money is growing, and that that looks good. But at some point he will run out. Because I'm pretty sure Epstein thought there's nothing that he couldn't do. He had all the money in the world, but all that performing, the public perception, the image protecting and controlling the narrative didn't stop him from killing himself. AKA killing himself. I'm pretty sure they killed him. He had too much information. So all that performance for his 50 plus or 60 plus years, all that got him was uh a bed linen wrapped around his neck. And he got choked out. He died. That's not the performance that I want at the end of my life. The hard truth is, sometimes the biggest danger in your life is your inability to admit that you played a part in the situation that you're in. Because until you can say I played a part in whatever situation that you're in, nothing will change. Healing starts when excuses end. Growth starts when ego stops controlling the conversation. Accountability is not a punishment, it's a freedom, it is self-awareness. Because mature people don't spend their lives trying to prove their innocence. They spend their lives trying to become better. The strongest people are not the ones who never mess up. The strongest people are the ones who are honest enough to admit when they did.

Encouragement And How To Follow

SPEAKER_01 30:41

If anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome, you're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but y'all get stronger. You have a blessed day. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 30:58

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAbove Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.