What If Being Overlooked Is Your Freedom

We get honest about what it feels like to be overlooked and how chasing recognition can quietly turn into a lifelong audition. I share how the move to California forced me to slow down, face old wounds, and choose excellence without handing my self-worth to other people. 
• feeling like the second choice and how that story forms 
• how “what’s wrong with me?” becomes a dangerous question 
• childhood abandonment and the habit of pushing emotions down 
• when achievement starts standing in for love and worth 
• why civilian life isn’t a pure meritocracy after the military 
• the difference between discipline and staying somewhere that no longer fits 
• fear of what people think and the pressure to look “manly” during transition 
• being tired of auditioning while still committed to growth and service 
• practical questions to ask when rejection feels personal 

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. 

Transcript

Show Opening And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Feeling Like Second Choice

SPEAKER_01 0:40

We're back, we're back, we are back. So I um don't really know if today's episode was a lesson or if I'm coming with some great answer, but this is something that I just need to talk to y'all about. Because since moving to California, I've had a lot of time to think. And when your environment changes, sometimes things get quiet enough for you to hear what actually happens inside of you. And something I've been wrestling with is this filling. I've spent most of most of my life like I'm second. Second choice, second fiddle. The person people appreciate but don't necessarily choose. The person people know who can do the work but don't always recognize. And I know what somebody might say. Aaron, that's just how you feel. You're tripping. And you're right. It is how I feel. I'm not presenting this as everyone else's reality. I'm trying to have a conversation about what's been happening inside of me. Because sometimes you look around and you see how people celebrate somebody else, how they supportive somebody else or everybody else, how they advocate for somebody else, how they recognize somebody else, and then you look at yourself doing the same work or something going, or you're doing something above and beyond, and then you start to wonder, what is it about me that people don't see? And if you're not careful, that question becomes, what's wrong with me? And that's a very dangerous question to have. I had that question when I was sitting on my bed 12, 13 years ago with a gun in my hand, finger on the trigger, gun to my head. What's wrong with me? But I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you. You have just used or using all your energy trying to prove something. And I think I've been trying, I've been using my energy all my life trying to prove to myself that's dangerous. Because now you're not just trying to accomplish something in life. Now I'm trying to prove something. And I think I've been proving myself for most of my life, or trying to prove myself, but then you you start to have the conversation where did this

Where The Need To Prove Begins

SPEAKER_01 3:10

come from? I can trace some of it all the way back to being a kid. My dad left, and I'm not bringing blame to him for the man I've become. I'm not trying to blame him for anything. I'm not trying to make an excuse. This is just life. It happened. Understanding where something came from is not the same thing as using it as an excuse. At some point, I'm responsible for what I do and what happens to me. But I'd be lying if I say those experiences didn't leave something behind. Because think about what a kid can eternalize when somebody leaves. Maybe I'm not worth staying. Maybe I'm not worth fighting for. Maybe I need to become something extraordinary for people not to leave me. Nobody necessarily sits you down and teaches you that. Sometimes your life teaches you without you saying a word. And somewhere along the way, I became somebody who knew how to push his feelings to the back and provide, protect, keep moving, take care of everybody else, handle business, don't complain. And when you live life like that long enough, being needed can start feeling a bit like being loved. Achievement can start feeling like worth. Recognition can start feeling like acceptance. And again, that's a dangerous way to live. Because now you don't just want to succeed. You need success to tell you that you matter.

Military Clarity Then Civilian Complexity

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Then I joined the military. And strangely enough, that may have been one of the few places where I really felt seen. Because there was something about that environment that made sense to me. Do the work, handle your responsibilities, perform, be dependable, get the mission accomplished, and your work had a chance to speak for you. I understood that language. I knew how to work. I knew how to compete. I knew how to push myself. I knew how to perform under pressure. So for a period in my life, there was a system where I brought to the table what I felt was visible. Then you come home. Civilian life doesn't always operate like that. Being good isn't always enough. Working hard isn't always enough. Sometimes relationship matters. Sometimes timing matters. Sometimes somebody simply connects better with somebody else. Sometimes somebody likes somebody else more. Sometimes those doors don't open. And sometimes there isn't even some evil person responsible for it. Life just isn't a pure meritocracy. That's difficult when you've built your identity around believing if I just work harder, they will finally see me. Because what happens when you work harder and the people that you want to see you don't see you? And that's where I think I've hurt myself in my life. Because instead of asking, is this where I'm supposed to be? I I would ask myself, what else do I need to do to prove myself? So I go above and beyond. I take on more. I try to accomplish more. I try to help as many people as possible. I try to become dependable. I try to become the person everyone knows will show up. And underneath all of it, there's a little voice saying, Maybe they'll see me now. Maybe they'll choose me now. Maybe they'll understand what I bring to the table. Maybe now I'll finally be enough. But here's what I'm learning. At the ripe old age of 40, you can exhaust yourself trying to earn recognition from people who were never assigned to validate you. And that realization hurts. Because you start thinking about how much energy you spent auditioning for acceptance. How many times did I say yes because I wanted somebody to see my value? How many accomplishments were actually mine? And how many were attempts to finally feel worthy? How many times did I overextend myself because being ordinary for one day felt like it wasn't enough? And that's the hard conversation I'm having with myself

Career Myths And Finding Fit

SPEAKER_01 7:29

right now. And I see this in the work too. I've been taught some strange things about adulthood, especially around careers. Stay somewhere forever. That's stability. Be miserable for 20 years. That's loyalty. Wake up every morning hating where you're going, but you keep going because leaving might make people question your commitment. And I'm not advocating quitting every time you're uncomfortable. There's a difference between running from adversity and recognizing that something no longer fits your purpose. Discipline matters. Commitment matters. Finishing things matters. But your mental well-being matters too. Your family matters. Your purpose matters. Your growth matters. There are people who have stayed somewhere for 20 years and built beautiful careers. But there are also people who have stayed somewhere for 20 years and slowly disappeared inside themselves. Longevity alone doesn't tell me which one happened. And some people are still trying to find where they fit. They're trying to figure out where do my gifts actually belong? Where can I contribute? Where can I grow? Where can I become the person God created me to become? And sometimes that journey doesn't look clean. I sometimes think about the KFC owner, the colonel, and how many jobs he had over his life. And at 64, he just could have stayed and stayed at that job or where wherever he was at, just to get the money, just to push through. But he knew that there was something inside of him, a gift. There was something that he wanted to do. And at the age of 64, I believe, he started KFC. And in my head, I'm thinking, man, what if 30 years ago KFC was already inside of that man, but he was afraid to make those choices and decisions. So for 34 years, he stayed at a job that he didn't like, coming home wishing that he could do and that he feels that there's more inside of him. But because society or because of what you think your neighbors or what people think about you will affect you, you stay somewhere out of fear. And then 30 years down the line, you say, I don't care about this fear, I'm gonna do it anyway, and you become successful because that's where you that's where you were supposed to be from the very from the very beginning. But a lot of us stay in places because we are afraid of what others say about us. There's a fear that I have that my my dad couldn't keep a job. And then I look at my resume, and sometimes it feels that way. But I have to tell myself I am not my dad. There are things inside of me that I know are inside of me that I eventually will come out that will help people, that will help young boys, that will help men, that will help families. And so you have this up and down battle with yourself.

California Reset And Identity Pressure

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Me and Yanni picked up from Odessa, Texas, and moved to California. We are staying with her with her mom. And for me as a man mentally, that messed with me. Because in my head, I'm thinking, what would a people be saying outside looking in, not knowing what's really going on inside, but from outside looking in, and I see I I seem to view myself as a manly man. It doesn't feel manly. But this isn't our forever situation. This is just something that we are in at this moment. But then I had to also have a conversation with myself because I I'm always running around saying I don't care what people think, but that's a lie because I cared. And so I was forcing myself. I had to find a job and you know, I had to take care of business. And I, you know, there's all these things that you feel that you have to do. And in this move, God is saying, slow down, be faithful, trust me. Slow down, be faithful, trust me. And it was easy in Odessa because I was always moving, coaching, teaching, coaching at CrossFit, mentoring. I was doing something. And in California, I'm not doing anything. Well, I'm doing things, but I'm not doing what I used to do in Odessa. And it has forced me to slow down and process and think and work through. And this is why I'm having this conversation right now. I felt like in Odessa, I I had to show people that I was enough, that I wasn't second fiddle. And the sad part is, regardless of if they see me or not, they're going to view you how they view you, and there's nothing that you can do about it. And so you're fighting this losing battle to be seen and not focusing on who already sees you. So the journey isn't always going to be clean. And that's the part that California is representing for me right now. I'm trying something new. We are trying something new. I'm searching for a better version of myself and also a job. LOL. I'm trying to figure out where the next version of me belongs. And I'm not going to pretend that the process always feels good. There are days when I question myself, days when rejection gets personal. Days when you see what somebody else is doing and think, what the freak am I missing? There are moments that when an old feeling comes back, here we go again.

Excellence Without Anyone Clapping

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Second fiddle. But something in me is changing. Because I'm getting tired of auditioning. I don't I'm not getting tired of working. I'm not getting I'm not getting tired of growing or pursuing excellence. That's that's a big difference. I'm tired of believing my excellence needs somebody else's applause to become real. And that's the big difference. Excellence above talent was never meant to be excellent so everyone will finally love you. And maybe I'm recognizing that now. Choose excellence because that's who you decide to become even when no one claps. That's accountability, that's purpose, that's freedom. Excellence above talent. When you're talented, people clap, people see you, but sometimes your excellence isn't seen by others. It is seen by you, by God, and the people that he has placed in your life. And that is enough. Because here's the trap with trying to prove yourself to people. The finish line keeps moving. So let's say I finally accomplished the things that I feel like I need to accomplish to be seen, to be respected, and to be loved. Okay, I got there. But what happens when other people's priorities start to change? What happened when people leave that saw you built up what you were trying to build? What happens when new people start coming along? What happens when someone is impressed by what you're doing at 40, but at 45 they're not impressed anymore because life happens and the goal post has shifted for them. And so what you're doing now doesn't align with what they're aligned with. And so all the things that you've done to try to get validation from that person doesn't matter anymore. And so now you feel like you have to then audition again and to perform to try to get that person back. You have to accomplish something new, get a new title, get more money, bigger platform, go out and get another another degree, another award, another position, another thing to post. But then you start to ask, do they see me now? And that is exhausting because you're handing your self-worth over to somebody else to control. And most people don't even know what they're holding. The power, the gifts, the awesomeness that's inside that person. And that person is giving it. I'm giving you all that I have, and you don't know what to do with it. And that's where I feel I am at right now. But I'm also done fighting to convince people that I'm worth seeing. It doesn't mean it doesn't mean I'm giving up. It's actually the opposite. I'm going to keep working, keep growing, keep applying, keep building, keep serving. I'm going to become a better husband. I'm going to keep working on my relationship with God. I'm going to try to impact men. I'm going to keep pursuing the things placed on my heart. I'm trying to remove one big thing from the equation. I'm not doing it to prove that I am enough anymore. Because if I needed everyone else to recognize my greatness before I believe there's something valuable inside of me, I'm going to spend my entire life waiting. And I don't want to live like that. Not anymore. So maybe you're listening to this and you know exactly what I'm talking about. You've been the one overlooked. You've watched somebody else get picked. Somebody else get promoted. Somebody else get celebrated. Somebody else get supported. And you're sitting here thinking, what about me? I understand that feeling, but I want to challenge you. Like I'm challenging myself. Don't let being overlooked turn you bitter. Don't let it turn your entire life into an audition. Keep getting better. But get better because you value growth. Keep working. But work because you have something worth building. Keep serving. But serve because that's who you are. Keep pursuing excellence. Stop using excellence as evidence in a courtroom where you're constantly trying to prove your work. You don't have to win that case anymore. And maybe this is part of the move that I needed to feel and to learn. Maybe California isn't about moving from Texas to California. Maybe I'm being forced to meet myself without all the familiar people, positions, titles, routines, and places that help tell me who Aaron was. Maybe the question in this season isn't, will these people finally see me? Maybe the question is, can I finally see myself clearly even when they don't? Can I walk into a room without needing to be the most impressive person there? Can I celebrate someone else's opportunity without interrupting it as evidence against my own value? Can I be rejected without turning rejection into an identity? Can I be overlooked without being invisible to myself? Can I believe I'm enough while still becoming? That's the work. That's what I'm in. And I haven't mastered it yet, but I'm more aware of it. And to me, awareness breeds growth. There are still days when I want somebody to notice. There are still days when rejection hurts. There are still moments when comparisons get to me. There are still moments when I wonder when is it going to be my turn? But I'm starting to understand something. Being unseen by somebody else doesn't mean there is nothing worth seeing. And being second in somebody else's eyes does not require me to live second in my own life. I am done auditioning. I'm still going to work. I'm still going to grow. I'm still going to pursue excellence. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life begging people through my accomplishments to tell me I am worthy. I'm learning to know that before I walk into the room. And if you're struggling with the same thing, maybe this week you need to ask yourself, who am I still trying to prove myself to? And then ask the harder question. What would change if I stopped? Maybe you would finally have energy to become who you actually are supposed to be. Not the person who gets the most applause. Not the person who finally proved everybody wrong, just you. Healthy, free, growing, at peace, and finally able to say, I see myself now. And if that's enough to keep you moving, then that's what you need to do. If anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome, you're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but y'all get stronger. Y'all have a blessed weekend. Bye-bye.

Closing Love And How To Follow

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.